To be worried about ds following nursery comments?

[Kenuppp]

I keep being told ds (18 months) is pushing and pinching other kids. I have seen him do this at soft play once or twice but he’s not like it at home at all. I do believe what is being said but I’m just really worried now as to why he’s doing it? A couple of weeks ago they said they had to move him from the group and have him sit with a member of staff as he was shoving past kids all the time. Is he going to become more aggressive? He can communicate ish and seems happy generally. I can’t understand why he would be doing it if no other kids are? Where have we gone wrong?

Don't worry OP he is just a baby and it is totally instinctive to hit when someone is in your personal space or to snatch something you want. As adults we have to teach them this is not OK. I wouldn't waste my breath explaining it cos he won't understand, its just a hard no and immediate consequence. They need to be trained much like a dog, they will see the pattern when I do this thing, that consequence happens but when I don't do that, it doesn't. That's all. All you can do it make sure he understands the word no or whatever chosen word they use so there is consistency. Another strategy that helps is if someone is playing with his toy at your house hold his hand or touch him somewhere saying 'good sharing' or another term of affection throughout to let him know that by just standing there doing nothing he is being good. Lots of positive affirmation for good behaviour should help. Please don't worry or read between the lines. It's far too early for that.

Coming on to comment, I work in a preschool, lots of children go through this phase, my own son included. It was awful at the time he would push or hit anyone in his personal space, he also had great speech and could express himself well so wasn't really a reason he just grew out of it. My other 3 children didn't do it so it wasn't parenting.

Preschool will probably just keep an eye on him, model good behaviour and praise him when he is doing it right! I would do the same at home, if he goes to push stop him, get him to say excuse me or walk round etc and basically refocus what he is trying to do. I still do this daily with 4 year olds so please do not panic, they still can't share, it very difficult for them and negotiating situations is something you wouldn't expect for a couple of years with a lot more speech and social development.

I would also say that a higher percentage of our neurotypical children are pushers than neurodiverse so not a sign of that either.

Totally normal behaviour for his age. Testing boundaries. All toddlers are little ego ists and some just display it a bit more than others. At this age you just remove him from situations until he gets the picture. At a play group or soft play and he's violent, you pick up and remove so he knows he can't play if he acts like that. Try and find a way to explain how we are kind and gentle as best as he understands.
Is he coming down with something?
Mine was about to be put on a behaviour plan at nursery but then he was really ill for a few weeks with a bad fever and flu like symptoms and then as soon as he was better his behaviour improved.

This can be very normal in toddlers and is often a phase. He is learning boundaries and expression, what is his and what needs to be shared, learning about different moods and emotions. But he's only 18 months old and so can't quite navigate all this new territory yet! Please don't worry, just work with the nursery and teach him in an age appropriate way about being gentle and no pushing/pinching. I have two boys, my 2 year old is currently going through a hitting/pushing phase. I'm very much monitoring it and teaching him, but I'm not worried. My eldest is now 6 and also went through similar phase at that age and has long since grown out of it. 18 months is very young, try not to worry OP

Hi @Kenuppp, my DS2 went through this at the same age. His older brother and sister had never hurt another child, so it was a shock to me, and I found it so stressful. The phase lasted for several months (between around 18m and 26m), but then it stopped. He's now a kind, gentle, happy, well-behaved 14yo - honestly I never thought I'd be saying that!

For us, the most effective thing was to give him ONE warning and then, if he hit or pushed someone again, take him straight home - even if we had just arrived or paid to enter. Obviously this won't work at nursery but you could try it at soft play.

He's only 18 months. It's nothing you have or haven't done, it's just he can't yet verbally express how he's feeling so he's doing it another way.
Obviously it's not ideal but there's no reason to assume he won't grow out of it. If he doesn't do it at home it's difficult but if he does it to other children you need to be firmly telling him no, telling him to use kind hands and explain he's made the other child sad.
He's learning. Don't assume ASD, two of mine are autistic and didn't pinch.

We went through this as and it's so hard! Especially when everyone else's little darlings are toddling around nicely and being charming.

Getting the message over is hard at this age. Try the Hands are not for hitting books and don't panic too much.