Am I overreacting? Or do I have to accept that most people I get close to will walk out on me

[Acrazybimbo]

Exactly that. I feel when I get close to someone and start to consider them a good friend, we’ve confided in each other about personal stuff that’s happened in our lives, we are so so similar, I think very highly of them then they start pulling away (either real or imagined). It’s like I can’t be close to someone who I feel gets me so so much because most of the time they pull away. Each time it happens I’m always the one hurting, always the one left picking up the pieces knowing I’ll have to watch others have that super close bond. Maybe I’m too much and I need to change. It’s not like I constantly message and annoy people. Maybe she’s sensed that I’m not good enough. Maybe I’m overreacting and she’s going through things and it’s not me. It’s just everytime this happens it can’t not be me. Now I have to find someone similar to not feel hurt and to cope

sounds sad, and you are probably just unlucky. I hope your friendships continue - sometimes there is a bit of ebb and flo, but the friendship itself remains solid underneath

I feel sad as I really value her as a friend. I hope it’s just a blip and it’s not me. I feel so close to her and if she was truly to go distant I’d be devastated. I have abandonment issues from years of relationship trauma and growing up with a disability, made to feel undervalued and too different for meaningful relationships

Bump

With kindness, there is probably an element of self fulfilling prophecy and self sabotage at play.
You are fearful and expect people to leave and then in an unconscious way you either push them away or pull them so close that they get uncomfortable and leave anyway.
Have you had therapy to work on your past issues and help you manage unhealthy relationship patterns?
Also, in what timeframe are you trying to develop ‘a super close bond’? True friendships that are super close take time (years) to develop. Relationships that get super intense in a short period of time rarely are long lasting as there is something toxic/codependent about them.

Now I have to find someone similar to not feel hurt and to cope

That's a big red flag to me. It tells me that you are seeking people for your own benefit rather than wanting to develop close connection with someone which is always give and take. Agree with the PP, you need to reconsider your motives and how your behaviour influences the relationship. And seek some therapy to resolve your personal challenges before attempting to seek closer relationships.

This is not something that I think normally happens, kindly I am wondering if there's a reason if its repeatedly the same thing over and over. Can you explain a bit more. How often are you messaging, calling? Are you wanting to meet a lot. Are you talking negatively a lot? Sorry just trying to unpick what it could be.

Is this the online friend who isn’t coming to your birthday?

So after reading your other post, you say you have close friends who you love dearly. I suspect the fact that you can't get another friend out of your head does sound like you're in love with her and this is why you're feeling empty. Are you in a relationship that you'd actually rather not be in? And this twin thing you're looking for is actually another woman romantically?

If this is a pattern, then yes, I would suggest you'r eeither doing somethign wrong or misreading relationships. how long was this person your friend/? True frienship takes time. you can bond with someone and have a real connection but not actually convert that into genuine long-term friendship. either because long-term you're not actually compatible, or because life just doesn't work out that way eg because of work/family commitments, distance etc. I still feel sad that a woman I became friendly with when DS was a baby moved away. I feel like if we'd stayed local we'd have become good friends but by the time she moved, we weren't close enough. It's no one's fault, it just is.

To me it sounds like you are trying to get some unmet needs met by these relationships. I don’t mean friendship needs, I mean deeper needs. Eventually that probably comes out either in communication or unconsciously.

I have had a few friendships in the past where by the friendship started to go way beyond friendship levels towards almost an unhealthy dependence level, one ex friend was ND and another with significant childhood trauma. Eventually even though they were genuinely nice people I had to pull back for my own mental well being. A mutual friend explained the issue to one of the ex friends and they were completely oblivious even though it was a long standing pattern for them in friendships.

maybe leave it for a couple of weeks, and if she hasn't contacted you in that time, then contact her again with an invite for coffee, of something, and then if she says yes, all good, and if she says no, then back off and give her space

