Want DP to lose weight, WWYD?

[ChampagneLassie]

My DP is 41, with a BMI of 34. In the 5 years we’ve been together he’s got steadily heavier and more sedentary. He’s also developed gout and other symptoms which I think are an impact of his weight (eg feet and knee issues preventing him doing cardio). We have one LO and I’m pregnant and I’m genuinely becoming more worried he either won’t be around to see our kids grow up, or will be riddled with health issues. We eat healthilty enough it is literally quantity and self control, and sneaking odd treats here and there. I think he’s in denial about the issue. I’d suggested gastric surgery and was thinking of suggesting wegovy. When I’ve brought it up he’s been quite resistant to the conversation. Any suggestions

If I was overweight I'd jump at the chance to use wegovy etc. it's also supposed to be good for your heart. I guess you can't force him to care. But gout is excruciating. My dear dad had it when he also had heart issues, refused to stop smoking or eating fatty foods. He was only a few pounds overweight. Had a heart attack. Still wouldn't stop his habits. Had another one and dropped dead 6 weeks later. He was 55.
Sorry that's graphic, but you should tell him you don't care about weight, but you want him alive and well.

I think this is about self respect and self discipline. He needs to feel he wants and deserves a nice healthy body. Ask him what kind of dad he wants to be? One that can lift up kids and play around with them? One who is always needing a rest and moaning?

I think the best you can do is tell him everything u oh very said here
And also set a goood example yourself

You also need to focus on yourself now not on micromanaging him

My DH just got a fitness tracker (Garmin). He was already fit and active, but his weight was creeping up steadily and although he was joking about middle aged spread, he was definitely in denial.

Well, he put the watch on and it told him bluntly that his bmi was ‘overweight 27’. He was affronted, but stopped eating snacks immediately. As his bmi has gone down, so has his alleged ‘fitness age’ and he’s become more than a little obsessed with it.

Anyway, long story short, he would never listen to me, but when a tech gadget broke it down for him, suddenly he’s all ears. Maybe something similar would motivate your DH? (I’m equally obsessed with mine).

This is exactly how I feel and I’m well aware things like this happen. His own father who was far healthier died of a heart attack age 59 and one of his brothers had a heart attack at 50, thankfully recovered. DP is in denial, even about the gout. It’s so horrid, if I had even one flare up I think it would scare me to lose weight. When it happens he does make an effort for a few weeks then reverts to normal. I will try with gentle questions about our future what he imagines doing with kids etc

I would disregard exercise as this is going to be 90-95% diet. Sorry if that's controversial but he needs to eat differently - there's no point trying to encourage exercise when it a) adds extra pressure and b) doesn't make much difference. It sounds like he would benefit from a low carb/carnivore type diet, to help with his obvious inflammation - but would you be willing to join him in doing that? Might be worth watching some Dr Ken Berry videos on YouTube as there are Q&A sessions there which answer a lot of questions. I appreciate it's much easier said than done but hopefully you can both find a way to get there. If you have the budget to eat steak/butter/eggs/bacon/chicken wings etc every day then he might not feel deprived - so it's worth a thought!

Well OP I was widowed with two young kids and it's not easy by any stretch (husband's lifestyle was not a factor in his passing).

We just don't know when or why someone might pass away.....so I would try not to concern yourself about that.

I think try to be a positive role model but don't really mention what you're doing too much....he will see it and feel it

Does he have any friends he could play even golf with...lots of walking but not overly strenuous, five aside etc?
Its a v tricky one .....he possibly has a food addiction (I have this)

He needs to figure out what kind of exercise he's actually able to do.

I'm a runner, and when I had an ankle injury a few years ago it suddenly took my main form of exercise away from me, and it was really hard to know how to replace it effectively. I can't swim and dislike cycling outside; an exercise bike was the answer. It sounds like his issues are a bit more serious so I'm not surprised he has no idea what he can do and has essentially given up. It's not as simple as saying "exercise more" if you can't physically do your preferred form of exercise. I would suggest asking your GP, or a specialist fitness trainer, or a physiotherapist, about the most suitable forms of cardio for him.

As an aside I think the whole guilt-tripping "don't you want to be around for your kids in 20 years time" stuff is highly toxic. And it's a bit rich of you to push weight-loss drugs with unknown long-term side effects if you're saying that.

This is her husband and the father of her child, not some random person. I agree that in most cases, someone's body is their own business, but when you are a husband and father, or a wife and mother, you have to think of others beside yourself.

Exactly. It absolutely is your business OP. My DH needed to lose weight and we got him a PT and he got on wegovy. He's SO happy with the results. And really grateful to me for suggesting these measures. Like your DH he just couldn't tackle it on his own without that initial boost. Diets don't work for most people. I would push the issue- he's very obese and you're pregnant with a young child.

@givemestrength2023 i agree re exercise it’s just that with him when he exercised regularly it seemed to motivate him to eat less and was a fab virtuous trend. V when he is injured can’t do much I think he comfort eats . I did Keto for a while and he tried it but he just isn’t disciplined enough and 1/2 doing it is worse…it’s also potentially a bit aggravating for gout with all the meat@Itsallfunngamesuntil I’m sorry for your loss and you’re right no one knows but certainly if you look after yourself you’re giving yourself a better chance. Re exercise he plays golf. He also had a PT and I think I need to sacrifice my time to help make that happen, ie do more of parenting / household stuff. Encourage him to have sessions booked in. His PT is great and a real diet fanatic too. Someone else suggested a garmin which is a good idea too

@ChampagneLassie it sounds really upsetting for you. I hope you can sit him down and have a serious chat. It may get emotional but anything to get him out of his denial. I hope you are taking care of yourself too? X

Absolutely correct. My ex was the same, and never changed, despite developing an arthritic condition in his knee due to his weight.

Does he want a PT? Does he want a fitness tracker?

I hear you. I do. I would like DH to take better care of himself. But my ability to make that happen is limited to 1) telling him I'd like him to take better care of himself, 2) getting on with my life, 3) if I ever find I can no longer do 2, leaving him.

If you get him a PT he isn't bought into, he won't go, and he'll resent you. If you don't allow a morsel of unhealthy food in the house, he'll buy it and eat it in secret, and he'll resent you. If you buy him a fitness watch he doesn't want, he'll find a way to cheat it or just not wear it, and he'll resent you. Seeing a pattern?

Does he feel his weight and health is a problem? Does he want solutions to improve it?

OP been here and got the t-shirt. My exdh went from 17 to 25 stone.

He was overeating- I think due to his childhood. He was definitely an emotional eater.

It got to the point I had to drink a bottle of wine to sleep with him. He then accused me of destroying his self esteem because I had to get pissed to do the deed.

I’d talked to him about his breathing when he was he was going up the stairs, his GP talked to him about being boarder line diabetic and that he might need a hip transplant because of his weight.

Nothing changed just kept piling it on

Then we separated and he had his tummy done in Turkey. Lost 9 stone very quickly and got himself a young chick. The kids said he has to go back and get the loose skin cut off. I have noticed it’s actually creeping back on so he obviously hasn’t addressed his eating addiction

Your DH isn’t motivated enough to lose weight.