To miss my child

[theprincessthepea]

My daughter is in secondary school in year 7. She’s 12. I’ve just had my second baby - there is a 12 year age gap.

I am really enjoying the baby phase this time around. I had PND with my daughter and was overwhelmed. I know I’m giving the baby more attention. But I equally make time for all of us.

When I look at my daughter I have this thought where I miss the younger version of her. It’s weird. She’s a pleasent teen - yes she has her moments but we have great conversations, she’s helpful (although sometimes I have to ask many times) and she is bright - doing well at school. She’s great as far as teeens go. I worry this feeling of missing the younger version of her is effecting how I am towards her. I know I will naturally give the baby attention but I don’t want her to feel anymore left out.

A close friend mentioned that when my daughter was at hers, hanging out with her tween friend - she told her that she was sad that she spends less time with me. My daughter also told me the best time of her life was lockdown where it was just the 2 of us (I was a single parent until meeting my partner 5 years ago - introduced my daughter 2 years ago so a lot has changed in her life).

AIBU for feeling this way? Is this normal? How do I embrace the teen and accept we had happy childhood memories.

Can you make time when it is just the two of you? Weekly/fortnightly? My DS is an older teen now and when I think of him at 12 he was still so little. Your DD probably seems big to you because your younger child is so young, but 12 is still a young child.

Are you right in the head with your judgements of others? Save your judgements for your own petty miserable life!

What a stupid response. You think I have a miserable life because I don’t go around doing what the OP did?

How does that make sense in your head?

She’s still so young. Her memories of lockdown are happy ones which is lovely to learn. Life has changed for you all since then but you are still in the best days of your life with them both. Enjoy where she is now rather than looking back because next year you’ll be surprised at how much she’s changed again.

You could buy a little notebook and write a few lines in every so often documenting the little things she’s doing as a 12 year old, her interests, the things she finds funny, short interviews etc. Write it from your heart and you’ll find there’s no need to yearn for the past because life really is in the now. You can give the diary to her when she’s 21. You could also start writing one for the baby.

The nature of life is its transience so focus on the now and soak up her beautiful 12 year old self in all its glory because that too will dissolve. On her wedding day you’ll be aching for where she is right now as a 12 year old.

Congratulations on your baby. You sound very lucky. Sleep well.

This right here!

12 is so young still, she is still a child and still needs her mother. Nothing wrong with trying to put time away for just the both of you weekly. Sit and watch a show together regularly. Find something both of you enjoy and make time to do that together. It doesn't have to be hours and hours every week but your undivided time might just mean the world to her.

Do you think it’s a good thing to introduce a man and have a baby so quickly like the OP did? Do you think it has no negative impact upon a child? Do you care about children in that scenario or just about the parent’s desires?

Is it the type of thing you would/have done? Have your children been introduced to many boyfriends?

Take your condescending BS and put it towards your keyboard earnt psychology degree. What are your qualifications to make these judgements? Do you know the intricate details of OP and her household? I doubt it but here you are with your whole chest carrying on like some sanctimonious CF

@Hermittrismegistus omg, you’re absolutely ridiculous! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I can't believe the judgement - now is this helpful to OP , terribly judgemental

Go for girly time regularly and if possible without the baby!

Completely normal reaction and get her involved in helping with baby so she feels responsible, it'll help in their future relationship

Oh do shove off with your ridiculous judgements @Hermittrismegistus!
Oh and learn to bloody read the OP met her partner 5 years ago. That's plenty of time to work out if he is a good guy and decide to introduce them to her daughter

You don’t need a psychology degree to know that the situation he OP has forced upon her child will have a negative impact (the poor child has even spoken out to a friends mother ffs).

How can you not get that? Are you determined to have a Jeremy Kyle type ‘omg I know best for my child even if it’s really shit don’t judge me yeah why you judging me!!’’ attitude?

I don’t think you can expect your dd to be happy about any of these changes - they really do not serve her well and take you away. So it’s natural she feels sad.
i would focus on taking her out or enjoying time with her as much as possible without the baby. This is the only thing that will work and reassure her.
Only get her involved in the baby stuff she is interested in. No pressure around ‘helping’ she may not want to. I think their relationship is likely to be limited anyway with a huge age gap but do your best for her.

It’s not about how long ago she met the man, it’s how long ago she introduced them to each other before getting pregnant.

