To worry that a court could order this?

[ctgeqp]

Ex DP has recently got a job 5.5 hours drive away. Dd (2.5) has always lived with me and DP has seen her most weekends (never overnight, he’s never wanted that).

I am worried that he will suddenly decide he wants 50-50. Would he get this? Would dd have to travel every week? What if he didn’t get 50-50, would I have to drive 2.5 hours a week to enable her to meet him and see him?

for clarity, I absolutely want him in her life but have recently become worried about him suddenly wanting her to live with him

It's a 5 hour drive but what about train? Surely much shorter?

@OhHelloMiss train is even longer

Mediation isn't legally binding so just remember that too.

My DP situation was slightly different. They both met away from their home towns, she was working, he was at uni. She fell pregnant, wanted to have baby back in home town with the intention of moving back to where they met after.

That never happened, they broke up and she stayed there.

Court didn't really care about this though. They said it was both their job to facilitate the travel and it was fair that they both shared it. They said it was good for the child to see their parents working together etc etc

You are having a laugh right??
Trains are almost always much longer and much more costly

Wait, OP - he hasn't said a WORD about wanting 50/50 or wanting you to travel and you've got yourself completely worked up? Is there a history of abusive or controlling behaviour from him?

Right now, she's just 2 and has never had more than a few hours with her dad. He has also never asked for more. SO I feel confident in saying that
1 he is not going to suddenly ask for 50/50
2 no judge is going to agree to 50/50

What's far MORE likely to happen is that he will see her less as he won't want to travel down every week.

If he is a good guy, he might then offer some alternative suggestions to manage for this.

If he is a wanker, he will make noises about it being your fault etc etc.

@ctgeqp With all the kindness in the world you are borrowing worry from the future. His actions nor his words suggest any of the things you are catastrophising.

The only appropriate contact for that distance is remote during term time and half of school holidays which will need to be built up to. Which will feel weird at first but is no real difference to staying at a grandparents or going on summer camp which is fairly normal.

If and when he meets someone else it's fairly likely even that level of contact will decrease. Your DC will be fine, as long as she knows who her dad is and preferably has some contact even if it's remote then she's young enough to just accept it.

Don't give it any more thought.

@GerbilsForever24 he is quite unpredictable and I no longer trust him.

@Singleandproud yes he said it was my fault he wouldn’t see her as much as I wouldn’t move closer to where he was going. I feel like I can win with him really.

Oh I've got a lot of experience in this. Ex also moved 6 hours (so 12 one way) , went to court and ex asked for 50/50. Judge dismissed it as DD has lived with me all the time before and the distance made it unfeasable. In the end judge gave me the lives with and ordered DD to g

Sorry pressed send..

Judge ordered DD to once a month fri to Sunday. And we split the transport usually train. DD is now old enough to do it on her own as a parent meets at each station .

If the area he is moving to was in a nice area, good schools, good outdoor space, lots of activities then I might consider it IF he hadn't previously treated me like rubbish and tried to blame me. As this is what he has done to you, I'd be glad he is moving.

My experience of family court was great, I put forward what I thought was fair and in the best interest of DD and the judge agreed and happily signed off on it. The rather outlandish things her dad wanted were chucked out the window. He quickly found he couldn't even keep up with what had originally been set out either and now DD is old enough to manage her own contact she decides when she sees him, normally on a Sunday as he lives an hour away

Ok, so he DOES have form for being a wanker.

I still wouldn't get too worked up. From what you say, he's a wanker... but also a lazy one. So the chances of him fighting this are slim.

Secondly, the child is very young and has never had so much as a night with him, I don't see any judge decising that yes, 50/50 is the way forward.

Thirdly, of course, as soon as she starts school, 50/50 is not an option if he's living far away.

So I wouldn't be too worried right now. Leave the ball in his court and respond only to specific requests from him. Ignore threats and complaints.

Start taking notes if you aren't already, of when he sees her, how long for, how often you offer, how often he cancels and when (ie how much notice of cancellation he gives you)

Can I ask what age you found it okay for your child to travel alone please? I know all children are different but would be good to know!

The only thing that we were surprised with is that the judge has made a live with both parents order. Perhaps that is why both parents have to travel to meet halfway? But I think that's quite rare due to the distance

@obersted travel alone should be fine for most once at High School age if being met either end and have a phone on them to call should there be a train breakdown etc

he said it was my fault he wouldn’t see her as much as I wouldn’t move closer to where he was going. I feel like I can win with him really.

Ignore him and limit your contact with him as much as possible.

If he decides to go to mediation either agree to him travelling down to see her a maximum of every other weekend - which he won't - or her going to see him every 6-7 weeks for a weekend plus telephone/video contact. (School half-terms and end of terms happen about every 6-7 weeks.) Agree to him picking her up and dropping her off.

You really do want him to help out with the school holidays when she goes to school.

While I do know people who have Child Arrangements Orders which they have to renegotiate when their child starts school but the parents live within a few miles of each other.

Yes, makes sense. Dsd will be starting high school this September and we were going to ask mum if we could potentially start prepping her to do so for next year. See how dsd feels about it next year I reckon!

I doubt he’d want 50/50 as tho would look after DD whilst he’s at work?

Don’t stress over things that may not ever happen.

For now, focus on what’s actually happening.

If he wants to see DD then he’ll need to travel to you and possibly stay somewhere overnight.

You do not need to meet him half way or pay for his travel etc as he’s the one that moved away.

If he decides to take you to court then go from there but right how don’t even think about that as it’s just a waste of energy.

i know someone who move similar distane away

they get half school holidays an has to collect themselves-this was after mother refused to even let them see dc

@Mooche thanks how old was she though? Dd not yet in school so I worry that isn’t long enough and could be changed in eyes of court

I would say she started doing it last year so 14, scary at first and I would call a lot lol. Its little things I worried about like anything dodgy, falling asleep and missing her stop (which would be a nightmare), but she has always felt really safe and had someone meet her both ends.

I wouldn't be worried about his potentially trying to gain 50:50 custody.

I would instead prepare for him to reduce and possibly at some point end the contact completely.

It's quite normal for Secondary school children to get the train to school though, although there is safety in numbers. When I travel I always sit in the carriage with the little refreshments shop near first class if on a longer journey, its always manned so less issues.

Train times are fairly standard, more likely to be late than early having an alarm set before arriving at the stop etc. chargers at most seats so no worry of running out of charge.

She was about 13 when he moved that far.

But even prior to that, when DD was about 8, he moved an hour and a half away and then we did every other weekend for contact and no 50/50. We had court when DD was much younger, maybe she was about 4 and this is when my ex lived locally. He asked for 50/50 then and still didnt get that. I know every case is different but try not to worry, I know thats easier said then done.

I know someone else who has an ex who lives similar distance also. Their child isn't at school yet. It went to court and it was ordered that theyd alternate from dad going the whole way, to then mum and him meeting halfway.

They said it would need to be revisited once they started school.

So dad goes one weekend to collect and then drop back, then the next they meet halfway and so forth.