Affair - how long would you give your DP to change jobs?

[UndecidedDH]

I have name changed for this.

I found DW having an affair end of March. After lots of lies, I finally found the complete truth when I went through her phone and found the deleted messages between her and the OM.

The affair hurt alot. But the lies and the covering up afterwards hurt more. Specially when I knew she was lying. Holes were appearing in her timeline of events and I was literally begging her for the truth. Devastated doesn't even come close to how I felt. Gaslighting me when I asked if they had slept together at work and her making me think i was going mad for even suggesting it, and then finding out that they did actually in fact sleep together in work really hurt me.

She has apologised profusely since and I belive she has now been completely honest with what has happened. She wants to make it work between us. I want to forgive her, and I think I will, but I am struggling to trust her again. We have discussed what needs to change on both sides and we are working towards that. We have 4 DC together.

However, her and this man still work together at the weekends and it gives me anxiety and keeps reminding me of what's happened. I am now on antidepressants after my MH took a massive whack. I have told her that if we are to make this work, then them working together needs to stop. She keeps saying he will find a new job soon but this doesn't look like likely. He has a degree, but lives with his mum and only works at the weekends (sounds f.lazy to me.)

Am I being unreasonable to give her a timelimit for one of them to leave their job before I decide that I can't deal with the anxiety anymore and call it a day between us? I sometimes think that if she really cared, she would have have been actively seeking a new job by now. She likes her job and it works perfectly around our DC so I can see her reasons for not wanting to change. Or should I just suck it up and trust she won't do it again?

Thanks,

She also had unprotected sex with him and she wasn't on the pill. And he's bi (I've been tested).

The more I write and think about this I realise I am being taken for a mug. I need to have some self respect for myself.

Thanks for listening all.

Her leaving her job isn’t going to make you trust her and I don’t think anyone can truly ever trust their partner after an affair.

But the fact that she’s still working there 2 months after you found out and she’s not in a rush to leave would tell me everything I needed to know.

Anyone who was truly sorry and regretful would have handed their notice in there and then and not need to be asked.

I’m actually shocked at the cheek of her.

You deserve better than this OP.

Sorry OP but yes I think she has made a mug of you and you deserve better x

dunno what tpe is/poly i do. NOT IN RIGHT FRAME OF MIND!!!!!! oh dear me.YOU mean "caught" absolutely evidence based FACTS which she had gaslit you for months on. SHE no a position to barter! far less offer more suitble to her rrngement.
This is horrible.Im sorry. am saying it anywy,not to add to youre heartache but.in vague hope it hits like brick before spirals further.
IF someone treats you like they dont think you matter.BELIEVE them.
she snuck about,lied,denied,over and over to PROTECT herself/continued what waas doing until you were ble to produce her deleted(intention/not for your eyes)evidence.
sorry?

the disregaard for you,the kids is screaming out.she waants to make it work.
your mental health is very impcted. hows she help with that?
i am not saying throw towel in.
(tho would lean towards it) YOU hve to very much do you.YOU deserve peaace of mind,respect yourself enough-sure cant chanage what hs hppened,protect yourself. forgive nd forget? seriously unlikely.

Honestly, for me the lies after the first lie would have been the nail in the coffin. Sorry, OP.

My DH had an affair too with someone at work. TBH, ofcourse I wished he could leave, or she did. But neither of those options were immediately available.

So, i just didn't ask. I couldn't give it the head space. I don't think they worked in the same office or even in the same building, but I knew they interacted at times.....

It's a really messy situation, I'm sorry you are going through it

I'm sorry you're going through this.

It's hard as you do have kids etc but to be honest I doubt she won't cheat again she definitely will. Then to still be working there and insult you by offering you to shag someone else 🙄

Run whilst you can.

The affair may have gone underground. You are judging her by your standards.