Yes, you're proof that one doesn't actually need experience or qualifications to spout condescending negative rubbish anonymously on the internet to another simply asking for help. I hope you feel wonderful about your miserable self and realise that you added nothing positive or helpful to the conversation, though I do feel that is a daily occurrence for you.

I know you were mainly asking about how you feel, but I'd think it important to think more about how she feels. Any 12 year old will have a sense of change with (her peers if not her herself yet) going through puberty, starting secondary school and so on. I know mine went through a time of being almost nostalgic for their younger selves, one veered between playing with her teddies again for the first time since she was 6-7 and then experimenting with makeup. It's a confusing time. And your DD has had other significant changes in her life. Lockdown was a time of certainty - just you and her, and she was only 8-10 years old, so firmly in her childhood still.

As she's had all these changes and you're feeling it as well, I'd prioritise setting aside time with her - just the two of you - to help her feel secure and so you can properly check in with how she's doing with so much change going on.

I'd say it's pretty normal to have a little ache for earlier versions of our children, but also important to accept transience as someone said earlier and find new ways of enjoying being together. I think it's really crucial you don't be overly nostalgic with her and emphasise all that she can do and enjoy now that she's the age she is.

How is it rubbish that a child's mother introducing a man to a ten year old, forcing her to live with this stranger (presumably) and then having a baby with him in the space of two years is extremely likely to have a very negative impact on her? You'd be hard pushed to find any research that states this is likely to be beneficial for this child. It's the most dangerous risk you can expose a child of that age to and - even if they are lucky enough to be physically safe - is highly likely to be emotionally damaging. You don't have to have a psychology degree: you can just go and read the copious research on the topic published by those who do have one, rather than accusing people of being "judgemental" for making evidenced points that would be well known to any parent who put their children's welfare first in their decision making because they'd already have looked this up in order to make an informed choice before doing the above.

Let's have some examples of this 'copious research'

Links please.

Some people have given good advice for your situation - carve out a little time. I’d also involve her too. I was 12 when my mother remarried, 2.5 years on a baby arrived. I adored him then and now. Being an only child means of course it’s an adjustment but that would be the same if the babies dad was her bio dad too given the age gap. Covid was an odd time where you spent much more time together than is usual so will of course also had impact (baby or not). Asking her what she’d love to do on a you and her evening (dad can look after baby). Also emphasising and letting her know you miss that time a bit too perhaps. Hang in there - plenty of step families out there that have coped perfectly well with some adjustments and just getting on with it.

You also have not contributed anything to the conversation on OP's post... Just judgement

@theprincessthepea a few things!

1. It's normal. I miss my older kids when they were younger ages too. I'd love a weekend back when they were certain little ages. This is probably amplified for you as you have another little one
2. She's still SO little and has had MASSIVE changes. A new relationship for you, new sibling, going from an only to a big sister. It's massive for her.
3. She needs you. A non-distracted you. I have a larger family and it's hard but I do something with the older kids once a week without littles and then I try to do one to one every other week. I also try to do things at home like painting, film night, walks, etc so they have regular time to talk, connect etc. Do what you can do make sure she doesn't lose her time with you, she needs you now probably more than ever to help the transition and also probably before those teen years kick in!

I agree that her world has been turned upside down and although there may be positives somewhere, at its core this will be an experience of loss. Loss of the relationship as it was and therefore loss of sense of self as it was.

She is at very vulnerable age and now is the time to pour as much time, energy and love into her so that the hole is filled by you and not someone/something unhealthy as she enters teen years.

This is a ridiculous comment. She met the man 5 years ago so presumably waited 3 years to introduce him to her child.. which is more than enough..
She's having a baby with someone she's been with for 5 years.
This is pretty normal.

Anyway OP I just wanted to say I really feel for you. I had PND after the birth of my eldest. I know how the guilt can haunt you. My son is such a lovely boy and he didn't deserve the Shell of a mother he had for those first years.
I've had two further children since and actually they have only strengthened my relationship with my eldest in the end. Its been very healing in fact. There's a 9 year gap between him and my youngest but he has such a special bond with her.
I felt a bit like you after the birth of my second in that I did not suffer from PND that time around which was great.. however it drove home what my son had missed out on and I had a hard time with the guilt.. I didn't quite realise how ill I'd been until I experienced having a baby without the depression.. and then I experienced I kind of grief for my baby son. It's hard.
But like I said overall his siblings have brought us all much joy. It's just a transition. The new situation and everyone's place in the family takes time to get used to. But you ahd your daughters relationship will most likely strengthen if you include her.