To miss my child

[theprincessthepea]

My daughter is in secondary school in year 7. She’s 12. I’ve just had my second baby - there is a 12 year age gap.

I am really enjoying the baby phase this time around. I had PND with my daughter and was overwhelmed. I know I’m giving the baby more attention. But I equally make time for all of us.

When I look at my daughter I have this thought where I miss the younger version of her. It’s weird. She’s a pleasent teen - yes she has her moments but we have great conversations, she’s helpful (although sometimes I have to ask many times) and she is bright - doing well at school. She’s great as far as teeens go. I worry this feeling of missing the younger version of her is effecting how I am towards her. I know I will naturally give the baby attention but I don’t want her to feel anymore left out.

A close friend mentioned that when my daughter was at hers, hanging out with her tween friend - she told her that she was sad that she spends less time with me. My daughter also told me the best time of her life was lockdown where it was just the 2 of us (I was a single parent until meeting my partner 5 years ago - introduced my daughter 2 years ago so a lot has changed in her life).

AIBU for feeling this way? Is this normal? How do I embrace the teen and accept we had happy childhood memories.

Just so you know, AbFab DC has now left school but DH and I were out on Saturday morning, along with eleventy billion toddler families. We were very much looking back at those years of around 3 years old and how wonderful that age is. You are entitled to look back at those years with fondness and look forward to going through them again. Tell DD that.

As for now, a bit of time, strong boundaries, communication, support and unboundless love will see you through.

The vitriol poured on the poster, @Hermittrismegistus, is unnecessary. She made her point and none of us can deny the likely impact on a ten year old of a new man in her home followed by a new baby all within two years.

She has been harsh, true; but may have very good reasons for expressing this as she did. A lot of posters have personal experience of being that child or knowing a child in those circumstances.

OP may have known her partner longer but the child has only known him two years. Added to which she is going through puberty and probably changed schools. OP has told us that the child has confided in a friend's mother that she was sad that she spent less time with her mother. She has also said that to her mother that she was happiest just the two of them. She is suffering.

OP is concerned about this but the OP's post is written more about how sad the OP is now that her "baby girl" has grown up than about what it must be like for the twelve year old. And the child will realise this.

It's not unusual for twelve year olds to hate being twelve. Too old to be a child any more and too young to be an adult. It's often a traumatic time. And teens need to be able to kick off at home sometimes to test out this new person they are becoming. It's unusual that OP's DD does not. (And where is the new man in all this?)

Some posters have given good practical suggestions which the OP could implement to help her child feel special, loved and a number one priority. And to help her navigate this difficult time. She needs to celebrate being "grown up" with her , not communicate that she misses the "little girl" that her child no longer is.

Great post, I agree with you, it sounds like the poor child’s life has been turned upside down and her feelings need to be the priority for OP.

Thanks for all of your comments.
I haven’t seen The negative stuff but thanks MumsNet for removing.

(long response!)

Id like to add that my children always come first and my second was not planned. Not sure if that makes things better or worse but my 12 year old daughter has been yearning for a sibling for so many years so she absolutely loves her baby brother and welcomed him with open arms.

My daughter is also at the age where she wants to spend time on the phone or going out with friends - which is fine and she does - but it’s also a reminder of how she is growing up.

Me and my daughter do talk - she comes home after school and we have a long chat - my partner is back from work a little after her, and she tells us about her day. He works in a school so they both banter about their day which is nice. My partner also cooks and so we are usually on the sofa watching a show while he is in the kitchen - so we do have moments together.

We have 1 day a week where I take her to her gymnastics - it’s usually me her and the baby and that is probably the main time we spend together as it’s quite a long car trip there and back and I get to watch her on the screens.

I guess the baby is always with me - especially as I’m breastfeeding so I’m sure as he grows up we will create more memories. Before the baby we would go out every weekend with or without my partner - and we have all expressed as a family that we miss those days and will get back to it when baby is older.

I created a photo album for my daughters first year which she loves and she has decided to collect photos for her brothers first year which she is enjoying.

I will definitely focus on her now and live more in the present.

Being at home with a newborn also probably means I’m spending more time thinking.

I guess all of our lives have changed. We all prepared ourselves for it but I didn’t think that I would miss her being a child so much - maybe because until this point I have been enjoying her as a teen just as much.

She isn’t a teen, she is 12.

OP you sound to me like a really caring and thoughtful person and a good mum.
You are enjoying your daughter and wished you felt calm and able to enjoy every minute when she was a baby.

I totally get what you feel right now and feel identified. I struggled when mine were young and I am loving this stage so much I wished they were small again. I wish things were different for me but look, sometimes life is not perfect. Mine loved the lockdown too as it was the start of WFH for me, I'm very grateful for that.

Wishing you all the best with your DD and DS. The most important thing is to be able to live in the present. You are doing great x

Spend time with her NOW.

Carve out at least 30 mins per day just you and her in her room chatting. Also trips out every other weekend or once a month, just you and her.
In 10 years you'll be wishing you'd spent more time with her at this wonderful age.
Also, she clearly still loves spending time with you, that might not last forever. Grasp it with both hands and forge a beautiful relationship with your soon to be teenager.

Surely you can leave the baby with your partner for an hour or two and go and spend that time with your daughter?

I think it's so important that she gets time with just you.

You've gone from having one child for a very long time to two. It's a big change for anyone. It's an especially big change for your eldest who has been an only child for a long time. She's going through a period of lots of change and whilst she doesn't need you in the way that baby does she needs you emotionally. You have a partner this time around. I hope your partner is doing their share of care for the baby giving you time with your eldest.

My ds was a surprise and I found the age gap between him and dd1 gruelling. I didn't get to enjoy him as much as his sisters as a baby. When I had dd2 and my other two were at school, I could take the time to just revel in being a mum to her and felt a deep sense of regret that I hadn't with ds. I shared that with my dh who said that I should accept that time for what it was, that there was still loads of time spent with ds and that I shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to just focus solely on him as dd1 was a baby too. Instead I should focus on the fact that ds and I have a great relationship and I make sure to carve out time for all 3 kids on their own really well.

What I'm trying to say is focus on the here and now with your dd1.