DP hates me working in a pub - causing relationship problems

[Username1233]

Mumsnet, please offer me some words of advice. Our relationship is currently struggling, partly because financially things are SO tough right now. Just to give a picture, we have been together 10 years, have 2 DC, one of which is 1 and the nursery costs are crippling us. DP works a full time job and works 2 evenings a week elsewhere, I've returned to my career part time (to cut down on paying childcare for 5 days) but ive also had to pick up a second job, also doing two evenings a week to make up for loss of full time hours. This is where the problem is. The second job is working behind a bar which opens until 1am. It is mainly men who drink there. However, it's the only second job I've been able to find which pays enough, and fits around the kids and our other 3 jobs.
My partner HATES it. He hasn't asked me to quit working there, but will be offish with me the day I'm going (he says he feels anxious, and just doesn't like the idea of me being "hit" on by other men - which really doesn't happen! I'm beginning to feel guilty for making myself look presentable to go to work (as you would for any job!), and feeling like I should quit. If I do quit I could maybe do takeaway driving but it will mean I'm out for 3 evenings a week as opposed to 2 (and I'm already mentally and physically exhausted right now). My DP says any man would feel the same (not happy with their partner working behind a bar which sleezy men drink at) - which I can kind of understand, but at the same time it feels like a them problem? I've always been faithful, we have had a great relationship but this is really making me angry now. I feel totally unappreciated and guilty for working a job (I already don't want to do!) so we have enough income to pay the mortgage, childcare and general bills (we are not going on lavish holidays, buying all new clothes etc). So AIBU to work behind a bar knowing my partner feels this way? Should I just quit and find something else? It's beginning to feel a little toxic and controlling which is why I feel I should stay, but is it worth risking our relationship out of spite? DP obviously isn't in a great place mentally, we are both just absolutely exhausted with life at the moment (which I'm sure many other people are feeling to).

My DP wouldn't feel the same if I worked at a bar. Especially if it was a second job I was only doing to keep on top of the bills. I'm not sure how many boyfriends or husbands would.

Not normal behaviour from him he shouldn't be so controlling

Woah! That is not normal behaviour. Very controlling of him.

My DP wouldn't feel the same either. When my DC were tiny I spent years working in restaurants and pubs as the shifts fitted in around childcare. It was just a job and brought money in. Your DP is controlling.

So you're doing this job to keep your head above water and he's not happy - because it's a pub. 🤨 I suggest he finds another income from somewhere else if he's so paranoid about you being hit on! He obviously has trust issues, can't stand the thought of you talking to men and potentially being hit on.. even though you're not the slightest bit interested. 🚩

It should be you be trusts and that's all that matters. You could have 1000s of men hit on you and what matters is your attitude and reaction to it, not the sleazy men.
Same vice versa, I should be able to trust my partner around lots of drunk women flirting otherwise what's the point? It's like saying if they're around those situations they'll be tempted so the only thing stopping them cheating is lack of opportunity, not their own feelings and morals. What's the point then?

I get hit on or and about in the city for my job, I just laugh and ignore or roll my eyes. It's your reaction and his trust in your reaction that's important.

That's not normal.

Tell him to get a better paid job if he wants you at home!

The only reason he'd be bothered about this that I can fathom, is that he's the sort of bloke to hit on women who work in bars "open until 1am", because somehow that's asking for it.

Well, then you quit the 2 nights in the bar and he can pick them up to make up the money if he's going to be such a child about it.

What a bloody ridiculous attitude, as if you're working there for the love of sleazy drunk blokes, rather than to put food in your kids mouths.

FWIW I worked in a late bar back in the day when I was young and everything pointed up. I was hit on fairly regularly and just developed an encyclopaedia of put downs and brush offs. I never, ever, fraternised with a customer.

My DH wouldn't bat an eyelid if I went to work in a bar again now (not out of the realms of possibility since we have a baby and childcare to pay for next year) because he's not a jealous controlling idiot.

I'd be asking him why he doesn't trust you.

You’re working in a pub not a pole dancing club. You are working hard to look after your family and you must be so tired (working til 1am bloody hell). The last thing you need is him being pissy and being all judgemental. He is being very very unreasonable.

This also crossed my mind! I don't think it would cross my DH's mind that I'd be hit on, because it wouldn't cross his mind to hit on someone serving him a pint.

If he's not normally an arse, I'd assume it's stress from the situation and it's damaging his ego that you have to go and work a second job.

Don't quit. You can't afford to. But tell him that if you can cut costs as a family / another opportunity comes up you'll quit immediately because you don't enjoy it either but this is what the two of you need to do right now.

If you loved it my answer would be different but sounds like you'd quit if you could for you reasons so I'd look for other stuff too and see if there's anything else you can scrape back on

You need to ask him exactly what his problem is. Men hitting on you (even though they aren't) is something totally outside your control. You could be walking down the street and have it happen. You can't control what other people do.

So what does he have a problem with? Does he not trust you to handle it? Or does he want you to just hide away from any situation where men 'might' hit on you - including walking down the street?

His 'anxiety' (which IMO is a manipulative way of phrasing it) is his issue to solve. If he doesn't trust you, then that's his problem too. His trust issues are his - you haven't done anything to deserve this.

If he doesn't trust them to do/not do what, I have no idea then he needs to admit that he would much rather you were never under the 'male gaze' (ugh) ever. Which means never going out, ever.

If you can make him articulate this, hopefully he'll realise what a fool he's being. I doubt it though.

I think your DP is being ridiculous and after a quick poll of adult DS and his GF and my DH, we all now think he's being ridiculous.

If he doesn't like it, he'll just have to work a second job four (or five) evenings a week instead then, won't he?

Very controlling behaviour.

I don't know OP...you describe a bar (not a pub), is it a strip place /lap dancing place? I don't think many partners would be ok with that if so. Mainly because I'd be worried about what they'd have to put up with, dealing with sleazy men etc.
Normal bars have a mix of genders, so I'm thinking it is the above.

Yeah a bit controlling, I think Dh would be worried that I would have to deal with drunk wankers but he wouldn’t be worried about me being hit on because I would obviously say “no thank you, I’m working 2 jobs and have 2 small children I don’t have the fucking time!”

@bfsham No not a club like you describe, it's a pub. Mainly filled with tradesman who come in after work for a drink. We get a younger crowd in to who will have a dance (small dance floor part and some good music playing). No poles, no strippers, nothing like that.

I work in a pub as my second job, if my DH ever said that he could honestly fuck off!! It's controlling and shows his lack of trust in you.

You were right. It's a them problem. Or rather, a him problem as there shouldn't be a problem at all. Scary behaviour especially when you're doing it to support your family because you have to

So he’d rather you do takeaway driving, driving around on your own late at night and going up to strangers’ houses, than have you work behind a bar where there’s a big block of wood between you and any blokes?

Is it really that he’s pissed off you’re hanging out at a pub ‘having fun’ while he has to stay at home and look after his own children?

He's being a prick, and I think it says alot about him, how he behaves and sees women.