Affair - how long would you give your DP to change jobs?

[UndecidedDH]

I have name changed for this.

I found DW having an affair end of March. After lots of lies, I finally found the complete truth when I went through her phone and found the deleted messages between her and the OM.

The affair hurt alot. But the lies and the covering up afterwards hurt more. Specially when I knew she was lying. Holes were appearing in her timeline of events and I was literally begging her for the truth. Devastated doesn't even come close to how I felt. Gaslighting me when I asked if they had slept together at work and her making me think i was going mad for even suggesting it, and then finding out that they did actually in fact sleep together in work really hurt me.

She has apologised profusely since and I belive she has now been completely honest with what has happened. She wants to make it work between us. I want to forgive her, and I think I will, but I am struggling to trust her again. We have discussed what needs to change on both sides and we are working towards that. We have 4 DC together.

However, her and this man still work together at the weekends and it gives me anxiety and keeps reminding me of what's happened. I am now on antidepressants after my MH took a massive whack. I have told her that if we are to make this work, then them working together needs to stop. She keeps saying he will find a new job soon but this doesn't look like likely. He has a degree, but lives with his mum and only works at the weekends (sounds f.lazy to me.)

Am I being unreasonable to give her a timelimit for one of them to leave their job before I decide that I can't deal with the anxiety anymore and call it a day between us? I sometimes think that if she really cared, she would have have been actively seeking a new job by now. She likes her job and it works perfectly around our DC so I can see her reasons for not wanting to change. Or should I just suck it up and trust she won't do it again?

Thanks,

Well you can't trust her not to do it again, can you? Not with her form for lying. If she's not trying everything to rebuild your relationship (ie never seeing him again), I'd accept the trust has gone for good. As it's only a weekend job, can she leave before securing another job or is the money that vital?

First of all I’m so sorry you’re going through this, with 4 DC as well. I feel for you.

That being said I would have to leave if this situation was happening to me. So for that I think you are being unreasonable to consider staying.

1. DP has made no effort to say she’ll change jobs, she shouldn’t have to be asked, it should be something offered to you that you shouldn’t have to ask for. She must know it must be awful for you knowing they work together

2. Not only did DP cheat on you and risk your family break up, she lied constantly about it. No remorse or respect for you until you continued to beg for answers

3. You will probably never trust DP fully again. You also know now that she is a brilliant liar.

@pinkdelight has nailed it. She’s shown she can’t be trusted. You absolutely don’t have to and shouldn’t just suck it up. Ceasing working with this guy is an absolute must. If he won’t leave, she needs to. If she doesn’t take you seriously enough to do that, that is a huge problem.

Go easy on yourself. This is all very recent. You don’t need to make any ‘stay or go’ decisions yet.

Honestly I wouldn’t bother with any of that. You can’t trust her, the relationship is over.

Getting one of them to move jobs is a sticking plaster. It won’t bring the trust back.

Just leave.

Unless you actually believe the broken trust will be mended once he leaves (it won't), you're on a hiding to nothing here. So, suck it up or leave.

Do you honestly believe that you will be able to trust her again once OM leaves the job?

And that's if he even agrees to do so, which is obviously out of your and DW's control and WBU to ask him anyway.

She can still see him (or anyone else) outside of work anyway, and if you think that won't be possible because you'll be able to keep tabs on her outside of work, I'd query whether that is you trusting her or you merely knowing where she is at all times precisely because you don't trust her.

IMO, removing the temptation/ability to cheat is a red herring and simply reinforces the fact that she can't be trusted not to cheat.

This is not an option for me. Once this had happened they would be long gone. I would imagine if I had my arm up my back and had to stay they would have left their job the day I found out. No question about it. But we all have different approaches to this....its whatever you deem acceptable and if it's not done, what your next step will be. Best wishes going forward OP

I would end it as you'll never be able to trust her again. I might be biased as my dad stayed with my unfaithful mum and she bullies him too (and me.) I feel he's wasted his life when he could have moved on to a faithful woman who didn't bully him.
You've said she also gaslights you so she's a liar as well as unfaithful. It's affecting your mental health. Don't let that be the rest of your life like my dad.

Meanwhile, outside MN around 70% of couples do reconcile and repair from infidelity.
It is possible to rebuild trust, but it takes time and commitment to the process on both sides.

OP - if she is serious about repair, she is the one who needs to move job, not him. He may be useless, most people do affair down, but he isn't married to you and has no obligation to move job.

I think you need to assume that he is not going to leave his job, it obviously suits him and he doesn't sound proactive in going out searching for work.

You can either ask your wife to leave her job and put a timeline in place or you can leave her and deal with the implications. The only thing you really can control is what you do so I would focus on that and whether you can forgive her and make your decision from there.

There is a power imbalance coming across here. Why does she get to call the shots? What has she got over you?

She’s lied and gaslighted. Why is she not bending over backwards with remorse to save your marriage?

A question I’d be asking is why is she still here. Is it because at the end of the day the OM is not a secure bet? He lives with his mum and works weekends only. Sounds like a great catch.

