AIBU to resent my child?

[hotcheeto]

I know I am being unreasonable. I know it isn't his fault. I know it's probably my failing as a parent somehow. I love the happy moments, which are rare. I try so hard to cherish our time together while he is small. I do not regret having a child. I just wish the child I was so blessed to have was easier.

He is only 15 months old, still a baby really. He doesn't sleep. He won't eat solid food. He has millions of teeth. He demands milk and won't take it from anything other than a baby bottle. If I try and limit milk, he wakes up screaming all night long because he is so hungry. He doesn't walk and won't hold my hand to steady himself to even try. I dread every meal time. I dread bedtime because I know it will be an hours long struggle. I secretly dread the morning, afternoon, and evening if we are alone together because every day is so long and lonely, even when we are around friends and family. The tantrums, dear God, they're merciless. I hate being with other mothers with children of the same age. Everyone seems to have it figured out but me.

I feel isolated, tired, constantly ill, deficient in everything despite being on supplements and drinking immunity yoghurt drinks every day. I feel like a terrible mother and a shit person. He's draining the life from me and my relationship with his dad (we are together) is broken. We were so happy before.

I love my child insurmountably but I can't help but feel resentment too. He himself is not deficient in anything and doctors have no concerns. We've done all that, more than once. I hate myself for feeling this way.

I had a very difficult eater, just give them what they’ll eat within reason. Jelly, Ella’s pouches, somehow straight from the pouch is so much better than a bowl and spoon it seems, yogurt, crisps, either the baby ones or buy smiths and take the salt pouch out. Strawberries and other fruit.
Do away with the high chair and sit on the floor or picnic outside. Feed in the buggy as you push along. The food situation will improve on its own with time so there no point is fighting it now.

Sleep baby proof a room, if you want the mattress can be on the floor, leave some safe toys out and a few books, lay down on the bed and go to sleep. They can play with the toys or lay down next to you and go to sleep. This was a game changer when I did it with my second as my first is still a bad sleeper. I still do this with both if they can’t won’t sleep. Im there with them but I’m going to sleep for my sanity.

Plenty of fresh air during the day helps with everything I’ve found.
Good luck it’s far from easy

My ds..third child...wanted nothing except milk. Screamed for a bottle during the night. I was an experienced mum but still failed with this. He is now in his 20s and the most pleasant, healthy lad who would, literally, eat anything. He even ate snails in France! Just accept it for a while. Stop trying to get him to walk. Let him crawl as much as he wants as it builds strength. Give him a bottle if he wants it. Stop trying and give yourself a break. This will pass.

I didn’t ask which countries don’t, i asked which do?

Mine was breast fed til 3, mainly for ease. He had milk 3-4 times in 24hrs after that. He has hypotonia and hypermobility.

He was - and still is - fussy about food at 4. He’ll eat cream crackers dry, but still complains about loads of other food. We offer a range through the day - and I do not cook more than 1 meal, we all have the same. His may be less spicy or come with pasta etc. Hypotonia affects my child’s face muscles and ability to chew - if he didn’t have milk, he’d not gain weight. We supplement with vitamins.

Mine walked at approximately 19 months, but rode a balance bike first. This is related to hypotonia and the impact on lifting his legs / supporting himself - if we gave him a walker, he could not stop it rolling away and he’d just fall forwards etc. He has orthotic shoes to run and jump, else he cannot do either - he learned to pedal a bike before 3 though!

His hypermobility is related to a condition that affects collagen and, as a result, nails, hair and tooth enamel.

I hassled my health visitor from birth as he had various signs of being ‘floppy’, but it fell of deaf ears through Covid; eventually my HV was fired and replaced for being woefully useless!

School nursery referred him to a specialist for speech and language- and his inability to jump at all. I pushed for any appointment with anyone who would listen. Eventually, we were passed to a physio who started to put the information together. We’re now waiting for a paeds appointment for formal diagnosis.

Follow your instincts and take anything you’re offered by the HV, it builds a picture. Don’t be afraid to go back to professionals a thousand times. If your child is not at nursery, use one and ask the nursery to refer too if needed.

I actually cried when the physio told me I’d done exceptionally well to make as much progress as I had. It explained why I had to teach him to walk and eat, rather than it just happening like my mum friend’s kids.

God, I felt like this with my first. It can be so gruelling. Can you thicken up the milk and wean him very slowly? Can’t really advise on the weaning as I had different problems - my son didn’t sleep a full night until he was 3 and my mental health was wrecked. They do actually end up becoming tiny pals rather than somebody you’re battling against all the time, by the time he was about 2, we were buddies. This is obvious I know but it won’t stay like this forever.

I’m remarried and life is often more complex shall we sayDo you really wonder why you do it? I get that it can be hard, and monotonous at points. But I feel like sometimes this is just a payment / fleeting moments for what is otherwise really wonderful. My experience makes me feel that it’s actually men who make it really difficult. I found life much easier as a single mother than when I had my ex-husband around. He was the additional child creating mess and making difficulties

Teething is a really tough time for children and parents, so you are not alone in thinking it is hard.
My son didn't eat well, I was very stressed.
I attended a Consultant Child Gastroenterologist 🙄, because I have excellent private insurance.
She told me my child was a happy health baby..16 months old, that seemed like he would mirror my slim tall husband in body size. She was right.

