Is diet choice a reason to switch residency?

[SwitchTheResidenceYesorNo]

Because I’m not sure it is.

Situation:

DD is almost 10, school year 5.

Until she was 8 she lived with me (her mum) then she moved in with ExH and Ex-PIL. It’s a long story as to why, but basically at the time it was decided it was in DDs interests to switch.

I have her for 2 overnights every week (Tuesday and Wednesday), have her 1 night every week for tea (Thursday) and have her for 1 full weekend day every week (usually Saturday) – I could have weekend contact overnight but I like seeing her every weekend so this works better than EOWend. This set up means I never go more than 48 hours without seeing her. I also have indirect contact with her on the days she doesn’t see me. On paper however I am down as 104 nights per year and pay above CMS recommended amount due to this. I still do all appointments (DD has SN and a disability often ExH doesn’t come to appointments), all school related things, and I cover all sickness from school/holiday club as my work is far more flexible than ExHs.

When she lived with me she was ExH EOWend for 3 nights (Thursday to Sunday) and 1 night every week for tea.

DD keeps asking to move back in with me due to ExHs food choices but I’m not sure that’s a good enough reason.

I am vegetarian purely because I don’t really enjoy eating meat. I am happy to prepare and cook it for DD but she never wants it, she always wants what I have. I also have made it clear that I am fine with DD choosing the meat options at school for dinner and when we go to restaurants/to family she very rarely does.

ExH and his family are meat eaters so when with them she eats meat. But DD is starting to refuse to eat with them, asking for a none meat option which ExHs family won’t provide as there’s a lot of them that live there so it’s easier to have 1 meal for everyone (at last count there were 4 adults + DD in the house fulltime and then Ex-SILs children stay over with or without Ex-SIL/Ex-BIL 2-3 times a week so often there’s 10 of them there). DD keeps asking to live with me but switch to seeing ExH in the pattern we have now, which ExH isn’t keen on. He keeps saying I should force DD to eat what she's given with me and that I should include meat when I'm cooking for her - I offer DD a choice, she can have what I'm having (vegetarian such as lentil bolognaise) or I can cook her a meat version (beef bolognaise for example) and she always wants what I have.

I don’t feel diet choice is a good enough to go to court over residency, but I also want to listen to DD when she says she only wants to eat meat occasionally. When she lived with me I made her the meat version of whatever I was having until she started asking to try/have what I had and always reminded her she could ask for meat at any time and i'd buy it and cook it for her.

Would you do it? Or is it not a good enough reason? I know it could go against me in court and I could be seen as going against ExHs views, which is not my intention at all, I have no issue with meat and most of my friends haven’t even realised I’m vegetarian as I never mention it.

At nearly 10 her opinion should be listened to but only to a point, you need to consider the practical implications as she still needs wrap around care and check to see what other reasons could be behind this.

Can you sit down with your ex and discuss sensibly what she has said and decide together a way forward? Or is your relationship not cordial enough? in which case one idea is to use mediation

I'd completely ignore the food issue and just listen to what she wants i.e. to live with you and go from there. I very much doubt it's really just about the Bolognese for her. More likely to be about the overcrowding I would have thought!

@mitogoshi Me and ExH get on fine mostly and can talk about DD, but when I bring up this he says that DD should be made to eat meat and she's not old enough to decide herself what to have.

@NuffSaidSam Unfortunately at the time she moved in it was what was best for her (decided by Social Services) but now we're two years out of that it might not be. I would love to have her 50/50 or even full time again but not sure ExH would give up residency so easily.

I'd start with 50/50. She is asking to spend more time with you, the meat is an excuse I think.

Force DD to eat what she's given?

I'd expect she wants to change living arrangements because of that type of attitude, +/- the crowding, much more so than Bolognese as meat vs lentil

@SwitchTheResidenceYesorNo Do Social Services still have contact? If so, could you ask them what they advise?

She wants to live with you and is using the food as an in. Listen to her.

OP what were the reasons it was in her best interests? I think this will guide my thoughts.

Having said this, if you are now able to provide her with a stable home then ask for 50/50 and go from there.

So you're a vegetarian, and your DD appears to prefer vegetarian food, but your Ex is telling you that you should be preparing meat for her and forcing her to eat it?

