To think surprises are much more about the organiser than the recipient

[CeasarS]

It my birthday tomorrow. I'm not bothered, I'd be happy to have a birthday tea with my mum and an evening in with a film.

My friend, who is lovely, thinks I can't be on my own for my birthday and has organised a "surprise" that I'm not supposed to know about.

I don't know who's going, where we're going, what to wear. It could be something really wonderful, but I haven't had the fun of looking forward to it and planning my outfit etc.

I've also just been invited as a last minute replacement on something else. I'm not desperate to go and I've only been invited because someone else is ill (fine, I wouldn't have expected to be invited), but I'd have probably said yes, if I didn't think there's something else planned.

It's nice of her, but if she wants to do something, I'd have preferred it wasn't a surprise. AIBU?

No, you aren't being unreasonable. A lot of people don't like surprises and the surprise giver often doesn't consider the perspective of the person they are surprising.

I think it's often the organiser's way of imposing a celebration (usually a party) on the recipient that they know the recipient wouldn't choose for themself.

Absolutely. They’re horrible. The only time one was organised for me, someone let slip about it three days ahead of time, and the rest of the week was shite for me, pretending I didn’t know and ignoring other slips people made!

If you don't 'know' about the surprise then you should accept the other event that you'd actually like to go on. Perhaps your friend won't be so quick to impose surprises on you in the future and will involve you in the planning

As you "don't know" about the surprise, I would accept the second invitation without a second thought.

I think you are possibly looking at this through a slightly mean-spirited lens. It’s not necessarily ‘about the organiser’.

I appreciate that not everyone likes surprises. You want to ensure you are dressed properly etc. I would hate being at a dinner looking scruffy etc too.

but the way to deal with this is to say to your friend - ‘thank you for organising something for my birthday. I do not really enjoy surprises, would you mind telling me the plan in advance so I can be properly prepared’.

A relative once decided to "surprise" me by turning up at my front door to stay for a week. I was so bloody annoyed! I wasn't feeling well so the house was a bit of a tip. I didn't feel up to doing much. I was having a busy time at work. Didn't have much in the way of food/drink in the house. I couldn't ask them to leave as they live at the other end of the country. So I had to pretend I was happy with it. Although I did drop many hints during that time of how we'd have had a much better time if I'd had notice to prepare!

Even if the event is something the recipient would enjoy, I don't see how it being a surprise adds anything to their enjoyment

They don't get the opportunity to look forward to it.

They don't get to decide on the best outfit to wear.

They don't get to choose their guests.

And probably most important of all, they are deprived of the opportunity to do something they would prefer to do.

A work colleagues husband and sister organised a surprise 40th Birthday party for her. Unfortunately, unlike a lot of these surprise parties, she had absolutely no inkling of what was being planned.

She thought she and her husband were going to a very smart, expensive restaurant with her sister and brother-in-law where she could relax and not have to make too much effort to socialise. She had wanted to go to this restaurant for ages and was really looking forward to it.

She had been suffering from some serious health issues over the preceding few months that had made her feel like shit. She didn't want to be the centre of attention.

Her husband and sister probably thought, or convinced themselves that a party was what she needed to "cheer her up".

It's a shame they didn't ask her.

On the night, they went to the local pub to meet the other couple. Instead of going into the bar, her husband led her to the function room at the back of the building.

Unfortunately, because it was a complete (and not welcome) surprise, she had no time to put her face into "delighted" mode and everyone saw her shock and disappointment. It was awkward and embarrassing.

She spent the rest of the night anxiously trying to reassure her guests that she was pleased to see them. She felt utterly shit.

YANBU, they are about the giver, in the same way that public proposals, surprise holidays etc are about the giver.

The guest thing is important. I've been through some "stuff" recently, which is the reason friend has stepped up. There's another woman who has been amazing to me, but isn't really part of the core friendship group. I'd hate it if loads of stuff goes out on SM and she thinks I had a birthday celebration without including her.

YANBU. I completely agree.

For a surprise to work, you need to tell them that something is happening (like a quiet meal with their husband) so they don't book something else (as is the issue here). The problem with this is either:

a) the person would actually prefer a quiet meal with their husband than a party and then the party is disappointing
b) the person does like big parties and spends the weeks leading up to their birthday wondering why nobody is making a fuss or organising anything "proper" and feels shit.

Every surprise thing I've attended has been exceptionally awkward.

Yes, I believe 12 people are coming. I've seen most of them this week and not one has asked anything about my birthday plans. If I didn't know something was afoot, I'd be quite hurt,

TBF to friend, she originally told me it was dinner with her and her DH. I said, something along the lines of don't be ridiculous, I don't need that much pity, I'll be fine. She then told me, all change, I've gathered a crowd and has now told me who, so I can make sure no one feels offended who should have been invited.

So in the end, it's not too bad, but if I'd gone with the original plan, I'd have spent the week "looking forward" to something I didn't want to to and wondering why my friends were avoiding me.

I agree OP, I wouldn't want a surprise thing. I think they're well-intentioned but the surprisees don't always enjoy them because they haven't got into the mindset for doing that particular thing.
Having said that - hope yours is lovely, and happy birthday!

Depends how well the organiser knows you.

my Dh organised a surprise birthday present for me. Without my knowledge took a pic of my beloved cat (my 3rd child) and got it made into a painting.

