To think I did nothing wrong?

[starostaa]

Friend introduced me to two of her friends around 6 years ago and we’ve done loads of things as a four since then, I’d consider them friends and not “friend of a friend”.

I had a spare ticket to a gig last week and I invited one of them as I didn’t want to go alone and I knew she liked that music.

Original friend has messaged to say she’s upset. She doesn’t even like the band (don’t think she dislikes them but) and said I should have asked her first.

I think friend is being a bit over-sensitive, but I can understand why. Understanding doesn't equate to agreeing with though.

Perhaps, to smooth her ruffled feathers, you could say something along the lines of "oh Ruffled, I am sorry if you were upset. I honestly didn't think you would mind, I knew you didn't particularly like The Bay City Rollers and I honestly thought the last thing you would want to do was spend time and money going to see them and be bored, and I knew you would feel too awkward about refusing. So I asked Missy instead because I know she does like them and I didn't want to go on my own. I am sorry if it upset you, that wasn't my intention" or similar.

6 years? I could sort of understand, maybe, if you'd been friends for 3 months.. But... even then, struggling as surely finding common interests is part of how you make new friends. So I could easily see a situation where friend A introduces me to B at a dinner, we all get chatting, have a great time and it turns out B is a huge fan of the same band as me and so me and B agree that as they're in town in a month's time, we'll go together... and so a new friendship is born.

This is why I hate set group friendships. I like individual friendships and vey very happy to do group activities, but resist anything that suggests only group activities as it's so hard to navigate if you just want to do something with one person.

What etiquette is that?

Obviously, it's the longest-serving friend first, then alphabetical order of surname, then descending height order. Then if two people are exactly the same height, you have to draw straws.

Gosh, how have you survived not knowing this, OP??

I think you were fine. It sounds a bit like the other friend is still in school.

She is being childish. Her reaction would actually really irritate me, rather than make me question if I’d done anything wrong.

Are you 12?

Fair enough. I wasnt aware I was an outlier in terms of the way I consider friends feelings when I am organising things. I have learned something today that may be useful going forward.

Eh? So if you're looking for company to do an activity/ attend an event, you must ask friends in the order that the friendship was established, even if more longstanding friends are not as close or don't even like the activity or event?

Where on earth did you stumble upon this 'etiquette'?

Yes, I know she wasn't actually "left out" more that she felt that way. I don't think her feelings are merited would say she's being over-sensitive but if you generally care about her and she's normally fairly reasonable, I think it's worth kindly explaining your side and see how things pan out.

Maybe she thought she was being Wendied. If so, I can understand her hurt. Friends you introduced to each other get on better than they do with you, and meet up without you so that you feel cut out - it's a common source of threads here.

However, you did nothing wrong. The other friend liked the band, you invited her, you had a good time (presumably) and everything is fine.

I'd respond with some surprise she felt that way, they you didn't think she was a big fan of the band but knew Friend C was.

Is your friend 12 years old?

@SmellsLikeMiddleAgeSpirit in this example, yes - the OG introduced OP to this other friend so I do think the OG friend might expect OP to come to her first as they are still close and the OP only guessed that she wouldn’t want to go. Clearly not many people agree which is perfectly fine!

I am being genuine as to why I say it's attitudes like this that have made me completely give up on maintaining friendships and friendship groups since I was about 40. This bizarre sense of ownership over people, made-up hierarchy and rampant jealousy over even the most innocuous things is absolutely insufferable. I just can't be fucking bothered with the ridiculous drama anymore.

Why? You would be unreasonable IMO to throw a strop about this.

I would have been too. When I was 6

We don't agree because there is no foundation in good manners or decency in what you are saying, is is just your (and OP's friend's, clearly) shibboleth. That sort of gatekeeping is very tiring and boring, and eventually alienates people. I have had to distance myself from one or two friends in the past who were jealous and dramatic. I don't miss them.

I am far from dramatic and certainly wouldnt ‘throw a strop’. Wild assumptions being made!

Friends are friends... the fact that one introduced another to you doesn't mean that the older friend is always to be regarded as the closer or foremost friend.
Made up hierarchies is about right, as a pp described it.

Cant believe I’m even trying to untangle this puerile, nonsensical attitude towards relationships.

The friend seems to be being dramatic, though. If you just mean you'd feel a moment's hurt and then get over it, I still think that's silly but at least you aren't being annoying about it. But if you tried to throw a guilt trip like the OP's friend, that is the definition of 'throwing a strop' imo.

You absolutely are dramatic if you would actually be upset that a friend asked another friend's to go somewhere without asking you first, to something you're not even interested in. That's just mind boggling.

On the surface I don't think you did anything wrong.

However I think it depends also on where people are at in their lives.

I have been good friends with someone for 15 years and introduced another friend to her about 6 years ago.

When they have done a few things together without me I have felt a little hurt. Not to the point where I have said anything but the later underneath this is ; the newer friend (who has been invited when I haven't) has already got 5 million friends that she gets invited to do stuff with, lovely DH and loads of couple friends. I have a smaller group of friends - am a single parent and don't have nearly as many invites.

So it has hurt a bit that they have now become so close. That said we still do plenty as a 3 and I try and make sure I see both of them individually sometimes so that we are always not in a 3. It largely works ok but I do think it depends on uninvited friend's circumstances too.

What you're saying is that other people should alter their lives and what they would like to do in order to appease you. You are making them responsible for your feelings. That's really not fair. How is it their fault that you have a smaller social circle than you do?

I think you misunderstood @Aquamarine1029 .

It's ok for me (or anyone) to feel a bit hurt. I said I did not voice this to anyone as it sounds unreasonable and petty. So no, i am not expecting anyone to alter anything they are doing. However I am entitled to feel how I feel just as you or anyone else is.

You are making them responsible for your feelings. That's really not fair.

It doesn't sound like lemons is putting the responsibility on anyone else - it sounds more like she's quietly hurt about the situation rather than throwing her weight around.

Sorry- cross posted.