He sounds very controlling tbh. And bang out of order. He has no right to dictate what she eats in your home.

I also think a 10 year old is old enough to be given a choice if they want to eat a vegetarian diet. Refusing to allow her with the choice will ultimately push her away from him.

Totally agree. His attitude speaks volumes, and it won't just be about food.

@WriterOfWrongs No no longer involved with SS

@MotherofChaosandDestruction I was diagnosed with a lifelong (but not life altering) condition on top of DD recieving her diagnosis and I had a bit of a breakdown, I wasn't and never have been a danger to her, I was allowed to see her everyday while SS where involved and they even prioritised contact with me over any meetings they had with me or DD.

In a couple of years, a judge would allow dd to choose but until then I would go for 50/50. It sounds like he is a good dad and it’s understandable that meals are catered to the whole family rather than individuals.

Dd isn’t unreasonable to prefer your cooking and ex isnt unreasonable to give dd what the rest of the family are eating.

I would have thought that overcrowding would be a bigger potential issue tbh unless the house is very big. I live with my 3 teens/adult kids and apart from the odd overnight guest who shares with my child for the night, it takes space to live with others.

He's massively unreasonable to try to dictate what the OP feeds her though.

I’d say 10 is exactly the kind of age that kids start forming stronger opinions about their diet and lifestyle. As an adult growing up in a time where veggie diets were nowhere near as common as they are now, the majority of ‘lifelong’ vegetarians that I know made their decision at around the age of 10. Some even younger. She knows what she wants and it should be respected. That said I agree with PPs saying that it’s not just about the bolognese. But it is also still about the bolognese!

Then I would ask for 50/50 and go to court if necessary. It is likely not just about diet (although he is being controlling saying she can't choose she's 10 not 3!).

@SonicTheHodgeheg 4 bed 2 bath from what I can tell from talking to DD.

Bedroom 1 (ensuite) - Ex-PIL
Bedroom 2 - ExH
Bedroom 3 - DD/DDs cousins (3 of them - 2 girls and a boy)
Bedroom 4 - Spare/Ex-SIL/Male Cousins stays in when his parents don't stay over with him

@SwitchTheResidenceYesorNo Thanks for answering. Yes I agree with asking for 50/50, even if that means going back to court.

After your illness & breakdown, you asking for increased contact & her coming to you more may be the reassurance your DD actually needs that you are better, and that things are back to ‘normal’. (And it’s great to hear you are better.) It may be that this is the underlying issue for her rather than food & overcrowding, although she may not be consciously aware of that.

It's really easy to just swop the meat with a veggie option there's loads of stuff in Aldi that you can keep in the freezer and wack in the air fryer It's crazy they won't do that for her or she could even do that herself ?

It’s likely she’s taken after you and just doesn’t like meat all that much.

i am like you I don’t like meat, I don’t like the texture and I knew that from a small child, definitely by your dd’s age I knew categorically I didn’t want or like it but unlike your dd I grew up in a house that sounds meal wise like you’re ex’s house so I wasn’t given a choice and it would cause issues because my household had the same attitude as your ex.

i was seen as being fussy and disrespectful and rude rather than it being seen as it was just something I didn’t like similar to say if someone hated mushrooms or aubergine or peas or something and the family knew just not to serve that to that particular person.

it meant that meals for me were something to dread and force down and quite often be shouted at for being too slow or being ungrateful.
it caused damage to my relationship with food and feeling my opinions and wants were valid for a while although not now

as soon as I left home I refused point blank to eat it again and I haven’t apart from a few times to test if that’s still the case.
for example tonight we have a friend coming over for bolognaise but I’ll be having a similar but not the same

i think there’s a big difference between a child who is fussy around lots of foods and a child who has particular things they don’t like.

Putting food aside. The house sounds horribly overcrowded I’m not surprised she wants to live with you.
Try and negotiate 50/50 with your ex. If he’s not having it then court it is

Wrong thread

He's massively unreasonable to try to dictate what the OP feeds her though.

I agree. One of my kids went veggie for a year when he was 4ish and I was happy to accommodate his preference. Another child has allergies so tweaking recipes and meals for the family is normal for me.

I would be very concerned about a daughter approaching puberty sharing a room with a male cousin.