AIBU to resent my child?

[hotcheeto]

I know I am being unreasonable. I know it isn't his fault. I know it's probably my failing as a parent somehow. I love the happy moments, which are rare. I try so hard to cherish our time together while he is small. I do not regret having a child. I just wish the child I was so blessed to have was easier.

He is only 15 months old, still a baby really. He doesn't sleep. He won't eat solid food. He has millions of teeth. He demands milk and won't take it from anything other than a baby bottle. If I try and limit milk, he wakes up screaming all night long because he is so hungry. He doesn't walk and won't hold my hand to steady himself to even try. I dread every meal time. I dread bedtime because I know it will be an hours long struggle. I secretly dread the morning, afternoon, and evening if we are alone together because every day is so long and lonely, even when we are around friends and family. The tantrums, dear God, they're merciless. I hate being with other mothers with children of the same age. Everyone seems to have it figured out but me.

I feel isolated, tired, constantly ill, deficient in everything despite being on supplements and drinking immunity yoghurt drinks every day. I feel like a terrible mother and a shit person. He's draining the life from me and my relationship with his dad (we are together) is broken. We were so happy before.

I love my child insurmountably but I can't help but feel resentment too. He himself is not deficient in anything and doctors have no concerns. We've done all that, more than once. I hate myself for feeling this way.

You know what, looking back on my post from this morning now I feel so angry at myself for talking about my baby with resentment. I adore my son, I just find the hard parts very hard and I hate not knowing what to do or expect. It's his age, teething (he's had a terrible reaction to teething, it's def No1 reason for the misery), frustration and just being an extremely stubborn child too (he gets it from me).

If he doesn't want to eat he will not eat, I genuinely have tried it all ways, and he would always rather have milk. I know I need to be firm and cut the milk. Wants to do everything himself but can't, I think he's the sort that doesn't like being a baby.

Def wrote my OP after a really bad night, a bad morning with teething having been up since 5 (I know it's normalish but it kills me inside) and was disastering. I try to remind myself its all just a stage but eating is bad, sleeping is bad, teething is bad, everyone is frustrated, it's all just a bit much at the moment.

I do work 3 days a week and enjoy the break but also feel the pressure to make the most of the young years if we can afford for me to not work full time (just!)

How is he getting on? What’s he doing physically, can he say any words or communicate? I also have a 15 month old son, none of it is easy. Xx

How is he getting on? What’s he doing physically, can he say any words or communicate? I also have a 15 month old son, none of it is easy. Xx

The worldwide average age that children are breastfed until is four years old. So the fact he wants milk is not bad. Just give it to him. Why do you want to stop it?
Plenty of kids don’t walk at his age. As you say, he is a baby.
It is relentless at that stage. Can you go back to work and get him into nursery?

It’s bloody hard and work is a break but also back breaking when you have no sleep.
Does DH share the nights?
could you have a night away in a hotel to get some rest?

I developed PND with a really hard baby. We ended up hiring a super nanny for 2 days to help get the sleep and food better. She had good suggestions and let me sleep - worth every penny. Sometimes when you are exhausted you can’t see the wood from the trees.

Which countries routinely breastfeed until 5/6? Do tell.

You don’t have to like the younger years.

Oooo I could have written this after a bad night a few months ago.
It's shit. It's hard. It seems thankless.
There's already some great advice upthread but I couldn't read and scroll on without saying. You are not alone.
For me its (mostly) easier now she's walking and talking. The frustration eases massively when they can communicate what they want (some of the time anyway )

Teething is hell on earth.
What about Lolly ices or ice cream? 100% orange juice Lolly ice

Baby groups. Ones where everyone else has crazy children and not placid little robots.

My eldest was an awful sleeper round that time he used to take hours to get to bed too

Op he probably isn't eating because he's teething. My DS went to being almost entirely breast feed again when cutting molars and canines at around 1 years old. One of my nipples actually cracked.

It's just a brutal time if you have a bad teether. But it will get better once the teeth are through. Are you giving pain relief for the teething?

No it isn't. For some reason that claim has taken on a life of its own on the internet, but there's no evidence for it whatsoever. And it's quite reasonable for OP to feel concerned if her 1 year old is barely having any solids.

OP, where is he while you're working? Does he eat more solids then?

