To think it's ok to contribute towards my own engagement ring?

[FairMinton]

Lighthearted, just wonder what people think. My partner is loving and generous with his time and affection. We split chores equally and he chooses nice thoughtful presents. He's not flashy as he doesn't earn lots and, yes, I probably want a more expensive ring than he'd be comfortable buying. I want to be proud of wearing my ring for the rest of my life and don't mind putting some money towards that. I think it's sort of weird he's expected to by me a very expensive gift without an equivalent. My friend thinks I'm mad! But the alternative seems a ring I might not like or an awkward and potentially hurtful conversation about budget!

You can do whatever you like but I wouldn’t want to finance my own ring personally.
iv got a engagement ring, eternity ring and a wedding ring and I didn’t pay for any of them

I picked out mine, put a deposit on it, and told DH to do the rest.

He was delighted he didn't have to go through a sales spiel and the pressure of picking something that I'm quite fussy about.

I'm the same as @Turfwars. We went to the jewellery shop together, I chose the ring and stone colour, paid the deposit, and let my now DH do the rest.

I say get the ring you want 😁

My first engagement ring was an antique solitaire, bought when we were both students. I still have it but the setting is worn.
One day I saw a more modern version, still in the pre loved section of a jewellers. I bought it and wear it, I could have taken the cost from our joint account, but didn’t as it didn’t matter.
My original ring is safely stored away, as it has huge sentimental value.

We went 50/50 on mine. Bit outdated for the man to have to buy it imo, you are both getting engaged!

I think it's less about the ring you would like, and more about establishing the sacrifice he'd be willing to make for you. There's a reason engagement rings used to be expected to be 3 months salary. It used to give the man time and opportunity to deny himself to save a socially expected amount, to prove himself worthy of you and your hand in marriage. Whilst reflecting on his love and desire for you and excitement and anticipation of you hopefully saying yes. This does is essence "prove" he genuinely wants you - the process shouldn't be easy, or you doing it all for him. Otherwise this will be how things are for the rest of your married life. Particularly if you have a child - a man who won't give up 3 months salary for his wife's engagement ring won't be helping financially when you're on maternity leave. (And that will be your fault for picking a dud, and being distracted by the cheap shiny)

A lot of "but why doesn't he give a shit about me when I have his child" Mumsnet posts would not be necessary if women just observed the above! Make him prove, in a real sense - ie him needing him to sacrifice 3 months salary- that he does actually want and value you. Then accept his proposal, if you want to. And in answer to your question OP suggest to him the style of ring you would like, or pick one that would be 3 months his salary and ask him to get it for you (not on credit cards or with your money, obviously. Its sad I have to specify that.)

I bet he was thrilled he had to make no effort whatsoever. That's kind of a theme on here.

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight And how does he pay the bills/live/eat whilst sacrificing 3 months of his salary?!!!
Does she not value her fiancé as she doesn't sacrifice 3 months of her salary for him?
I would have been mortified if my now husband ever for one second thought that was an expectation.
My engagement ring was under £1k and it is so incredibly special to me. It's not about two much it cost but what it means. A bit like I love my husband not because of how much he earns but because of who he is.

Of course everyone is free to do as they like but i wouldn't do it. Then again I also wouldn't have contemplated going on my own to choose the ring, or buying it myself altogether.

I like jewellery. I have expensive tastes & I'm very fussy about jewellery & clothes. My now dh understood that from the get go & commissioned a ring from a jeweller I admire & got it right in every way. It is a fabulous ring & I adore it still 21 years later.

We went together to the same jeweller to have our wedding rings made & that was fun.

And later he had an eternity ring made by the same person. All paid for & arranged by him.

This jeweller is in another city so he also planned overnight trips/ dinners etc too.

I don't think I'd be interested in someone who wasn't interested in sharing those special moments with me.

When you say "I don't think I'd be interested in someone who wasn't interested in sharing those special moments with me" I think what you mean is "I don't think I'd be interested in a man who isn't wealthy".
Yes?

I was so skint when we got engaged, DW bought her own ring. YANBU.

I'm glad you have a lovely engagement ring and it sounds like you have a very special husband too.

When you say he doesn't earn highly - I think that's why the 3 months salary is specified, not an amount. It's whether he's prepared to put you first for 3 months regardless of the actual amount he earns.

How does the man pays the bills/ living / eating for 3 months - the same way he would if his wife was incapacitated from childbirth for 3 months and the bills were on him. It is practice for that, and practice for WANTING to do that, and not being resentful. It should be a joy to him to sacrifice a few months salary for the love of his wife and maybe his child too. And a good man should be able to manage feeding his family and paying the bills even if there are other expenses.

And of course an engagement ring does not have to be a sacrifice of a full 3 month salary straight. It just demonstrates that your wife is worth that amount to you. And who wouldn't want to know that before getting married?

i think its a lovely idea.

I paid for mine fully, i had more money than he did and I wanted a nice ring

Spending vast amounts of money on an engagement ring is to impress other people.
If you are getting married you know what this man is worth to you and you to him. It is only a piece of jewelry.

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight He is incredible. But I didn't want or expect him to buy me a ring worth 3 months' of his salary. I chose a ring I wanted (not an "engagement" ring in the classical design) and it was less than £1k (he earns around £1,600 pm for reference).
When on mat leave I had my mat pay plus he topped up as much as he could which of course wasn't easy for him it we managed as a team.
When I returned to work he took a day off (unpaid) per week for a year and enjoyed spending quality time with our daughter.
The price of my ring in no way reflects my value to him. He shows that time and time again in his actions.

I've given a couple of inherited rings to DDs so that when the time comes they might like to include some of the stones in any engagement ring. I've also recently had a ring designed for myself from stones and gold from DMs and DGMs rings which had old fashioned settings.

It's absolutely okay! Depends on the couple. People who have outlandish ideas about how a ring should look and how much it should cost etc are usually at absolutely zero risk of getting proposed to in my experience haha. A marriage is about a lot more than a ring.

Personally I can’t see a problem with it at all. I didn’t contribute to mine but wouldn’t have thought to because I had no idea it was coming! He chose and bought it himself, I have no idea how much it cost and I love it!

How anyone affords a diamond in this day and age is beyond me! Xx

@the

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight well that's a load of shite... The three months salary thing was started by De Beers, as a marketing campaign to sell more diamonds. And we're talking about a man who's going to become your husband, so three months of his salary is three months of our income. I don't want him spunking that on a ring! Are you married?

I paid half for mine. We were both young and skint at the time so the alternative would have been a can ring pull 😅

We went halves on mine.

Yes also I cringed at the inequality implicit in this attitude. Feminism is turning in its grave.

Of course it's okay - and it's nothing to do with your friend!

We had only joint accounts when we got engaged so I part paid for mine anyway!