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AIBU?

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Original poster

To worry that a court could order this?

52 replies

ctgeqp · 21/06/2024 06:50

Ex DP has recently got a job 5.5 hours drive away. Dd (2.5) has always lived with me and DP has seen her most weekends (never overnight, he’s never wanted that).

I am worried that he will suddenly decide he wants 50-50. Would he get this? Would dd have to travel every week? What if he didn’t get 50-50, would I have to drive 2.5 hours a week to enable her to meet him and see him?

for clarity, I absolutely want him in her life but have recently become worried about him suddenly wanting her to live with him

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 21/06/2024 06:54

That can't possibly work once she reaches school age or if you have her in any childcare setting. I completely appreciate, more than some on here, that large geographic moves sometimes have to happen but, especially as she's been resident with you so far, it seems unlikely that a judge could order 50/50 and that's too far for anything more than EOW really.My ex travels to our area to see DC and stays locally.

HamBagelNoCheese · 21/06/2024 06:56

No man who has never shown any interest in having his child for more than a few hours at a time (ie no overnights) and who is willing to move 5.5 hours away from his child, is ever going to go to the time, effort or expense of going through court for custody.

Original poster
ctgeqp · 21/06/2024 06:56

@BibbleandSqwauk shes in nursery 3.5 days a week. He has previously visited her round here and taken her out. I just thought now he has moved so far perhaps he would refuse to travel

OP posts:
LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 21/06/2024 06:56

Has he mentioned he wants 50/50 at all? He won’t even have her overnight and he’s now moving hundreds of miles away. Your child will be at nursery and then school before you know it- 50/50 would never work then. Just isn’t practical. Try not to worry too much about this.

Original poster
ctgeqp · 21/06/2024 06:56

Also how would I pay for it?

can you self represent if he went to court?

OP posts:
Original poster
ctgeqp · 21/06/2024 06:58

@LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa no he’s never mentioned it except to say in future things might be easier for him to have her more often. He’s never asked for her overnight and has cancelled plans on a few occasions, though generally sees her weekly

OP posts:
Keepthosenamesgoing · 21/06/2024 07:01

So he maybe able to request weekend custody but given he's the one who moved away you'd not be expected to drive to his. He can't get 50 50 because it's simply impractical. She's habitually resident with you and will be going to nursery, school etc near you. So 50 50 is not an option.

You can self represent if it went to court. I don't think he could argue for anything other than occasional weekends tbh

Abitorangelooking · 21/06/2024 07:02

Possibly by easier he means older/ independent. It’d be normal for example for your Dc to go and stay at his for half the holidays once at primary,

Original poster
ctgeqp · 21/06/2024 07:03

I don’t have a problem with dd staying with him but I believe she should have one base and she is already in nursery here and is settled

OP posts:
CrispieCake · 21/06/2024 07:05

It sounds far more likely that he'll stop making the effort to see her every week, unfortunately, especially if you don't facilitate it. From what you've said, I wouldn't worry about 50,/50.

Starlightstarbright3 · 21/06/2024 07:06

The distance takes 50/50 out the equation .

I wouldn’t give him every weekend make sure you have some. I don’t think this man is arsed though he is moving 5 1/2 hours away

HamBagelNoCheese · 21/06/2024 07:08

What does he do for work? Is it a niche field where jobs are few and far between?

Does he contribute financially?

Singleandproud · 21/06/2024 07:09

Doesn't sound like anything to worry about on a routine basis. He may well be in a better place to have her for half school holidays etc which is likely all courts will offer with that distance.

As the one that moved it will be on him to travel. It would be cheaper for him to travel and stay in a Premier Inn even if she doesn't stay with him and he just has her Friday-Saturday rather than drive there and back, so if he makes noises like wanting to have her for the weekends I'd make this point, most non-resident dads are tight and don't want to pay out more than they have to

obersted · 21/06/2024 07:21

It wouldn't be 50/50 due to the distance. Similar to my dsd and us; 4-5 hours drive.

Mum is ordered to meet us halfway though, and she has to pay for her share of the travel.