It's pretty obvious that people saying cut out the milk and they will eat has never actually dealt with a child who is hard to wean. I favour keeping up the milk but before a fresh bottle attempting some new food with them. A lot of children like fruit purees because they are sweet. I think they were the first "solids" my children ate.

All that might work for a NT child but there could be something else at play. If there are serious sensory issues around food a ND child won't just eat, they'd sooner starve.

Similar re baby groups, if your child is screaming the whole way through while the other babies sit calmly it will only make OP feel worse and even more isolated.

I'm not saying there is anything of real concern here, a lot of this can just be typical development or 'high needs baby/toddler'. But if there is those suggestions won't help.

@Mamai100 yes that’s true - but it’s much more likely that the child isn’t ND, most children aren’t and all the ones I’ve come across who won’t eat are simply filling up on milk and know that if they refuse food they’ll get milk instead.

But for sure if there are other issues at play the OP will need extra help, but for starters (and from a stranger on the internet) it’s worth trying what I’ve suggested.

I also had a “wants to do everything themselves but can’t” child (still do!). One of his first sentences was “(name) do it self”
I was at the end of my tether with trying to feed him. One weekend I was out and my husband just put his lunch down and got distracted by something and when he came back, DS had demolished a load of bolognaise by himself.

Try to remember - if they protest about things, it isn’t the end of the world. If they’re begging for milk you don’t have to give it to them. Now mine are older if they begged for sweets I wouldn’t just give in because I know what’s best for them.

It is hard to hear them scream and protest but they’re not the expert, you are.

My DD was late walking as soon as he takes his first steps he will be off a will be more tired . We did half water half milk .he will be more hungry 😋. Sounds like he's a bit fed up atm ! I think he will get better in time.could grandma or a friend have him for a morning mYbe .or a day in nursery maybe.look after yourself .you're important too!

Have any concerns been raised about development?

Food I would put him in high chair three times a day put food out and give him time to eat. Then clear away. Offer snacks in between too. Limit milk offer water. Try not to show anger /frustration. If you are concerned contact hv.

Sounds incredibly tough. It won’t be forever though even though it feels that way. You’re doing a great job.

With the walking ( and I've told this to so many people and it's worked I should have copywrited it) . When he is standing, leaning against a sofa or something hand him a small size toy ( duplo is perfect if they have it where you live). Then hand him a piece of duplo in the other hand and call him towards you. You should be less than a metre a way. He should stumble/stagger towards you, holding the 2 toys. Hope that helps. My youngest walked at 9 months with this ( completely accidentally). It's not a race though, assuming no problems then he will walk when he wants, just letting you know of something to try if you are worried.

Reading this - and having teens myself - I honestly wonder why we do it. I don't mean that at at facetiously, I'm serious. If my daughters choose to become mothers, good on them. But I won't shelter them from the reality. And the reality is that we live our lives frankly doing stuff we'd rather not be doing.
No wonder more and more modern women are evolving not into motherhood!

Try not to be too hard on yourself, have you spoken to your HV? My baby is 2 in august and still has milk before bed. We've only recently been able to stop milk in the night by starting to gradually dilute it with water and then I switched to a newborn teat so the flow is harder. I offer water from a sippy cup first and then if she was to continue to cry I offered the bottle (in the end it was just a tiny bit of water in there). It did work and I found when she was having less milk she started to eat more. Will your baby feed themselves?

I’m sorry you feel that way, and I think you need to post stats on women not having kids, personally I did not and do not feel the way you do.

I was glad to read your update - you clearly know that resenting your baby is not really how you feel, rather frustration. I always repeat the mantra “they didn’t ask to be here” when feeing overwhelmed as it reminds me to show compassion and sympathy always. I’m the reason my child exists and has to go through teething/weaning/learning to walk etc etc so it’s my responsibility to help and encourage them. My DS still has milk before bed and he’s 3! I was dream feeding him until he was almost 2. Also, I’d relax about walking, lots of gentle encouragement to cruise and pull up, lots of time on the floor/ground, but my DN didn’t walk until she was 2 and is now an active 6 yr old!
Do fun things with him - cuddles, tickles, parks, reading books, getting messy, sensory play etc. I used to challenge myself to make my DS laugh at least 4x a day (silly voices, silly faces, pretending to drop things/trip over) and now he’s the most giggly kid ever and it’s great 😊. Keep positive and let the love show in everything you do.

Clearly not the UK. It’s developing world, stats from the WHO