To be caught up in a “tragic” dramatic relationship?

[HungUp77]

From the title, you’d think an automatic YABU, but - after a 10 year emotionally abusive relationship, I met someone two years ago who was so into me, interesting, fun, adventurous etc, whom I felt I’d known forever. But the catch was, something always felt off - namely he would on occasion explode into a shouty tirade at me stemming from insecurity. I’d break it off, but we’d end up back together. Rinse and repeat. He had loads of counselling and got a lot lot more self aware, but I still would pull away and felt I’d never want to risk him around my young DC (as in, the risk of him having a go at me in front of them). He’s emotionally immature basically. We’ve called it quits again for about the 100th time, but I feel the pull and miss him. The weird thing is, after the counselling the explosive incidents went away, but I started to wonder if he was actually a decent person (I’d been attributing anything a bit snarky to his MH issues before). Am I addicted to the drama? Am I just sad and lonely without him? Or should I change myself somehow to make this work - is it worth it? Or should I press delete on the past two years and finally try and move on?!

After a ten year emotionally abusive relationship, I’m not sure you’re equipped to recognise that you’ve walked right back into another one, and are set to make the same mistakes in any future relationships.

Have you heard of the Freedom project? It might be an idea for you. But good for you for keeping him away from your DC.

Also, you might want to ask to have this moved onto the relationships board. Lots of very sensible posters there who can identify arseholes at a thousand paces.

Or should I change myself somehow to make this work

Absolutely not. Never change yourself in order to make a toxic relationship work. Never.

Please walk away. For your own mental health. Have some dignity and move on.

Sounds a lot like love bombing in the start. Did he say everything you wanted to hear? Did it all seem too good to be true at the start? Did you have an intense and quick honeymoon period? Then, did it all come crashing down and the red flags appeared?

Life is far too short for drama. I’m sorry, but if this was the right one for you, you wouldn’t be on again and off again and repeat. You wouldn’t.

Leave. Learn to love yourself for who you are. Learn to love yourself by yourself. This man doesn’t love you.

OP, you’re glamourising a fuck up. It’s not a ‘tragic, dramatic relationship’, you are just used to a shitty relationship and have bounced right back into another, with a man who shouts at you, and whom you have to keep away from your children. Don’t glamourise it with labels that make it sound like a plot,Une from Wuthering Heights.

You are addicted to the drama.

Have you ever been voluntarily single or in a healthy relationship? Not a dig, genuine question, sorry it reads harshly x

Thanks all. I have been in healthy relationships before these two last ones… but yes, I think I was ripe for the picking after 10 years of being ignored as a person in every way other than name-calling. So I felt truly “alive” again with the intensity of this last one. Probably love bombed, yes. But it did (and still does) feel like genuine strength of feeling for each other. Admit the on/off pattern points to this never going anywhere

Oh god I was obsessed with Wuthering Heights as a teen! Ha. Makes sense.

I also feel as an older single mum in a small town, I was trying to make it work as the options are… well there aren’t any. But being on my own is healthier than this

Work on yourself, but for yourself. This isn't a good relationship - walk away from that for good now. But explore why you keep getting into (and going back to) abusive relationships - once you work out and work on the thing that hooks you in, you are much more likely in the future to spot these things earlier and ideally not get attracted to these guys in the first place.

Perversely, I have worked on myself for some time (which led to leaving the 10 year thing) and thought I was in a good place before meeting this guy. Goes to show just how ingrained these patterns are.

I feel he’s coming out of the relationship better as a person and I’m coming out worse than I went in. Urghh!

You went from one emotionally abusive relationship into another emotionally abusive relationship. It sounds like you don’t actually have any experience of what a normal, healthy relationship really looks/feels like.

You’re definitely not coming out worse as a person. Don’t talk about yourself like that.

See it as coming out more wise. You can obviously now spot unhealthy patterns, which is a positive!

You just need the self esteem to know your worth. And that will come with time. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Just a comment on your phrase "who I felt I'd known forever". That is the big clue that it's triggering or replaying some past stuff in you. The relationship feels familiar because it is - it's likely replaying an old family dynamic from childhood which is where you learnt that love meant sometimes being treated like shit, or you had to fight/shout to be heard/loved, or some other old dynamic that is so familiar that it means the draw to someone who triggers it again is magnetic.

A quote from a podcast I once listened to on this said:

"When you grow up with emotional neglect, if as an adult you meet someone you are immediately drawn to and things move very fast, it's indicative of an old, unhealthy pattern; you feel comfortable because a past, familiar (but unhealthy) dynamic is being repeated.
It might look different, but internally it feels the same"

Shouty tirade
Emotionally abusive
Explosive episodes
That's your own words from your initial post and they are enough on their own to wave a million red flags. Single life would be far better for you than this. Focus on yourself and continue working on you. Get rid of the prince ~of fools~

I was taught something once that was a real breakthrough insight for me. In my case it applied to childhood, but could equally apply to a long term abusive relationship.