How old are your DC. If you split would be get screwed over?

TBH unless you’d end up not seeing your DC, I’d tell her to go live with him, and his mum and see how that works out.

I'm so sorry OP. That sounds incredibly tough and I won't judge your decision to try and make things work. It wouldn't be something I'd be able to do.
YANBU at all to insist on a job change ASAP and this should be her priority if she wants your relationship to go anywhere in the future. The fact she is already pushing back on this is a big indicator that she isn't that invested in making things work with you -or that she thinks you are too weak to fight back against it and will give up insisting you leave.
Please look after yourself.

Sorry to hear this op - yanbu - but I don’t understand, why should the other man change jobs?
Surely it should be your wife? She’s the one you’re married to and the one that had the affair. The other man owes you nothing, so why would it be in his interest to change jobs?
Regardless of how good the job is for your wife - she should’ve already offered to leave and at least handed in her notice In my opinion.
The fact she hasn’t speaks volumes to me - for your own mental health it might be best to end things.

If your wife isn't doing everything she possibly can to save your marriage/relationship, I'd be making plans without her.

I'd be questioning who is more important to her. You have been lied to, gaslit and cheated on, and you've still stayed and tried to work through it.

What has your dp actually done to address and resolve the situation?

Thanks for the replies all.

Sorry if I came across wrong. I am not expecting him to leave his job, it's something my DW always says he will be doing "soon" when ether i bring the subject up. But you are all right, it's her that needs to leave. But it wont fix it. I needed the intention of her doing it on her own will, not me asking her to. I see that now.

Ironically, due to effect of all of this on my MH, I've had to step down at work as I'm not in the correct place to manage 8 other people when I am just about coping on managing myself.

Tbh, I wasn't expecting so many people to advise to leave straight away. She doesn't hold anything over me. Despite what's happened, I do love her and our family life and I would regret later in life telling my DC I just up and left without trying to make it work first when the inevitable conversation comes up. She has been remorseful in other ways, but the one that mattered most was at the request of me (I.e. cutting contact outside of work with OM). She's also offered me some things that I don't think she was offering in the right frame of mind and I said no (poly, TPE (had to google that one)) and I knew it wouldn't fix the problem anyway.

DC are all under 13, youngest under 2. We're in our 30s.

Thanks for the opinions. Given me some things to think about.

She's also offered me some things that I don't think she was offering in the right frame of mind and I said no (poly, TPE (had to google that one)) and I knew it wouldn't fix the problem anyway.

She offered you the opportunity of her continuing to shag other people?

How very generous of her!

I think she’s having her cake and eating it here. you need to give her an ultimatum that she either leaves the job or you split up. Having been through something similar then there is no way I could get past it while there was still some contact.

Friends of ours split up after the husband had an affair with a lady in a shop next to where he worked in his own shop. They got back together after about 6 months and are now happily back together. This was years ago, so yes, it can work out. The OW still carried on working next door, but her DH had to promise never to go in there again.

Jeez, she's not much of a catch. She should have resigned from the job immediately without being asked - the fact she hasn't tells you all you need to know about her commitment to your relationship.

She said she would "stay" monogamous. Which seemed unfair and sounded like a recipe for disaster. I was never looking ro shag other people. I still am not. I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Mate, I think you either accept that your Mrs. will be sleeping with other men and be OK with that, or end it.

Talk with each other. Maybe an open marriage is what will work for you both. What won't work is having no trust in her. That will eat you up inside.

Jesus wept bin her off, it’s not only infidelity it’s the cheating, lying and carrying on with working with OM. Why is that ok with you. Your mh is your greatest most precious asset. Save yourself!

Hmmm, Poly or TPE

Where does she get these ideas from? They are there, in her head, and you had to Google them.

I believe TPE, Total Power Exchange is a BDSM term.

Has your wife had an affair as in emotional, he gets me, he’s there for me and we had sex, or is this thing she’s had with mummy’s boy actually an opportunity to play out some things she’s in to?

I asked the exact same question. It's the first one she says, but I suspect their might be an element of the second. We've had bondage straps on our bed for about 6 years so the BDSM is not "new" thing. I'd just never came across TPE before.

You've shown a lot more patience than I would. Because if I'd decided to stay with a cheating partner, a primary condition would be no further contact with the affair partner with immediate effect. I certainly wouldn't be waiting around for the other woman/man to maybe move jobs.
I hate to say this, but unless you're desperate for the money, and she has to stay in this job, it smacks to me of fobbing you off, waiting for the dust to settle and then potentially carrying on the affair. Because remember, this affair is 'over' only because you discovered it, her lies didn't work, and you've given her no choice, not because her feelings for this other man have miraculously vanished.
If id been forgiven for repeated sex with someone else, compounded by lie upon lie and gaslighting, I'd seen the light and genuinely thought id made a huge mistake, and realky only wanted my DP, I'd be walking across coals to reassure and make it up to them. If she had even an ounce of care or respect for you, so would she.