She needs to leave the job solely to prove she is putting you first. To stop the triggers and mental health crisis you are having. Betrayal causes PTSD - Google it. You are your number one priority and having Mrs CheatyMcCheater around and driving off to work to spend time with this man Won’t be helping you and in turn the children.

your priority is getting yourself out of this bullshit situation. That may be with her or without her. But she’s not reconciliation material if she cannot see that changing job immediately is essential to reconciling.

Good luck op. Look after yourself. How to help your spouse heal from you affair is worth a read. Not just friends by Glass is another. If you want to leave and need a push ‘cheating in a nutshell’ by Mitchell will give you information about how despair turns to disgust. But your gut feeling is correct - she should have changed jobs immediately. I’m not convinced the affair and /or the ego kibbles she needs from this chap have finished.

When I say stop I mean stop creating more triggers.

Have some respect for yourself and leave her. It will eat away at you every day being near her... you deserve better. Bin her off and move on with your life! I couldn't even be in the same room with her if that was my wife.

rant over 😅

Oh and you aren’t a mug. You are a man who trusted and saw the best in the woman he willingly committed to. You are a prize and that trust and belief you have given are great traits.

Foolish to throw away a faithful trusting partner who sees the best in his wife. She’s the mug for shagging a man who is happy being a hidden bit on the side. Great catch - snogging someone else’s girlfriend behind the bike sheds wasn’t a great look at 15, it’s certainly not as an adult.

Don’t lose that part of you by thinking you are a mug - you aren’t. You are the prize here. Write down your good points and live by them daily. It will help you come out with good self esteem. Don’t let her take that.

My view is you are either going to trust her or you aren't. Where she works shouldn't matter. 8m sure if she moved companies, there would be men working there too.

People are all too quick on here to say leave, but when there are 4 DC involved and you both seem willing to work on the relationship and it is your actual life, it is a little more difficult.

There are many resources out there to help post - affair. From a friend who was in a similar situation (and actually now has the best relationship out of all my friends), the best advice is find a decent marriage counsellor.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

You're not a mug but don't let her dictate terms. She has broken things and you do not have to put up with constantly wondering if she can be trusted again.

Assuming you both want to rebuild the relationship then I'd say the first step is her quitting today.

It would depend on what the job was but I'd expect my DW to quit straight away. If it's a career type job that she'll need a reference from going forwards then just walking out could have profesional ramifications down the line so I'd expect her to hand her notice in tomorrow, work it professionally and then leave with no further contact with the OM.

If it's more of a weekend / casual type job rather than a career then I'd expect her to simply phone up right now and say ' Hi, I quit, sorry but I won't be in again, ever'. I'd literally hand her the phone and say if you're committed to saving our marriage you must do this right now in front of me.

I'm so sorry op but such a breech of trust will be nearly impossible to fix. You deserve better then this.

1. Bin her
2. There is no 2

The more I write and think about this I realise I am being taken for a mug. I need to have some self respect for myself.

Well done, honestly no one can tell you that, you have to realise it for yourself.

My marriage survived infidelity. Because he immediately grovelled, offered to do anything, found an app that would share his location with me, found a therapist, etc etc.

Whereas in your situation, it’s the classic “she cares that you found out, not that it happened”. She doesn’t want to change jobs, she offered to open up your relationship. Honestly I can’t see how you can possibly trust her again, sounds to me like she’ll do it again as soon as she sees an opportunity.

I'm afraid this is the end for you. My H had an affair with a colleague. The betrayal is awful. The lies. Being treated like a fool. I tried to forgive it. But it showed a basic lack of respect for me that was then obvious in other areas, despite his pleas for forgiveness.

I tried. I really did. But I knew I could never trust him again. Like you my MH suffered. I went from a happy easy going person to an emotional wreck. In the end I realised the relationship wasn't worth me being on antidepressants and going to counselling. It was difficult to make the decision to leave. But it was the best decision. I am happier now. I was never going to be happy if we stayed married.