It was:

If you have had to live with an unstable person who is prone to tirades, then you will have learned how to walk on eggshells, to agree with everything they say, to always look smiley, to show the world everything is fine, to console them for hours as they rant against the world, to quickly forgive them when they turn their misplaced rage on your, to minimise your own feelings and justify theirs. In short, you have mastered some exceptional skills and once you no longer have to deal with that person, subconsciously you don't want to waste them.

New furious, moody man? Send him my way! I am an expert on pampering his wounded ego, tolerating his switchback moods. You apply your skills and get some satisfaction at the results. You and expert you alone can cope with such a challenge.

To break the pattern you need to replace those skills with self preservation skills and self compassion skills and make them so strong that the old skills rust and when you next meet some demanding, emotionally stunted furious tosser, you have the liberty to react to them the way most other sane women do, and think, 'Nah, not got time or energy for that, mate,' and go on your way, unburdened.

Sounds like you acquired some impressive skills in that first long relationship and got the chance to use them again with your second relationship.

Binning that skillset is such a relief.

Hah - you just said in a few words what it took me paragraphs to say. But yes, this. Exactly this.

This is an emotionally abusive relationship. Well done on protecting your kids. Now it's time to protect yourself, do the brave thing and leave.

Am I addicted to the drama?

I think you're trying to convince yourself that drama = love, that your relationship is "special", that all the volatility is due to passion and the intensity of your feelings for each other. Unfortunately this is delusional and you're just gaslighting yourself.

What you're describing is a generic dysfunctional relationship with an unstable man. It won't end well (and I suspect you know that).

I know this advice sounds boring and trite, but you'd benefit from therapy that could help you to break the pattern of seeking out these entanglements with partners that aren't really available for a mature, loving relationship.

End this. You deserve better and so do your children. Good luck.

.

This. You are nowhere near ready. It’s really obvious from your post.

You keep centring him in this equation and excusing this saying it comes from “insecurity”. Frankly it doesn’t matter if it comes from insecurity or if it’s being beamed down from Mars. It’s not appropriate in a relationship.

Keep him away from your kids and have some therapy. You are still very much hardwired to excuse shit behaviour.

End it for good. Strength of feeling isn't everything.

Came to say this but first poster has nailed it.

I wasted ten years in a relationship like this. It got worse, not better. Thank god I didn’t have kids. Your child deserves stability. Imagine what growing up watching this play out will do to their perception of healthy relationships.

You haven't yet ended it properly and need to. The cycle of ending it 100s of times, missing him, taking him back is what your relationship has become and it's deeply messed up, as you know. You absolutely need to cut it off properly, not indulge the missing him mythology, and move on properly not looking back. Working on yourself doesn't stop and clearly you need a big reset to break out of this mindset where this man maintains any appeal for you at all. The 'good' bits are there to make you put up with the shit and all the excuses you make for him take away your agency. Fully detach, look after yourself and your DC and don't go back.

Can I just ask, you've been with him for two years but you say you'd never want to risk him around DC, does this mean that after two years you're not living together, not staying together, and he has absolutely no contact with DC?

Yes. You need to change yourself into someone who doesn't tolerate this crap.

Please.

Thank you for the insightful posts. Thing is, I bloody know all this! The fact that he’s actually worked on himself intensively and no longer has the explosions, and that his life is so much more sorted than mine also compels me. And the fact that I’m stuck in a pretty awful town with no life outside the one with my DC. But when they are with their dad, it’s lovely and he’s fun.

But yes, two years and he’s only fleetingly met DC outside - have never had them under same roof. He’s stayed at mine while I’m alone or I’ve gone to his usually. Clearly having not moved forward with this has been a huge issue for him. But I think it’s because I KNOW it’s not right for my DC and therefore me.

I really wanted another child which he was keen on too, but clearly a terrible idea given I don’t want him around mine.

F@CKK!! Know you’re all right. Know I’m right. I am in long term therapy - I’ve started even hiding it from my therapist

I am in long term therapy - I’ve started even hiding it from my therapist

That's a terrible sign, which I'm sure you know as well. Stop hiding it, face it and bring these things you know (but are at some level denying) into the light. Otherwise it's like some secret addiction feeding this 'tragic' narrative and whatever you think you know in theory is overwhelmed by it in practice. Take its power away and take your own power back.

The town and lack of alternatives is a different issue, which you should absolutely deal with, but not through this relationship. Take it off the table and then look to address the other stuff. But definitely bring it up in therapy and be honest with them and yourself. Be glad that you didn't have another DC together. You're smart and you can get yourself and your DC to a better place.