Dsd is older though and at school; she was here eow but it got too much with the travel/school. So now we have her all half terms, Easter, half summer and alternate Christmas and new year.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/06/2024 07:32

You can self represent if needed. He won't get 50/50 custody that far away, he may go for and get 50% of the holidays once in school, but that could be useful as it's highly unlikely you'll get enough leave to cover them on your own anyway. The parent that moves is usually (but not always) required to cover travel both the cost and the actually doing it. But you may find you need to meet half way. Given what he's done so far and that he's willing to move so far away though, I think you're much more likely to get very little input from him beyond phone calls and the occasional weekend.

Original poster
ctgeqp · 21/06/2024 08:08

obersted · 21/06/2024 07:21

It wouldn't be 50/50 due to the distance. Similar to my dsd and us; 4-5 hours drive.

Mum is ordered to meet us halfway though, and she has to pay for her share of the travel.

Dsd is older though and at school; she was here eow but it got too much with the travel/school. So now we have her all half terms, Easter, half summer and alternate Christmas and new year.

@obersted would i really be expected to pay half of travel that distance? It will be quite expensive doing a 5 hour round trip every other week…

OP posts:
Original poster
ctgeqp · 21/06/2024 08:10

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/06/2024 07:32

You can self represent if needed. He won't get 50/50 custody that far away, he may go for and get 50% of the holidays once in school, but that could be useful as it's highly unlikely you'll get enough leave to cover them on your own anyway. The parent that moves is usually (but not always) required to cover travel both the cost and the actually doing it. But you may find you need to meet half way. Given what he's done so far and that he's willing to move so far away though, I think you're much more likely to get very little input from him beyond phone calls and the occasional weekend.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness thanks, I don’t want to be obstructive to their contact. I’m just worried about what he may do as whilst we are amicable, he has pulled some very nasty stuff in the past out of the blue. I can’t help but be wary. Do a lot of people self represent? What would it cost to have someone represent me, circa? Are we talking 2k or 10k?

OP posts:
Original poster
ctgeqp · 21/06/2024 08:10

HamBagelNoCheese · 21/06/2024 07:08

What does he do for work? Is it a niche field where jobs are few and far between?

Does he contribute financially?

@HamBagelNoCheese yes very niche. Although he could work elsewhere he is very career minded so has gone for where it’s specialised. He does contribute financially via cms.

OP posts:
VJBR · 21/06/2024 08:15

obersted · 21/06/2024 07:21

It wouldn't be 50/50 due to the distance. Similar to my dsd and us; 4-5 hours drive.

Mum is ordered to meet us halfway though, and she has to pay for her share of the travel.

Dsd is older though and at school; she was here eow but it got too much with the travel/school. So now we have her all half terms, Easter, half summer and alternate Christmas and new year.

Who was the one who moved away? Usually that has a bearing on who travels and pays.

Original poster
ctgeqp · 21/06/2024 08:23

He moved. I am going to struggle to afford to meet half way on a regular basis (though on the face of it, it looks like I am well off due to salary, but I have debts). Will my entire finances be exposed too?

OP posts:
Keepthosenamesgoing · 21/06/2024 08:29

If he chose to move then likely he'd be asked to cover costs for access.

daffodilflowers · 21/06/2024 09:11

As I understand it, as he moved he would have to come all the way to collect her. You don’t need to meet half way, it was him who moved.

Livinghappy · 21/06/2024 09:26

Firstly a court will look at what is in the child's best interests and 50/50 couldn't work due to school. I can't see that being ordered.

I suspect what he is hinting at is extended time in holidays once at school as that is more usual with long distances. However he could need to build up to that

Does your ex have any family in your area where he can stay?

It is his responsibility to suggest a workable solution to see his daughter. If it doesn't seem reasonable to you and there is no resolution, the next step is mediation (usually £200 per session)

Only if mediation fails then do you move to court. Either party can apply for a court order, forms are available online. Courts are backlogged so nothing happens quickly so this isn't immediately an option.

You sound like a very reasonable person so I think see what he comes up with and if he's a good dad he will put the effort into seeing his daughter

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/06/2024 09:31

Tbh the fact that he is moving away probably means he will just see less and less of your daughter, so you will end up having her more (as in all the time).

Demelzatheredhaired · 21/06/2024 09:40

Long term what level of contact would you like? I would probably aim to eventually get to half of school holidays in your situation. It’s too far for weekend trips twice a month. And the expense does matter. But he’ll need to build up to that with shorter overnight trips first.