To have found this a bit patronising?

[Odetomyfamily11]

On a dating app. I know it probably sounds like I am being really picky, I'm just so done with men ATM and can't trust them.

Anyway I've been talking to a guy and he asked what languages I speak. I said English and then that I'd studied X language at uni and taught myself some of Y language too.

He's replied 'Wow, look at you teaching yourself a language, how proactive of you, well done!"

Like I'm sure it's well-intentioned but it just feels slightly patronising and a bit like, oh look a little woman teaching herself something and using her brain, wow isn't that impressive.

Not sure I'm overthinking it?

If you are so done with men why are you trying to actively engage them in conversation and date them?

While you are in that mindset, you are going to take everything in a negative light.

I can be a bit touchy but this would be a reach, even for me.

I’m trying to learn Gaelic and all I ever seem to get are comments around why would I want to waste my time my time learning a “dead” language. 🙄

I’d take the compliment for what it 99% most likely is.

It does sound a little condescending with the 'well done' but I'd overlook it, messaging is tricky for some people to get right with tone.

You don't usually say "Well done" to people you're impressed by. You might say it to someone whose work it's your responsibility to evaluate, or to a child, or sometimes to someone you're close to immediately after they've achieved something. In this context it makes it seem like he thinks he's in a position to pass judgement on the OP's merits. The "Look at you" also has superior or over-familiar vibes. It hints at someone achieving bigger things than might be expected of little old them. It works in the right kind of friendship but to someone you barely know, combined with the "Well done", it can read as a bit belittling.

He might not have intended any of these connotations and this might just be how his friend group communicates, and it might have come across very different in person with all the tone of voice and other nonverbals. But I don't think OP is imagining the overall patronising feel.

YABU. You're overthinking it. He was trying to praise you.

It’s the phrasing that sounds patronising. YANBU. He could have responded in any number of ways but that Well Done is patronising and infantilising. As a PP said, I’d start responding similarly to him and see if he twigs. There’s something very condescending about the comment.

i have to agree

Totally overthinking, and stop trying to date when you clearly are not ready.

Guess I'm patronising then, if someone I'd just met on a dating site told me they'd self learned a language, "Oh wow, Well done" is exactly what I'd say.

I would be saying it to a man, so does that make it ok?

What do you expect someone to say to your humble brag of I self taught myself X language? If the man had said "OK" or "that's great" and moved the conversation on, he'd have been blasted for being rude.

I'm just so done with men ATM and can't trust them.

Then stop trying to date. It's not fair on you or them.

My view, it looks like what he typed didn't come over well.

You probably shouldn't be dating right now. Sounds like you want to find fault.

If you're done with men and don't trust them at the moment, dating apps are the worst place to spend your time.
Do something you love doing instead, live life, and be happy 😊

Looks like a straightforward compliment and nothing to do with being a woman. Ffs some of you are unbelievable.

I agree with you OP - there is something a bit off or patronising about how he said this. But it might be that he did not express himself well. As he speaks two languages himself, it could be (but not necessarily) that he is expressing genuine admiration that you taught yourself. You could decide to have another conversation and see what his general attitudes are, but with your sexism antennae on alert.

Why are you even on a dating app if you are 'so done with men and can't trust them' ... why bother ?

You sound hard work and actively looking to be annoyed.

Its so hard to get the 'tone' right if you are messaging ... I said to a neighbour who was learning two languages during lockdown 'wow, that's very impressive' (or similar ... it was a long time ago) .... maybe that was patronising and rude.

It's not one thing or another thing alone, which could just be the way someone talks — it's the combination of them that really gives it that impression. But TBH? Yeah, you might come across a bit patronising, depending on context. And I don't really care who's got what genitals, or have an opinion on whether OP was humblebragging.

I’m going against the vote her but IMO if he’s already sounding tedious and patronising then it’s not worth the effort and dead before it’s even started. Too much effort. It should be fun and easy!

Sounds Like a nice guy. I think he was trying to acknowledge how hard it is to teach yourself a language. He didn’t mention anything about it in the context of you being a woman. You brought that to the table.

That's what I think. He was trying to be positive and complimentary.

I don’t read that as a compliment at all, it’s patronising as hell. ‘Look at you doing whatever!’ is infantilising.

Sounds like a bit of over enthusiastic banter to me. Not quite serial killer vibes😉

He's replied 'Wow, look at you teaching yourself a language, how proactive of you, well done!"
Mmmm... I don't know really. The phrasing of it does sound a bit condescending and it's not how I would write. But he might have meant it nicely and that's just the way he talks.

However if you are overthinking like this and say you are done with men, why are you on dating apps? If you don't trust them you are going to read into everything they say and find an issue.
Do yourself a favour and give the apps a rest. Spend time with yourself, friends and family until you feel properly ready to date again.

I must be considered patronising as fuck then because I say well done all the time. Friday at work I said it about 5 times in different contexts. Including to a member of our senior leadership team when they came out of a 3.5 hours meeting that they had been dreading.

I also say 'look at you' as the start of a compliment. Look at you finishing your thesis, look at you getting offered an interview, look at you fixing your blender are all things I've said to friends lately. They all took it positively so I think I've upset any of them.

It is about context though, there are some people I wouldn't use it on eas they are quite formal people.
OP do you generally talk fairly formally?

I'd probably give him a chance although it does sound a little patronising. It's a tone men tend to use on women rather than other men. Can't imagine Dave in the pub sharing that he's taught himself German and Pete saying "Wow, look at you teaching yourself a language, how proactive of you, well done!"

I've been driving for 40+ years and I'm a confident driver. If we ever go anywhere with my inlaws and I drive, FIL without fail will say "Well done duck" when we reach our destination. He does not do this when DH drives. Difficult to see it as anything other than patronising.

It’s impossible to know - you presumably haven’t met him, it’s a written message with no context of facial expressions, tone of voice etc. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and meet him - if he’s condescending in real life, then of course end it if you want to!