To want to break up with him even if he wasn't lying

[Lalahola]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half.

He has lied to me a few times. These lies were generally small or inconsequential. He gave me 4 different numbers for his salary. Dropping down each time in small incraments but at the end it became obvious that he was on a considerably lower salary.

He says that he lies as an automatic response because he grew up with an abusive dad who'd beat him up whenever he heard something he didn't like.

My counsellor (that I see for an unrelated reason) told me that my boyfriend was a compulsive liar and he admits that he is.

Last incident, yesterday he told me that he went into the office but he was online on an app he couldn't have been if he were. He phoned me at lunchtime as well and it sounded like he was home. He kept saying things like 'let me go out to grab lunch and come back home - I mean the office' as well.

I asked him if he was at home and he adamantly refused. I'm almost certain he was but can't prove it. Thing is, I'm so sick and tired of not being able to trust him. No idea why he'd lie about this or whatever he's covering but I never had that in my previous relationships. Trust was a given.

On the off chance, perhaps he was in the office but at this point I'm considering breaking up because I can't trust a word he says and can't change a 35 year old man. AIBU?

You don't trust him. It's a huge deal breaker. Plus you can break up for any reason.

Yanbu, you can break up for any reason you want and this sounds like an excellent reason - you can't trust his word

You're right, it doesn't actually matter whether he has lied or not this time. The point is that he has lied so many times in the past that you no longer trust him on anything.

It's time to end it.

You can break up someone for whatever reason you like, is there something in your past that is the reason you don't know that?

I would.

You can’t trust him, you need to end the relationship.

Yes, I’d end it now before getting more entangled in the relationship. Marriage, house, joint finances, and children are a terrible idea if the partner is a compulsive liar and can never be trusted. It would not end well.

I would, but just tell him you're not feeling it anymore <sad face> there is absolutely NO point in getting into the lying/trust stuff.

if it's true about your counsellor then that's really bad, he should not be discussing him with you, in any way.

Nothing in my past. I probably broke up with some exes for reasons less important! I just love him so much and want to hear other opinions before I make a drastic change.

I'm with a liar, and eventually it breaks you as you don't know what is up or down, what is real or fake, whether you can believe he loves you or not. I stayed because I was trapped with children but I really, really shouldn't have. You will be continually gaslit and that is no way to live. He has admitted he will never stop, he can't see WHY he needs to stop, he will never change. Get out while you can.

EDIT - I just love him so much
Love is not enough. It is NEVER enough. A relationship should be built on mutual trust, respect and support. You don't have that.

Tiu can't trust a word the man says. If he said it was raining you'd get your sunglasses on.
What a weird horrible way of being. Definitely get rid. Noone deserves a compulsive liar. He needs therapy himself.

You don't need us to make your mind up - you've decided. Break up.

You’re spot on. You can’t change anyone let alone a 35 year old.
When there is no trust there is no relationship imo. You’d be doing right to let this one go.
Take care and hoping you find a partner who is trustworthy.

In my experience of people who lie compulsively, it’s not been their only issue! It’s seemed to me to be a manifestation of a deeper sense of anxiety over whether other people find them acceptable… maybe shame?

So yeah, I would follow my instincts if I were you! And don’t get bogged down in debates about him promising he will never lie again or that you can check his phone or bank account or whatever

You can’t spend your life with someone you can’t trust. Is this really the man you would choose as the father of your children? Time to move on - and I can assure you, it will be much less painful after 18 months than after marriage and kids.

Well you could either break up with him for lying (that you don't know for sure he has done) or could break up with him because you don't trust him (which you know for sure you don't)

I don't think I could live a life with someone always wondering if they're telling the truth it would be exhausting!

I would break up as you can't trust him and are questioning whether he is telling the truth about something relatively inconsequential like being at home or the office. It kind of becomes more about working out if they're lying than what the actual lie might be about and is a total headfuck. My ex lied about his job role to make himself seem more advanced and a few other seemingly minor things at the start of the relationship, he ended up cheating on me and lying about that too. I could never trust him because I'd seen how easily he could lie about something to meet his own needs, whilst disrespecting mine. He also lied about stuff like whether he had been vaping indoors and would react aggressively and gaslight me into believing he wasn't doing it even when it was blatantly obvious. It was totally impossible to tell what was truth and what was not and I ended up feeling constantly anxious about being lied to.

Call time on this one before you get your life messed up. Liars will drive you crazy.

Thank you. I was mainly wondering the perspective of those who did experience this or has endured it for years. I do find it a bit crazy making. I certainly have become a Sherlock Holmes!

This is no way to live and will only become worse the more the relationship progresses.

Fuck. That.

Why couldn't he have been on an app if he was in the office? And why are you checking what apps he's on??

It sounds like you are not compatible, he is a liar and known for it, and you seem to be questioning him whether he's lying or not. It's not healthy either way.

It's not allowed in the office. He had to be on his personal computer to access it, which is at home!

I wasn't checking at all. I use the app myself and happened to see him online.

Trust is fundamental to a good relationship, so I think you are right to consider breaking up with him. You're obviously concerned enough by your gut instinct to post here.

I'm not sure how a long term relationship could work if you can't have an honest conversation about anything or trust him. I'd be concerned that these little lies become big lies that have far more impact on you further down the road...

Honestly just no!

he is crazy and a fantasist

dump

Depends if you are willing to invest time and emotion in supporting him to overcome his automatic response that was a result of an abusive childhood. Has he lied about anything that has had a significant or negative impact on you or is it everyday things like wfh/office? He is a year and a half in the relationship as well, it might be that he has already made improvements on his compulsive lying. Would you consider going with him to someone who specialises in treating compulsive lying?