Living donor dilemma

[newyorksnow]

Trying very hard to be objective about this and I just can’t. I’m going to fall out with (extended) family members for my views, if I choose to share them, and the two friends that I have told know my family history and understand my standpoint.

My sibling contacted me last week with the news that eldest child (young teen) needs a kidney transplant.
Sibling has requested that “all family members” submit to testing as a potential live donor.

I know that statistically it would be unlikely that any of us would be a good match due to diverse genetic backgrounds, added to that I know that some health conditions are not compatible with live donation.

I have a difficult relationship with sibling and very low contact. My children are all 18+ with the youngest having just finished a levels. None of them have any meaningful relationship with either my sibling or their children who are late primary age & young teen.

I’m already getting passive aggressive reminders from my parents & sibling asking whether I have contacted the transplant service and whether I have spoken to my children about it (eldest is away travelling, middle is recovering from an accident with two broken bones, youngest has a form of CP)

I don’t want to help though. I have no idea of the urgency of the transplant as my sibling has told me nothing until last weekend when I had a WhatsApp message that had been sent to everyone.

My husband has stated a hard no to any part of the discussion with our children.

I’ve been trying to understand the donation screening process and if you are really able to step back at any point, even if you are a suitable donor medically.

I don’t want to waste NHS time and resources when I know I wouldn’t donate or encourage my children to do so. I know they are adults but they are also aware of the horrible family dynamics at play here.

I am most acutely aware that a young teen may be gravely ill and her parents are doing everything they can to make things better.

I’m certain that I would not put my sibling in the position that they have me but I’m in the fortunate position that I haven’t had to.

I have no desire to have a closer relationship with my sibling so this wouldn’t be an opportunity to reunite the family over a selfless act.

I’m horrible, but my hardness comes from bitter experience.

yes, it is illegal, but you would if you could, and it was your child or grandchild, of course you would

Wow. Your parents are trying to persuade your teenagers to sell a kidney basically.

id be making the transplant co-ordinator aware of that as that should instantly rule your children out as they have no chance of making a clear un-biased decision when their grandparents are attempting to bribe them .

this.

I would sell everything for my child or grandchild…

But I would never ask my other grandchild to sell their kidney.

In order to save one grandchild you’d pressure another into donating an organ by dangling financial security over their head?

No, plenty fucking wouldn’t.

I would NOT ever want to buy someone's kidney or other organ which is what this amounts to.

I have donated in the US, not the UK, but I am pretty sure the questions are going to be similar.

One of them is 'Has anyone offered you a financial incentive to donate an organ.'

IIRC almost every professional in the process asked me this question, including the transplant coordinator nurse, both living donor advocates, the financial counselor, the social worker, and both surgeons.

What if one of your own children needed a transplant? I had this discussion recently with some family members, just hypothetical. But my sisters were told I'd only become a living donor for one of my own children should they ever need it

I voted YANBU.

You are not horrible OP

Same. It means you are viewing someone as little more than spare parts that can bought.
It is also not "donation" if money changes hands.

YANBU. You have a right to decline whether you have a good relationship or not. You are not a horrible person. I am shocked to hear 2 of your kids got offered money from grandparents and probably pressure too, if they donate. I'd be very upset by that.

That is really despicable behaviour from your parents. I imagine it will backfire terribly too, because it will rule your children out of being accepted as donors as they’ve been bribed?

It’s an awful situation for your sibling to be in- I can’t even imagine it. They should, obviously, be asking people to get tested rather than telling them, but I understand why they’re desperate.

You need to tell the donor centre that they are offering money - it's not legal - and they can't take organs from a donor if there's even the slightest chance they were coerced or reluctant.

Totally agree and you should mention that they have been offered money.

You are not horrible OP!

Even without what seems like past trauma from your family - you still decide what to do with your body!

Your parents also should have respected that it was up to you if you wanted to mention it to your own children.

I had pre-warned my two eldest that grandparents might contact them. The eldest is away travelling, back next month, & the middle one is recovering from a sports injury & is feeling very down.

The manipulative behaviour of my parents is nothing new.
I'm not going to inform the transplant coordinator of the discussion around money. This is a well worn path with my parents, money is thrown at problems rather than any loving or practical solution.

Do you understand now why I seem hard-hearted?

I'm not a parent. If I were, I'd be worrying that my own child might need one of my kidneys at some point - particularly when there's been no info given as to the reason for the donation being required: I'd be scared that my own child might have the same problem.

Wow… Your parents are behaving like Kerry Packer. (Gross Aussie Billionnaire kidney transplant recipient)

I don't think you’re hard hearted at all op and you’ve been beating yourself up a lot on this thread for making a totally reasonable and sensible decision !

I do think it absolutely shocking and heartless that your parents tried to bribe your children though and I suspect the fact that they seem willing to sacrifice the health of certain grandchildren to benefit another is part of a larger pattern of issues

Absolutely stick to your guns, limit contact if you need to and don’t let them make you feel guilty - you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong!

I cannot say this strongly enough: what your parents have done is nothing short of appalling. Not only are they breaking the law, but it is deeply immoral. They are positioning your children as tools for the child of your sibling. No thought is being given to the health (now or in the future) of your children, never-mind their autonomy.

I had a shitty childhood. I have a shitty family. Very little shocks me when it comes to crap families can pull. This shocked me. For your sake, you should strongly consider no contact.

You are not heartless. They are heartless.

You didn't seem hard hearted even before this revelation - you sound like an extremely good-hearted person who's been put in an impossible and unfair situation.

I'm not going to inform the transplant coordinator of the discussion around money

Though it seems a shame that's your decision to make, OP, but at least they've provided you with an "out" here

If it got to the point of the DCs going through the process they'd certainly be asked if there'd been any financial inducement, and a "yes" would surely rule them out straight away

So I'd tell your parents that, quite apart from acting illegally, they've just shot themselves in the foot

The manipulative behaviour of my parents is nothing new
I'm not going to inform the transplant coordinator of the discussion around money. This is a well worn path with my parents, money is thrown at problems rather than any loving or practical solution

Why are you not going to inform the coordinator? I would.
That is disgraceful behaviour by your parents, trying to manipulate young people into selling a kidney, which is illegal anyway.

Jesus. No you must tell the coordinator. Its really important they know.

Completely agree with this assessment