She told me to keep telling myself that my baby's stomach is the size of his fist and that babys will not starve. They eat what and whdn they decide.
Give him fortified baby milk if that is what makes him happy.
Keep introducing a mix of mashed foods if he likes that, and read up on weaning foods. Tiny little pieces that they can mush and might eventually try.

Try not to stress, like I did, such a waste of time.
You sound like a fab mum.

OP I had to post as honestly 18 years ago I would have posted almost exactly your post.

i had a very stubborn, sleep and solid averse toddler and honestly going into hospital to have DC2 was a nice break from it all!

food- he didn’t eat a proper breakfast until he was about 3 or 4. Scrambled eggs. Until then he would only drink milk. He just didn’t like cereal or toast and it wasn’t worth the fight. We were more relaxed with dc2. More baby led weaning. That worked better but maybe it was her rather than us?

sleep- honestly I think some babies are just built differently. He always went to sleep fine but didn’t reliably sleep through until he was about 3 and even then he would be awake at 5.30 (or earlier in the summer). His younger sibling was treated exactly the same and was a 7-7 sleeper at 6 months so it wasn’t anything we did ‘wrong’

it is super tough and it is great that you are working part time- that was a life saver for me. Find time for yourself.

but it will get better. Gradually. Imperceptibly.

DS is a completely normal 19 year old. Sleeps like his peers and is a v adventurous eater. It was just a (very long, very hard!) phase

If he won't eat solid food I would start with melon sticks, cold from the fridge, sit him in his high chair when you eat and make.a thing of a plate for mummy and a plate for him and let him play with the and he may start putting them in his mouth, leave him with them for a bit and then say lunch is over and clear away. I would still give milk but not till a bit after lunch.

Cold melon is nice for teething so he may go for it. Once he tries something it will be easier to get him to try something else.

Thank you for all of the reassuring replies.

He has been under the health visitor for eating but to be honest I find their advice next to useless. It doesn't work for us. He is too strong willed. Kids eat in colour, solid starts, ignoring him, eating with him, telly on, eating outside, getting other people to sit with him at dinner and try. I know no one means anything by it and is genuinely only trying to help but I've tried everything. It's the equivalent of people suggesting trying white noise for a baby that doesn't sleep for me.

We started blw at 6 months and he would eat melon sticks, mashed potato, cottage pie, toast, yoghurt, quite a few other things. Basically he was on track at that point. Then all of the teeth began coming in and at 15 months he only has 4 left to cut (canines), so it's been pretty much constant. Since about 7.5 months he's been incredibly fussy and went through months only eating puffs and yoghurt. Now he eats a slightly wider variety if he is starving. For instance for breakfast he will eat 2 or 3 tiny (I mean TINY - milkroll cut into about 10 pieces) bits of toast, perhaps a spoon of yoghurt. That's it. Lunch is a failure almost always. He doesn't seem hungry until about 3pm and again it'll be a couple of tiny bites of something dry such as sausage and these little potato bites I make. Dinner again is a failure, we have that together at about 5/530, and it's pretty much the same as lunch. He will have about 1/3rd of a banana and a couple of crackers as snacks throughout the day. He drinks his water beautifully. I've stopped making anything elaborate because it was contributing to the frustration I feel when it goes in the bin. He won't eat anything with a sauce or anything with a texture like pasta, rice, noodles, mash, pie. He's tried chicken once and spat it out. I always steam a vegetable and offer a fruit and they are not touched. Ever. Apparently he eats well at childcare so I'm genuinely not understanding what the problem is. I HAVE had marginal success offering him food while he roams around, handing him a cracker or something while cruising and he'll eventually eat it but the amount is just so little it concerns me. He won't allow me to spoon feed him anything. It's all well and good saying be firm but short of forcing his mouth open and putting food in and clamping it shut I don't know what else I can do (I don't do this of course).

I agree with a comment that said people who haven't had a bad eater can't understand and while I'm grateful for the advice, if I strap him into his highchair he will scream and cry and NOTHING will be eaten. If I leave him to his own devices he won't eat. It is an active involved battle every time. Dancing, playing, singing and talking like a maniac to get somethingg into him. It really gets me down a lot. I'm hoping he just grows out of it because the health visitor isn't concerned as long as he's on a multivitamin and general advice is to just keep trying, which I obviously do with every meal, but it's maddening.

I do give pain relief for teeth, I have to pretty much every day. It doesn't seem to make any difference to eating. Teething seems to be the main issue but I think it is sensory too. His teeth hurt so he doesn't want to eat, so he is hungry but only wants milk, sleep is bad because he's hungry during the night because he hasn't eaten during the day. It's a vicious cycle.

