To want to break up with him even if he wasn't lying

[Lalahola]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half.

He has lied to me a few times. These lies were generally small or inconsequential. He gave me 4 different numbers for his salary. Dropping down each time in small incraments but at the end it became obvious that he was on a considerably lower salary.

He says that he lies as an automatic response because he grew up with an abusive dad who'd beat him up whenever he heard something he didn't like.

My counsellor (that I see for an unrelated reason) told me that my boyfriend was a compulsive liar and he admits that he is.

Last incident, yesterday he told me that he went into the office but he was online on an app he couldn't have been if he were. He phoned me at lunchtime as well and it sounded like he was home. He kept saying things like 'let me go out to grab lunch and come back home - I mean the office' as well.

I asked him if he was at home and he adamantly refused. I'm almost certain he was but can't prove it. Thing is, I'm so sick and tired of not being able to trust him. No idea why he'd lie about this or whatever he's covering but I never had that in my previous relationships. Trust was a given.

On the off chance, perhaps he was in the office but at this point I'm considering breaking up because I can't trust a word he says and can't change a 35 year old man. AIBU?

This particular incident doesn't really matter in isolation - but I don't see how you'd ever feel happy in a relationship with someone who is a compulsive liar. You can't believe a word he says about anything, even non-consequential stuff.

The fact that he feels the root of his lying is his abusive childhood does not mean that you have to put up with it. I would end the relationship now.

His lies tend to be small but I did catch one significant lie that did have a negative effect on us.

I sat him down and told him that he had no reason to lie to me. I'd never lash out on him physically or emotionally. He promised he'd never lie to me but I genuinely feel like it's deeply ingrained in who he is and cannot help.

He said that he can't afford therapy right now but will start from September.

I really would like him to get help and turn things around but at the same time I feel like it's affecting my own mental health negatively.

I wasted years of my life on a man like this. I wish I’d dumped him the first time I caught him out. In the end I couldn’t trust a single word that came out of his mouth. That’s obviously no basis for a relationship.

My advice is to get out now. It won’t get better. You can wish him well and encourage him to get therapy, but don’t make it your problem anymore. You owe him nothing.

Yeah that's a lot to take on when in reality your "support" is likely to cost you a lot more than it benefits him. He is the main factor in whether he gets this sorted. Your support or otherwise should not really be relevant to his success but you obviously aren't happy, and almost certainly won't enjoy his "journey" either. It isn't your problem to take on.

Yeah, you've found out some little things he has lied about. There might be a whole load of other things that are more serious that he is either already lying about or will lie about in the future.

He is no good. You need to split up with him.

The signs are in big bold flashing neon lights! Dump his lying arse!

Never knowing what’s true or not is terrible for your mental health.

Yes, a dishonest partner will drive you mad, and cn even make you physically ill when it gets bad enough. I've experienced it twice now and had to finish with them. It's awful because if you love them, you want to believe them but you know you can't and as a previous poster said, love is not enough! You have to have trust, reliability and respect as well. Ultimately, if you stay with a lair long enough, the erosion of trust doesn't just drain you and destroy your trust, it destroys your respect for them as well and any love you have for them dies shortly after that!
Don't wait until you're more enmeshed with a liar, with marriage, mortgage and/or children. Get out now whilst you still have your health, sanity and the only thing that will change in your life is he will no longer be a part of it. My life's been seriously impacted by those liars and both times, I've had to repair the damage they have do with little support! Don't be me!

My DD lies she has an eating disorder and lies about what she has eaten, when she ate, how much she ate, she lies about where she has been, whether she has revised for her alevels- the list goes on. I know its a different scenario but after 4 years of this I am struggling to take it anymore- I don’t believe a word she says to me!! Ingrained lying due to psychological issues is exhausting (for those who care), it masks risks and concerns but overall it ruins Trust.

If this was my OH I would leave, I can’t because it’s my DD - but unless he is willing to work this through with a professional now he is not prioritising you or your relationship.

Without trust there is no real relationship

Oh, come on, he's even lying about why he lies to make you not dump him.

He lies because he gets what he wants that way. Whether what he wants is a girlfriend who might not have dated him if she knew he was on NMW and could well just be after a second (better) salary, home, cleaner and shag or he wants the feeling of power over you knowing that he's lying to you and confusing you, it doesn't matter.