To be worried about ds following nursery comments?

[Kenuppp]

I keep being told ds (18 months) is pushing and pinching other kids. I have seen him do this at soft play once or twice but he’s not like it at home at all. I do believe what is being said but I’m just really worried now as to why he’s doing it? A couple of weeks ago they said they had to move him from the group and have him sit with a member of staff as he was shoving past kids all the time. Is he going to become more aggressive? He can communicate ish and seems happy generally. I can’t understand why he would be doing it if no other kids are? Where have we gone wrong?

It is not ideal and something to work on but I wouldnt be worried about him just keen for him to learn and grow out of it asap.

@Ellie1015 why is he doing it though? I can’t even think of a reason!

Some kids are just really aggressive. My DS was at that age and he's fine now (teen). It faded off as he was able to talk more fluidly and express himself in other ways. Im not saying do nothing as obviously it an issue but you dont need to panic nor does this mean you've done anything wrong.

He's expressing something. It could be as simple as excitement but obviously this isn't an ideal way to express it. Does he have difficulty with sharing?

He doesn’t like sharing with his cousin but again I don’t know why as we have always tried to show him that it is right to share etc. Also don’t know how to make him stop it as he doesn’t understand properly

My child does this. Hes 4 and its still ongoing. On the list for an adhd assessment.
Its incredibly frustrating and stressful. I envy parents of children who don't do this . Sorry your going through this

It's not necessarily aggression, some kids just like the reaction. I wouldn't be overly concerned at this stage but would work on it with him. Maybe try find some relevant storybooks or even social stories around it

@Bendrix sorry you experience similar.

your post has made me even more anxious though 🤦‍♀️😂

@Ohlittleone would that work at 18 months though? He barely allows us to read him a book before he’s lost interest into something else..

He's unable to express himself any other way. He doesn't do it at home because he doesn't need to but when other children of a similar size there he pushes and shoves to get to what he wants.

Keep reinforcing the right way to behave at home and maybe take him to the park or soft play where he can play near other children under close supervision - I do mean close he musn't hurt the other children obviously. Model the right way to behave.

Children this age can't play co-operatively but he can learn to play side by side.

What do you mean by "sharing"?

18 month olds are babies. "Sharing" isn't really a concept they understand when it comes to toys etc because they simply aren't developmentally capable of the empathy that it requires. There are skills you can model and encourage to help them develop empathy but pushing them to "share" can be counter productive!

This article explains it well

Would depend on the child but if he isn't interested in stories then that's likely not the way to go.

I take him to lots of social situations where he might do this and watch him very closely, you may notice cues he does before this (possibly not) but anytime you see him go to do something I would try to catch and re-direct it without actually giving the behaviour any attention. So you see him lift his hand to potentially pinch and take it and stroke your jumper with it and say, 'wow, feel how soft this is', or something along those lines. Basically so he's not reinforcing the behaviour by repeatedly doing it but he's also not getting any response for the behaviour itself but is getting attention for doing something else, if that makes sense?
Ive not actually done this with an 18month old as it wasn't something that happened with my DD but I work with children with ASN, many being non-verbali, and have had to deal with behaviours like this a lot. I find preventing it from happening while redirecting their focus has been the most effective way to discourage such behaviours with many of the kids I've worked with (hasn't worked for all and have needed different approaches for some so just generally speaking).

@Ohlittleone thank you. Do you think him may have asd or similar then?

I can’t understand why he would be doing it if no other kids are?

He's doing it because he's 18 months and hasn't yet learned about personal space, boundaries, sharing and being kind. It's a normal part of development, just model good behaviour, get down to his level and say no firmly when necessary.

Oh, and ignore anyone who tells you 'no other kids' do it. They are lying.

He is far too young for that to be a concern. He is still a baby! It's totally developmentally normal for him to be a bit shovey and grabby.

I say this as the parent of an autistic teenager btw so I do know a bit about it.

@Fossiliferous ok thank you, some of the comments on here suggested it might be that. It’s so hard to get him to stop when he can’t understand a full sentence

Totally normal OP. The book "hands are not for hitting" and others in that series were helpful for us, even with tiny ones like yours. Very simple and repetitive, and they have some ideas of ways to deal with it in the back too.

Usually children are physical because they can't talk very well; it's a form of communication.

There's an outside chance it will be due to something with longer term implications, but at 18 months old I think you're worrying prematurely.

Possible early signs of being ND are making limited eye contact, not responding to his name or what you say to him (but this could be due to hearing too), or regressing in a skill already acquired.

@AtomHeartMotherOfGod thanks. He does make eye contact and will respond to his name. He understands most of what we say but he struggles to express himself and will often make a strange noise to indicate he wants something that he doesn’t know the name of. He is very big for his age so already towers over other kids and so it’s not great if he’s then pushing them too!

You are getting carried away, there isn't a deep seated trauma or neurological reason he's doing it, he's not an adult like you. He's 18m and the first time he did it, got a reaction he liked. Maybe a squeal, maybe a kid to move out the way, who knows.

You just parent this, associate it with a negative reaction, taking him out of soft play, looking disappointed.

It sounds very much like a form of communication then, and he's a quick learner as he's realised the size differential gives him an advantage 😉

Not ideal of course, but I would feel even less worried about there being a long term problem. As others have said, removal and a firm 'No, we don't hit/push' etc. No lectures; he won't learn the important message.

To keep progressing his speech, go for a walk and talk, if he doesn't enjoy a story, or dance and sing to a song. Nursery rhymes are awesome too!

No not all all just from that. Loads of toddlers at the playgroups we go to pinch and nip, it will be developmental, it's just that many of the children I work with will be at a much earlier stage developmentally than most children their age.

I don't think any 18 month old ever likes sharing! You just have to reiterate things like, "X is playing with that now, you can have a go in a minute," and where necessary enforce taking turns etc. They get it in the end, but it takes time.

So when you've seen him do it at soft play, what did you do? How did you respond?

A bit of an overreaction for 18 months I think 😀 They are learning EVERYTHING and appropriate behaviour and reactions. He has found that this particular action gets his way and now he needs to learn it’s not acceptable.

At this age, a very firm ‘no, we do not push/pinch’ and then you remove him from the situation/remove the toy etc so he learns it does not get the desired effect.