I've made him some mini banana pancakes and sausage this morning, untouched. It's half 8, been up since 5. He had about 3oz of milk when he woke up because he was screaming hungry. Surely 3oz of milk is not enough for him to still be full after 3.5 hours?

His dad was a fussy eater, still is. We're both tall, slender people and were slight as children. My son is 50th percentile, has been since birth, and is gaining weight well. He's actually gone up a centile on my latest trip to the HV for help, so I think that makes them not take me seriously. I have no idea how he's gaining weight.

The only things he will eat without fail are Skips. I don't like giving him crap, I feel like it'll reinforce if I refuse food, mom will give me rubbish (or milk) and I really honestly do try so hard, but I can't ignore a hungry baby.

No concerns about development in any other aspect. He's a rapid crawler and babbles literally constantly and can baby sign a few things. He loves other children. I wish I'd never taught him the sign for milk!

I do agree it's a phase. At 7 months and counting it just feels relentless. Just an example of what the health visitor suggested recently re sleep/good - "have you tried giving him a big bowl of porridge before bed? It'll fill his tummy and help him sleep longer!" - are you actually mental? My child would NEVER! Like it's so easy to just give them a bowl of porridge. I could most definitely serve it, but I can guarantee it would end up halfway across the room within seconds.

Can you tell we've had another bad night? 😂

I do think some babies teethe worse than others. One of mine had this phase a few months longer and actually dropped a lot of weight because they could barely eat. It was like their gums were swollen and they struggled to latch. They were on all the pain relief I could give but it never seemed enough.

It did pass and I hope it passes soon for you as there doesn't seem to be anything that doctors are willing to do for it. I remember wishing that they'd prescribe stronger painkillers or something.

Op he sounds like my first, it was the worst time of my life. He wouldn't eat, he wouldn't sleep through or go to sleep (took hours). Like pp, I baby proofed the room and slept in there while he roamed in near dark. Fortified milk (paediasure) kept the weight up for ds. He's 5 now, still doesn't sleep through, still has fortified night milk, but does at least sleep until 6, and eats a small variety of foods.

Going absolutely zero pressure helped with food - we now all eat different things in the living room and have accessible snacks and sometimes he asks to try something new, and he helps himself to stuff. He recently added toasted bagels, a huge win as he had no breakfast food before.

I never found a fix. Just time to see improvements. His little sister is his opposite in every way (in case you're considering more). Eats everything pretty much, yesterday we had a lie in until almost 9!

I'm honestly so grateful for the comments with similar experiences. It helps me not feel like I'm doing something drastically wrong. Even the children we know of a similar age who aren't good eaters are miles better than my baby. I just feel sorry for him in a way. There's so many nice foods to experience!

It's something I never expected from motherhood and it is far and away the most difficult and distressing part. I suffered with an eating disorder for 10+ years and I'm trying not to pass any weird food associations to my child and it feels like I've already failed at that (I'm fine now and have been for nearly a decade).

Thanks for reassurance that subsequent children are more normal with this. I would like 1 more in a year or so. I'm scared I'll have another one the same 😂!

Interesting that he's eating well at childcare. I'd be reassured by that, I think.

Yes, it makes me want to put him in 5 days a week just for the fact he will be eating more. He has morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack and a snack before he leaves for the day there. I think it has to be peer pressure.

I really do think the teeth are not helping op. The canines were the worst for my ds. I realised just how much of his food refusal/ poor sleep/ generally mardiness was down to teeth when he got the second year molars as we'd had a years break from teeth and everything had improved and then it all started happening again. Plus he could tell me his mouth was hurting by then.

I have no advice other than constant ibuprofen and time! He might be a fussy eater per say but he'll definitely it more of the things he likes when he's finished teething.

OP, some people have small appetites.
My son the very fussy eater is tall slim and at 23 has NEVER had an antibiotic...never. He has enjoyed great health.
He often has a power smoothy with banana, orange juice, whey protein powder, a mix of blended nuts and chip,flax seeds pureed to smooth, which he drinks quickly to fill up as he can't be bothered to eat. He will eat pizza, McD's and KFC's though...as that is junk food which he loves.
If your son was hungry, he would be eating. There is a variety of food readily available to him, that is all you can do. Let him eat and drink what he wants.
Believe me, you will regret being so stressed by this, I certainly do.

That's bizarre that he eats well at childcare. I wonder if they could video him subtly so you can see him eating and how they achieve it?

Big hugs. It really does sound frustrating.

When my kids were small we used to go to a playgroup. We had a load of fussy eaters or tiny appetite kids so we would all bring food and they’d eat together. The things they would try that they would never have at home! So I think the peer pressure thing is true. We’d all share food as found it utterly bizarre that they would take things from another parent that they wouldn’t take from their own parent. We were like “where is the evolutionary advantage in refusing food from your own parent??”

Anyway, my 50 centile child was also a tiny appetite child for years. Was slim and fairly small until about 12 years old and then suddenly his appetite kicked in and he now eats way more than me. He’s always stayed on the 50c for height (which makes sense as both DH and I are average heights 5ft 4 and 5ft 11).