Is diet choice a reason to switch residency?

[SwitchTheResidenceYesorNo]

Because I’m not sure it is.

Situation:

DD is almost 10, school year 5.

Until she was 8 she lived with me (her mum) then she moved in with ExH and Ex-PIL. It’s a long story as to why, but basically at the time it was decided it was in DDs interests to switch.

I have her for 2 overnights every week (Tuesday and Wednesday), have her 1 night every week for tea (Thursday) and have her for 1 full weekend day every week (usually Saturday) – I could have weekend contact overnight but I like seeing her every weekend so this works better than EOWend. This set up means I never go more than 48 hours without seeing her. I also have indirect contact with her on the days she doesn’t see me. On paper however I am down as 104 nights per year and pay above CMS recommended amount due to this. I still do all appointments (DD has SN and a disability often ExH doesn’t come to appointments), all school related things, and I cover all sickness from school/holiday club as my work is far more flexible than ExHs.

When she lived with me she was ExH EOWend for 3 nights (Thursday to Sunday) and 1 night every week for tea.

DD keeps asking to move back in with me due to ExHs food choices but I’m not sure that’s a good enough reason.

I am vegetarian purely because I don’t really enjoy eating meat. I am happy to prepare and cook it for DD but she never wants it, she always wants what I have. I also have made it clear that I am fine with DD choosing the meat options at school for dinner and when we go to restaurants/to family she very rarely does.

ExH and his family are meat eaters so when with them she eats meat. But DD is starting to refuse to eat with them, asking for a none meat option which ExHs family won’t provide as there’s a lot of them that live there so it’s easier to have 1 meal for everyone (at last count there were 4 adults + DD in the house fulltime and then Ex-SILs children stay over with or without Ex-SIL/Ex-BIL 2-3 times a week so often there’s 10 of them there). DD keeps asking to live with me but switch to seeing ExH in the pattern we have now, which ExH isn’t keen on. He keeps saying I should force DD to eat what she's given with me and that I should include meat when I'm cooking for her - I offer DD a choice, she can have what I'm having (vegetarian such as lentil bolognaise) or I can cook her a meat version (beef bolognaise for example) and she always wants what I have.

I don’t feel diet choice is a good enough to go to court over residency, but I also want to listen to DD when she says she only wants to eat meat occasionally. When she lived with me I made her the meat version of whatever I was having until she started asking to try/have what I had and always reminded her she could ask for meat at any time and i'd buy it and cook it for her.

Would you do it? Or is it not a good enough reason? I know it could go against me in court and I could be seen as going against ExHs views, which is not my intention at all, I have no issue with meat and most of my friends haven’t even realised I’m vegetarian as I never mention it.

@booksunderthebed Again SS found this to be fine, said that needs must and Ex-MIL couldn't be expected to prioritise one grandchild over any or all the others and should follow her usual routine when caring for them, if that means sharing rooms as long as everyone has their own beds then thats what happens.

My sense is that she is not quite happy with her living arrangement. I think this is more than food.

Yes, this is not about food.
She wants to live with you but I am guessing that if SS decided she couldn't then it might be difficult

At 10 she needs to eat what she is given
When she is old enough to buy and cook, then she can have whatever she likes.

@Hoppinggreen SS never said she couldn't live with me, I got ill due to a diagnosis for myself and a diagnosis for DD making my MH bad and me not coping. I was struggling to get DD to school on time as I was struggling with reality of her condition and managing my own. She was always fed, always clean and happy but I got to the point where I dropped her to school one morning me in tears and told the receptionist I didn't know how much longer I could cope for and was considering leaving DD with them as she deserved better.

It got reported to SS, who temporarily moved DD to ExH/Ex-PILs, completed their assessments which said I was a good mum but was struggling, they got some MH support in place for me and closed the case saying there's no reason DD can't live with me with ExH having more regular contact I just never asked ExH for her to come home fulltime until I felt ready and when I did ExH said he was happy with the routine we had so it wasn't worth upsetting the co-parenting relationship over when I was seeing her so often.

It's only the last 3 or 4 months that DDs had a strong preference over her diet I've been considering switching her back, but I know ExH won't be keen as my CM money allows him to work part time while I do all the actual parenting.

This.

The food issues are secondary. She's not happy with her current living arrangements and wants to spend more time with you. Because she's only 10 and doesn't have very sophisticated verbal/debate skills she thinks that giving food choices as a reason will be less hurtful to her dad, who she obviously loves, rather than saying that she just doesn't feel she has enough time with you.

Negotiate a schedule that DD is happy with. Her wellbeing comes first.

Don't worry about the food issues. So oong as she is getting adequate protein for a growing body, she's fine.

Is her diagnosis perhaps relevant to issues with food choices or needing more space? If you recovered and had no ss involvement what has made you feel you could not have her more often? Are you prepared to take this back to court?

@LIZS Her condition doesn't have anything to do with food really, she needs a specific supplement if she's not getting a certain something from her food but that's not really a big issue and is a common supplement that many children and adults take anyway.

I am recovered from my MH issues and my condition is stable so I would be able to have her full time again, but I also don't want to take her away from her dad or sour the co-parenting relationship over it.

@LIZS Her condition causes issues with her mobility, speech and a learning delay rather than it being a food thing, the supplement helps to support all the things she struggles with though but can be managed by diet alone.

@Menopaused She's very healthy generally, I take her to all appointments and there's no concerns about her diet even when she ate all vegetarian food when she lived with me there was no concerns.

I find it hard to see why you're dithering over this. She wants to live with you. Food is only part of the reason. You say you're well now and ready to care for her so get on with it. Go to court if you have to but listen to your daughter.

I think you misunderstood. Neither @Menopaused or I were suggesting she's unhealthy or her diet is wrong

Using food as an in

Saying that her reasons are to do with food choices but Actually she has emotional reasons for wanting to spend more time with you

I would approach ex about 50:50.

Could you freeze her some potions of lentil bolo etc when your making them and drop them over with dd for the short term?

@DexaVooveQhodu Ah sorry yes I did misunderstand. I don't know if you're right but I do want to see her as much as I can, so will think about how I approach ExH about it