Want DP to lose weight, WWYD?

[ChampagneLassie]

My DP is 41, with a BMI of 34. In the 5 years we’ve been together he’s got steadily heavier and more sedentary. He’s also developed gout and other symptoms which I think are an impact of his weight (eg feet and knee issues preventing him doing cardio). We have one LO and I’m pregnant and I’m genuinely becoming more worried he either won’t be around to see our kids grow up, or will be riddled with health issues. We eat healthilty enough it is literally quantity and self control, and sneaking odd treats here and there. I think he’s in denial about the issue. I’d suggested gastric surgery and was thinking of suggesting wegovy. When I’ve brought it up he’s been quite resistant to the conversation. Any suggestions

Have you focused on weight or on health?
Maybe start by asking him to get a health check up at the GP. Say you're worried about him and it would mean a lot to you just to get some reassurance that he's healthy.

I paid for him to have a very comprehensive private health check a couple years ago and he said “it was the usual told me I should lose weight do more exercise, etc etc” I tentatively suggested another one recently and he brushed it off.

I used to talk about health but he seems to think he’s in pretty good shape for a man of his age, so I then focused on weight and gout. To be fair maybe GP would be blunter.

What did he think about the recommendation about losing weight he had?
ideally you can create space for an open conversation where he is able to admit he would like to lose a bit of weight, rather than it being something you tell him. I bet he does and is just feeling insecure and doesnt know where to start.

I’m shocked you’re suggesting weight loss surgery and injections 😳 at his BMI (similar to my own) he should be able to tackle it with diet and exercise if he’s bothered enough (and doesn’t have any additional medical needs). I know it’s difficult but he knows he’s overweight- he has to want to lose weight. If he doesn’t there’s nothing you can do.

Unfortunately in my experience GPs are really quite reluctant to say too much about weight. There are frequent posts on here complaining when their GP tries to include weight loss into conversations about other health issues ( even when weight loss would likely help).

My DH is older than yours and carrying too much weight in the most dangerous areas. He has finally accepted treatment for hypertension but when I accompanied him to the doctor his weight wasn’t even mentioned. He is actually very fit and active, just likes his food and wine too much.

Sympathy from me it’s a difficult one.

The whole time we’ve been together he’s wanted to lose weight. And there have been small times of better eating and exercise and weight loss. But I think the injuries now hamper him and I just can’t realistically see him doing any of those things. He comfort eats. I made much more effort to support exercise and healthy eating before kids but I just don’t have the time. I do realise he needs the motivation. I guess maybe I’m asking how do I nudge the motivation? I think it’s a wake up call he needs but I’m worried that might be too late. He has several older brothers who he views as “canaries” but whilst they’re a similar BMI I doubt they drank/smoked/took drugs the way he did when in his 20s & 30s so I fear his heart in particular is probably more strained.

There is likely still plenty of exercises he can do - swimming and cycling are the first two that come to mind. Ultimately, though, much of weight loss is down to nutrition. My partner is in a similar boat and is also on a waiting list for hip replacement. He still goes to the gym most days and, sometimes twice a day - once to lift weights and second time do stationary bike or a pool. And it really helps with his pain and was encouraged by the physio.
Unfortunately he still eats like a horse so the progress is slow. I basically resorted to cooking less flavoursome meals and hide the snacks he brings into the house while he is at work. But I can’t control what he eats during the day and that’s where we are failing a bit.

Mind your own business?

Honestly? You can do nothing. Nothing whatsoever.

Unless and until he wants to lose weight and change his diet, for himself, based on his own motivation, he won't. You can't will your motivation into his body. He finds it himself or it never happens.

I had a friend in a similar circumstance. She bluntly asked him to increase his life insurance because she foresaw having to take care of their children on her own. I know that seems harsh but she was really scared.

We’re well covered in that respect. But I’d much rather have him alive and well. The worst and perhaps more likely scenario is that he is too incapacitated to do much and isn’t able to have a full life. I’d like to spend my retirement travelling and doing things not nursing someone

Honestly OP I'm on the big side too.

He will only change when he himself is able to and has made that decision himself.

People trying to 'encourage' me just annoys me at times, and I can only do more exercise and eat better when I'm motivated in myself

My adult son has started to exercise, join a gym, eat better and, without him saying anything to me, that has motivated me

I know this. I don’t really know what I’m looking for…I’d hoped becoming a father would give him the impetus. I find it hugely frustrating. I guess I’m wondering whether I should make more effort to slyly affect things. Eg comprising my own career / fun things to be around more and make sure he eats healthy etc without telling him what I’m doing or why. I imagine me widowed at 50 and faced with two small children without a father and thinking what I wouldn’t give to change that.

Wot?

Sympathies, OP. I was in a similar situation and started seeing a PT which piqued my partner's interest eventually. He's now in a better routine than me. I followed the principle of show, don't tell! Are you following a very healthy diet and lifestyle?

The reality is that this something that only he can take control of. DH is a sugar addict, and has put 2 stone on in the last couple of years. I'm type 2 diabetic and have massively overhauled my diet but he won't touch what I eat - I still make him healthy meals though that he picks at and then an hour later he's eating a sugar laden bowl of cereal. It's really starting to grind me down in truth because he's lazy, sluggish and irritable purely due to his diet. He's had 4 teeth removed that rotted, he's had cardiac surgery but nothing shifts his mind set.

I did get really pissed off a few weeks ago and told him that he can fuck right off if he thinks I'm caring for him when we're older (he's nearly 10 years older than me). I honestly wish I had the answer, OP. It's like self destructing.

34 is a very high BMI and 'should be able to' is a stupid and ignorant thing to say. There is nothing shocking about considering, suggesting or using weight loss injections.

Audible > Paul McKenna “I can make you Thin”
This works.

If he is snacking, then ensure there are no snacks easily available. Not easy, I like a snack myself, but I don't miss them if they are not there.

Could you join a gym, or start exercising? Don't make an issue out of it, just do it. If he asks why, then you can be very blunt - he may not make old bones and isn't prepared to do anything about it, so you need to take matters into your own hands to try to ensure you are fit and healthy and be around as long as possible for the kids.

If he comfort eats, suggesting or pressuring him to lose weight/change will just reinforce the problem.

What makes him feel good, what life’s his spirits? This will be the key to addressing the need to swallow his difficult emotions.

You sound slightly delusional. Gastric band? What planet are you on.

No, don't play games in an attempt to "influence" him. It'll be obvious and it'll backfire. Anything you do about your own health you should do for yourself as its own reward. It may or may not have a positive impact on him, but that can't be why you're doing it.

This is not something in your control. Hard as it is, your choices are to accept him as he is or to end the relationship.

It is her business? He’s the father of her children and her life partner. If he becomes unwell then she will be the one caring for him. If he is unable to be an attentive husband then she suffers. He’s not taking care of himself, which is disrespectful to her.

Delusional and on another planet for thinking a weight loss treatment might be suitable for her very obese husband? How so?