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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's ok to contribute towards my own engagement ring?

55 replies

FairMinton · 19/06/2024 23:11

Lighthearted, just wonder what people think. My partner is loving and generous with his time and affection. We split chores equally and he chooses nice thoughtful presents. He's not flashy as he doesn't earn lots and, yes, I probably want a more expensive ring than he'd be comfortable buying. I want to be proud of wearing my ring for the rest of my life and don't mind putting some money towards that. I think it's sort of weird he's expected to by me a very expensive gift without an equivalent. My friend thinks I'm mad! But the alternative seems a ring I might not like or an awkward and potentially hurtful conversation about budget!

OP posts:
ForGreyKoala · 21/06/2024 02:05

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 20/06/2024 18:34

I think it's less about the ring you would like, and more about establishing the sacrifice he'd be willing to make for you. There's a reason engagement rings used to be expected to be 3 months salary. It used to give the man time and opportunity to deny himself to save a socially expected amount, to prove himself worthy of you and your hand in marriage. Whilst reflecting on his love and desire for you and excitement and anticipation of you hopefully saying yes. This does is essence "prove" he genuinely wants you - the process shouldn't be easy, or you doing it all for him. Otherwise this will be how things are for the rest of your married life. Particularly if you have a child - a man who won't give up 3 months salary for his wife's engagement ring won't be helping financially when you're on maternity leave. (And that will be your fault for picking a dud, and being distracted by the cheap shiny)

A lot of "but why doesn't he give a shit about me when I have his child" Mumsnet posts would not be necessary if women just observed the above! Make him prove, in a real sense - ie him needing him to sacrifice 3 months salary- that he does actually want and value you. Then accept his proposal, if you want to. And in answer to your question OP suggest to him the style of ring you would like, or pick one that would be 3 months his salary and ask him to get it for you (not on credit cards or with your money, obviously. Its sad I have to specify that.)

What a load of absolute rubbish!!!

Some of us had joint accounts at the time of engagement. We chose the ring jointly, and paid jointly. I would never in a million years expect anyone to pay 3 months salary for a ring, or any gift, for me. Why, incidentally, is it up to a man to prove his love in this expensive way and not a woman?

Turfwars · 21/06/2024 13:58

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 20/06/2024 18:35

I bet he was thrilled he had to make no effort whatsoever. That's kind of a theme on here.

Edited
Show quote history

He makes an effort in every other way, daily and has done since we met 20 years ago for me and our son.

I preferred to pick out my own ring. The last time he picked out a handbag it was not my style at all so he knows where his strengths are and it's not picking out women's' accessories.

Norma27 · 21/06/2024 14:38

I paid for mine. I was better off than him financially at the time and meant I got the ring I wanted.

mindutopia · 21/06/2024 14:48

It’s absolutely fine. I bought my wedding ring. Dh did pay for my engagement ring (though I designed it). I was showing my dd my rings the other day and she asked why dad bought me two rings but he only had one, and I was like, oh I bought this one. And she wanted to know why I bought my wedding ring, and I was like, because it’s the one that I wanted and I was the one there when it was purchased. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I have no idea which of us paid for dh’s wedding ring, I’ve never really thought about it. I love both of my rings and have worn them every day since. You should have what you love. Doesn’t matter who pays for them.

Hoppinggreen · 21/06/2024 14:52

I wouldn't do it, my ring was a gift from DH and I don't buy my own gifts.
If it meant I had to get a cheaper one I would.
The fact that DH got it for me is whats important to me, not what it cost.

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