Living donor dilemma

[newyorksnow]

Trying very hard to be objective about this and I just can’t. I’m going to fall out with (extended) family members for my views, if I choose to share them, and the two friends that I have told know my family history and understand my standpoint.

My sibling contacted me last week with the news that eldest child (young teen) needs a kidney transplant.
Sibling has requested that “all family members” submit to testing as a potential live donor.

I know that statistically it would be unlikely that any of us would be a good match due to diverse genetic backgrounds, added to that I know that some health conditions are not compatible with live donation.

I have a difficult relationship with sibling and very low contact. My children are all 18+ with the youngest having just finished a levels. None of them have any meaningful relationship with either my sibling or their children who are late primary age & young teen.

I’m already getting passive aggressive reminders from my parents & sibling asking whether I have contacted the transplant service and whether I have spoken to my children about it (eldest is away travelling, middle is recovering from an accident with two broken bones, youngest has a form of CP)

I don’t want to help though. I have no idea of the urgency of the transplant as my sibling has told me nothing until last weekend when I had a WhatsApp message that had been sent to everyone.

My husband has stated a hard no to any part of the discussion with our children.

I’ve been trying to understand the donation screening process and if you are really able to step back at any point, even if you are a suitable donor medically.

I don’t want to waste NHS time and resources when I know I wouldn’t donate or encourage my children to do so. I know they are adults but they are also aware of the horrible family dynamics at play here.

I am most acutely aware that a young teen may be gravely ill and her parents are doing everything they can to make things better.

I’m certain that I would not put my sibling in the position that they have me but I’m in the fortunate position that I haven’t had to.

I have no desire to have a closer relationship with my sibling so this wouldn’t be an opportunity to reunite the family over a selfless act.

I’m horrible, but my hardness comes from bitter experience.

The fact money have been brought into the equation means that the transplant coordinator can not authorise the adult children being donors because they can not rule out undue pressure

Exactly - and that's why I wondered if it would be worth telling these parents precisely that

I don't imagine they'd welcome hearing it, but learning that they've blown it themselves by their own choices might at least get them off OP's back

Contact the donation team and say no.

No reasons are necessary.

I would put on the WhatsApp that you have contacted the transplant team , unfortunately you have been ruled out due to health issues and your DC have been ruled out as they can't now be objective due to the offer of money.

@Nanaof1 , it seems you need to brush up a bit on your reading comprehension. What a laughable mis-interpretation of OP's words 😂

OP, I would break all contact with all those clowns, AND I would inform the transplant team that your parents are trying to bribe your kids. They could be bribing others too.

Finally, your sister needs to get off her arse and offer her kidney to one of the many domino schemes that are out there. Her kidney, she says, is not compatible. Let her offer it into a donation pool and thus bump her child up in the waiting list. The system works fast and her child ought to be sorted pretty quickly!

I cannot get over your family. You're doing well to stay sane. Glad your children seem to be level-headed too!

For the avoidance of doubt:

Eldest children were able to consider their response before any contact from grandparents.

They both dismissed the offer made from my parents.
They know that I have declined to be considered and my reasons for this.
Eldest has a lot of general reasons to decline.
Middle also has many reasons but also some valid specific ones.

Youngest has little grasp on the gravity of the request and I feel would be unable to make an informed decision.

I will not be making any report to the transplant coordinator as I know it will be a further weapon that will be deployed by my parents.

I’m being very cautious with my responses here, some posters have recognised the type of family dynamics at play. It’s as bad as you can imagine.

Yes I’m aware that my sibling’s child should be the main concern here. That is why I’m so worried for MY family.

you do realise that anyone on here could send a link to this post to the transplant service?

Is that a threat?
If so, I have done nothing except ask for advice with navigating a very sad family situation where the life of a young teen may be severely adversely affected.

It’s definitely a big decision. My friend has just donated a kidney to a stranger. Her daughter needs a kidney but no one was a match so they were matched with a family and have basically swapped kidneys. My friends kidney went to a girl in one family and that family donated the kidney to my friends daughter. It has taken it out her physically but it’s been about a month and she’s feeling ok now .

This is your decision and it’s not heartless. My thoughts (maybe selfishly) would always be what if one of my own kids or husband needed a kidney and I didn’t have one to give.

I think, @newyorksnow , the poster was responding to your sentence about not reporting anything to the transplant coordinator- you may not report, but someone on this site could send this thread's link to the transplant service.
I didn't read it as a threat, but it was a little brusque!

no not at all a threat.....more that you might want to ask for this thread to be taken down if you really don't want the transplanrt service to know.

Unless it’s their heart they’re giving up 😏

How the hell would the transplant service know who this relates to?

To look at the thread and go I know who that is then no....but to pass to the police as part of a criminal investigation, then probably. I am not sure if its illegal to try and buy a kidney or if it only becomes illegal if you succeed.

I think you’ve watched too many police dramas

Ok, I’m very conscious of any information that may be used to identify the family. I have made sure that this will not happen.

You don’t have to justify or explain yourself to anyone. You’re dealing, and will deal, with this situation in the real world and facing the real world consequences, unlike any of the posters here.

You owe it to yourself to protect not only your children, but yourself. It sounds like you’ve dealt with an incredible amount of bullshit, and it’s very understandable that you wouldn’t want to open yourself up to more.

Fwiw, I think your main concern should be your own immediate family - you, your husband, and your children. You are not in any way responsible for your parents, your sister or indeed your niece. Fuck any guilt that anyone else wants you to feel, online or off.

Thanks for this I’ll pass it on to my friend’s surgeon, he obviously doesn’t know what he’s doing…

OP, I felt a great deal of concern reading your first post and I am outraged at your parents' behavior. They attitudes towards you and your children are abhorrent.

Would it be worth considering cutting all connections with them?

At this point I would also alert the transplant team that your children have been offered money. That might protect your youngest, of whom you say can't fully grasp the situation yet.

You have my sympathies, OP. What a difficult situation to be in.

I'm so sorry you and your immediate family are facing such an appalling situation (ie the abuse, manipulation, etc). You are handling it with far more tact than I could manage. In case it needs saying - just because someone (parents, sister etc) is related to you does not mean you have to have any contact with them.

Just go NC.

It would also protect any other family members from being bribed. I understand that the OP is most concerned about her children, but I am betting there are other family members out there, that might not be as savvy or steadfast and fall for a bribe.

If you know they are doing something that is illegal, and you let them continue to do so (possibly bribing other family members, friends), then you are, in effect, allowing it.
It's great that your children are savvy and smart enough to realize the manipulation. That doesn't necessarily mean another person would, unless there are no other extended family members or friends that could be coerced into being tested, hoping for financial gain if approved.

for evil to triumph it is only necessary for good people to do nothing.

any update op?

I have a small update which may disappoint those posters who think I am complicit in an organ trading syndicate.

My parents have backtracked, unsurprisingly, saying that it wasn’t an offer of money for donating, it was something that they are giving all of the grandchildren.

Both my older children have now contacted the transplant coordinator and it’s likely that neither of them will be considered suitable donors.

My sibling’s child is “ as well as can be expected” and, obviously, I am not entitled to any further health information but my mother has told me “it’s nothing passed on from OUR side of the family” What a woman eh?

Perhaps you have an inkling why I have such limited contact with my extended family.
My parents are semi-retired from our family business but that will change very soon.
My own children remain my priority at all times.