Yes I will admit. I have unmet needs and a void that needs filled and only certain people can fill it. I feel I need that like minded close friend. Communication if you count comments on photos then it was most days. Last time she messaged me was 4 days ago on a different platform than usual. I was upset two weeks ago and I really needed to talk to her but she didn’t open my message. Yes she’s an online friend but she’s the type that if we lived close by we’d be inseparable. This morning she seen the message along with a few funny reels and liked one of the reels. This was like 7 in the morning and I got excited (like I normally do when she contacts me) and assumed she was replying and when she didn’t I felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness and feared the worst and my head was exploding with all sorts of thoughts like this always happens to me, I get close to people then they leave me, I’m not good enough and never will be etc I went to baby club later that morning and cheered up but I was meant to meet my best friend but her fat lazy ass sister demanded she help her with shopping so that’s another day wasted

Thanks. I’m thinking of doing that. Although she’s an online friend so maybe instead of the coffee I’ll ask her if she wants to chat on the phone. My birthday is next Saturday should I contact her just before then or after that as I’m going clubbing that night and if she was to be distant with me I could see myself knocking back the drinks and being a mess that night

Yes I will admit. I have unmet needs and a void that needs filled and only certain people can fill it. I feel I need that like minded close friend.

Honestly this will be it for you so. No judgement from me, I reckon the reason I attracted people like that in the past was because I was in a similar situation. I did a lot of work on myself and now I’m no longer in that position. Did you have quite an overpowering parent by any chance? Childhood relationships can really affect your sense of self.

Saying horrible things about your best friend's sister doesn't paint you in a good light.

And you are coming over as a bit intense re friendships. Particularly online ones.

I think I attract people who do that. Yes I had overbearing parents and I grew up with people devaluing me and not accepting me so it made me have bad low self worth. It’s got a bit better but everytime I do work on myself something else comes along to undo that. I think my ex is sending bad energy my way as he was playing wee games 2 weeks ago by adding me on social media and that’s when shit hit the fan and my moods haven’t been as happy since as before then I was ecstatic

My friend is sick of running to her everytime she clicks her fingers instead of maybe sorting her own life out and she picks today of all days to do it. Me and my bestie were gonna have a chilled evening have a long chat and vape but now that’s not happening and I needed that chat and vape so yes her sister is a fat lazy selfish bitch and she’s only got herself to blame with her health being bad

She could always say no to her sister. That's on her not the sister. Maybe she preferred it to vaping (so good for your health) with you, but didn't feel brave enough to tell you knowing how you'd react.

Yes I had overbearing parents and I grew up with people devaluing me and not accepting me so it made me have bad low self worth.

I think that is going to be at the core of your issue. Low worth = rejection sensitivity for a lot of people.

I needed that chat and vape so yes her sister is a fat lazy selfish bitch and she’s only got herself to blame with her health being bad

Just as your friend’s sister’s needs are her own to meet your needs need to be met by you yourself too. You are projecting here. You are judging your friend’s sister for the very same emotional issues you have yourself.

She vapes as well. Her mum and sister make her do everything

You are also trying to make her do things to satisfy your needs rather than hers, so you are the same as them. What's the difference?

but her fat lazy ass sister demanded she help her with shopping

I'm starting to see why people back off, I knew there had to be something. Try and be a bit kinder, not so judgemental, and probably stop falling in love with friends who are likely not gay and you might get somewhere.

Yes she’s an online friend but she’s the type that if we lived close by we’d be inseparable.

I don’t think that is possible to say-you can’t know what an online friend would be like in person. Inseparable sounds so intense-I have wonderful close friends but am not ‘inseparable’ with any of them-that sounds claustrophobic.

I think maybe your expectations are intense and if the same pattern is being repeated, you are driving people away.

I think very highly of them then they start pulling away (either real or imagined)

I'm not sure what you mean by this OP? can you explain?- if you are imagining them pulling away then surely its a self fulfilling prophecy and you are ruminating about it to the point of it harming yourself.

You are coming across here as very very intense and honestly?- thats quite intimidating for people. I love my friends but if I felt like they NEEDED a reply immediately or that they only had me to lean on it would feel like a huge amount of pressure and thats not a nice feeling in a friendship because it then starts to feel like an obligation rather than something enjoyable.

I suspect you are pushing people away with this need to be so intense with them.

These were my thoughts too.