I opened it on my birthday and wept with joy as totally unexpected - total surprise and he did it because he knows that my girl is my baby . He likes her - but doesn’t adore her like me and so that surprise was 100% for me and not him.

had he organised a surprise birthday party for 50 people - I would have been dying and that would totally been about him as he likes social events and I don’t cope well with crowds.

so it depends what it is and who organises it.

surprises done well (targeted to the person) are wonderful but badly thought out things are a nightmare!

I love surprises. But I totally agree in this context - a massive surprise birthday party is almost never great for the person being surprised for all the reasons articulated.

So someone offering to do all the work to organise my birthday party - on a date, time and at a venue that I approve, with my input into guest list = WIN. Me turning up for dinner with Friend A expecting a good gossip and a catch up to discover a random 30 people yelling SURPRISE - not a win.

The kind of surprises I would like are more subsidiary. I organisd my 40th at a restaurant, with food etc etc. I didn't organise a cake for lots of reasons and I was not upset that there was no cake as I had not organised a cake. But if DH had spontaneously surprised me with a cake, I probalby would have liked that.

I have been to birthday parties where one guest has secretly organised for a few guests to club together to buy the birthday person the kind of gift they would never usually expect because it's too expensive. Lovely.

Similarly, a lovely surprise might be if you've planned the party but you know your BFF/Brother/Child can't make it because they're too far away but they surprise you by making it after all.

Obviousy, if someone wants to "surprise" me by somehow getting Daniel Craig or Henry Cavill to attend, I'd be thrilled (to a party - where I've dressed at my best to start with. Not to breakfast at 7am! )

I'll take a surprise brunch on the day of my birthday.

YOu get the idea. So OP, I don't blame you at all. I would express your concerns to your friend and ask her if you can have a few more details.

I hate surprises. Well no, I hate planned surprises, I hate being tricked, even in a good naturedly kind of way. See also: magic

I totally agree. Surprises are a bit selfish really but you have to act like they've done the most altruistic thing.

I think a surprise gift is entirely different?

YANBU

My boyfriend organised a surprise 18th birthday party for me in a remote pub in January.

I'm a raging introvert in a family full of raging introverts. He was the opposite, as was his family. We glared at each other across the pub all night. He even invited my colleagues. Mortifying. He'd organised a curry buffet and a chocolate cake - i hate both. It was all about him.

He was baffled that i didnt want to get legless and dance on tables on a Monday night in the Peak District.

It's like performance generosity, absent thought.

@GerbilsForever24 you win the thread.

I wish you were my relative.

Both my BILs have form for poorly thought out surprises! I did screw one up myself once but at least I learnt from my error!!

Yes.

Most people appreciate a surprise gift, especially one that can be exchanged if not completely right.

A surprise party is an ordeal that has to be endured, or not enjoyed as much as it should be if you haven't had any input into it's organisation. It can't be exchanged for something more suitable, either.

YANBU. I hate not knowing what I'm doing. Anyone who knows me knows I don't like surprises, so if ever a friend told me they've organised a surprise, I'd just say something like "I really appreciate the thought, but I don't like surprises. I'd feel more comfortable and be able to look forward to it more if I knew the details".

The thing is that some people do like surprises. I think it's usually the kind of people who are very extraverted and enjoy being the centre of attention, and so they assume others love it as well. You have to just be honest and direct with people.

I'm going to a surprise party for a friend soon which has been organised by her brother. That family throw surprise parties for every birthday, I am under absolutely no illusion that she doesn't know anything about it. Of course she does. Yet still we are tip toeing round acting like nothing's going to happen. It's so cringey. I think it would be more of a surprise if they didn't throw a party, to be honest.

This is outing but whatever.

I intended to propose to my partner and wanted to make it special, but not public.

We have a lovely friend who lives in Malta who I visit often. Travel to Malta is much easier if you fly to Venice first (the airport is obviously some distance away from actual Venice).

I told my partner that we had a few hours to kill and instead of just staying at the airport we could go walk around Venice.

When we got there I handed him an envelope while we were sharing a pizza and he was panicking about about getting back to the airport in time. It had a letter inside saying that I loved him and that he could relax now because we were actually staying in Venice in a beautiful hotel for 3 days. I'd sat us at a pizza restaurant just next to the hotel so I could point to it and we could drop our bags off as soon as the surprise was revealed.

It's worth mentioning that Venice is his favourite place, but he had only visited once before while backpacking and didn't get to stay there.

I am notoriously terrible at keeping secret so they were very very surprised. I was quite proud of myself getting all the way there without causing any suspicion at all or blowing it. And managing to organise it all in the background. I even managed to say I'd get tickets for the vaporetto and buy the 3 day ones without him noticing.

He was very excited and very happy, cried a little bit then called his mum to tell her and send a few pictures.

I didn't actually find a moment to propose, and our follow on plan to go to Malta didn't work out, as my friend became unwell and tested positive for COVID, we didn't fancy risking it so decided to fly home after the 3 days instead and visited my friend later in the year.

I did get a lot of enjoyment and fun out of it myself, but as I didn't actually find the perfect moment to propose, and now I'm not exactly sure how I top myself!

So yeah, managed to get him to book time off and fly to a different country and not realise until we were there!

What if it's something shit though?!

Is it then reasonable to say you don't want to go actually?