Unreliable friend

[Wildmushroom]

I met a friend 3yrs ago at our children’s school. We instantly got on well and became good friends, or so I thought. She constantly blows hot and cold on me, going from one extreme to the other. One minute she will text me throughout the day, we hang out all the time both with and without our children, then out of nowhere she will abruptly disappear for a couple of months, I literally don’t hear a word from her, she doesn’t reply to messages, gets her mum or husband to do the school run, it’s so weird. The first few times this happened I thought I had done something to offend her, because she literally just stopped replying to any messages I sent her, only for her to gaily pop up and say oh sorry been a bit busy doing nothing 😂 (she doesn’t work, her husband works from home and is incredibly hands on, her mum lives 5mins away and also very helpful) I’ve wondered if somethings happened but no, nothing. She’s just super unreliable. I’ve just kind of accepted it as how she is but I’m really pissed off that it was my birthday recently and she made a fuss of saying she was coming round with a gift, wants to wish me a happy birthday on my birthday…..a month later radio silence, not heard from her since.
There’s been lots of times she’s been a lovely friend to me, but so many times she’s let me down or just disappeared. I find this annoying and a sign maybe we aren’t as good friends as I thought?

Or maybe she has a remitting/ relapsing illness. I can’t imagine any other reason for her partner and mother to take over childcare.

Or maybe she has a illness or suffers with mental health?

Not everyone wants everyone to know their business.

I am like this. I go off grid entirely. I wouldn't say I'll be there and not let someone know though. But if I was sick enough I could. I've got loads of awful health conditions that no one could begin to understand.

Either way, I would probably try not get too attached as whatever the reason, it's difficult for you, the communication isn't great and you feel let down.
She could just be really flakey.

I wouldn't regard someone like that as a good friend _ I'd need to be able to trust the friendship a bit more than that - but you could still have a nice time together occasionally.

How tedious. Whatever she’s got going on, you’re clearly not a good enough friend for her to confide in or to be honest about it. The dishonesty would irk me as much as the unreliability. It would be the ‘friendship’ cooling off and at arms length for me.

its totally bizarre. She’s very open with me about very personal aspects of her life so I would imagine if she had a condition she would have said. I’m starting to just feel like a bit of a mug, she picks me up and puts me down when she feels like it and doesn’t see anything wrong with ignoring me/blowing me out. As I said there’s lots of times she’s been a great friend to me but more often she’s been unreliable and I’ve been left wondering whether I’ve done something to upset her. Just don’t think it’s a great way to treat a friend 😵‍💫

Could it be ADHD?

I've accidentally treated people exactly like this in the past and now I limit myself to 2 very good friends because of how I can upset people. This is how I've been towards almost every single relationship I've had with anyone. Family, friends, colleagues, neighbours, school mums...

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s. I like making friends but then find I can't mentally maintain the friendship. The avoidance is always shame for me. Also, lack of object permanence can apply to relationships. It's not that I don't think about people or don't care about them when I don't see them. I just forget I was meant to speak with them if there is no reminder. It's like how today I forgot I'd already bought dinner ingredients and bought them all again. I couldn't see them in the closed fridge so the memory of them just wasn't there. It happens with people too. There are no prompts in my brain to tell me that someone exists. I have a reminder every day at 6am to brush my teeth as I don't form habits. I do nothing out of habit at all. My partner has handed me my medication twice a day for the last 10 years out of love, or I still forget to take it and dismiss reminders. I forget to eat. To sleep. To drink water. I get engrossed in my work or other things and ignore my bodily functions.

I was completely unaware of what ADHD is or that it could an affect an adult woman. I only went to get help with how I am because I found out my mother was told she has it after she left when I was 5, and it can be genetic. Your post could have been about me except for family and work details - which is why I'm suggesting it as a possibility.

I only have friends because I was honest about how I am and they are persistent. They don't get mad when I don't reply because I never found the right moment to give it enough attention. But I'm not allowed to say maybe any more. They want a firm answer from me and make sure to confirm details. If I don't confirm that I'm definitely doing something they assume I won't do it. I try not to make things one sided and I know I'm a pain in the arse, but I'm being serious when I say these amazing people for some reason just want me in their life and I'm so grateful. I don't think many people can put up with it which is understandable.

If she tells you personal things about her life (another ADHD trait), maybe you could talk to her about all of this and she might open up to you. The best thing someone ever did for me when I was avoiding them was to point it out and let me know that they did want to be friends with me but what I was doing was confusing. It enabled me to then say that I wasn't doing it on purpose and be more honest when it was happening. It rips me apart that I've lost so many good friendships with lovely people due to how I am.

I think if YOU were good enough friend, you wouldn’t expect someone to tell you absolutely everything about their life. Part of being a good friend is allowing people their privacy and letting there be space where they feel valued without having to explain themselves.
I am autistic and I had people challenging me in the past about not being a good friend because I don’t initiate contact or not replying to their messages for a few days. Guess what, these people are not my friends. My friends are people who understand that this is how I operate and don’t question it, and know that I value their friendship and appreciate being accepted by them. And they are always happy to see me whether it is once a week or once a year.

This is understandable but the only thing in your story that doesn’t make any sense is her not doing school runs at exactly the same time as she disappears from your life. And that is a strong indicator that she is not coping in some way. You never know, she may have ill mental health and, from experience of working on acute wards and in crisis team, people don’t share this information even with those who are close to them.
Have you actually tried to talking to her about it? Not in accusatory way more like “hey, I noticed XYZ, is everything OK with you. Can I do anything to help”

This has happened so many times, each time I’ve messaged her and said I hope everything is ok, not trying to pry but hope you know I’m always here if you need an ear etc, each time she’s eventually resurfaced she’s said sorry you must think I’m a rubbish friend and there’s been no reason given for why she suddenly goes cold on me. I get the impression she’s lost touch with any other friends she has had in life (always talks about friends in the past tense, “I once had this friend…”) I’m starting to see why.

Also to add, one of my children is autistic so I would have thought she knows I would be very understanding if she had any kind of neurodivergence/MH issue

Of course there's no reason given, she's obviously keeping it private.

She just doesn't want to tell you. Sounds like depression or something to me. Maybe bipolar. Either way she's not 'unreliable' she's clearly unwell in some way. Just be a good friend when she is in touch.

she doesn’t reply to messages, gets her mum or husband to do the school run

If someone else does the school run then sounds like she has something else going on. Maybe she's a secret agent?

I'd agree that something must be going on for her during these times or her hubsmad / mum wouldn't be doing the school run. I can't imaging a situation in a family set up where that person who always does the school run, just says 'you'll be all right picking up the school run for the next 3 weeks won't you Steve, I can't be bothered' and everyone just goes along with it, if there is no reason behind it

It’s not clear whether you’ve ever spoken to her about it?

Yeah I had a friend like that - I don't really bother with people like it anymore, part of being a friend is being in touch, meeting up, replying to messages - if you can't do that and be consistent then I'm not going to do all the running, and we probably wouldn't be friends

If she was such a good friend, she’d have explained the situation.
I bet she’s one of those people that chats on at you but doesn’t ask you much about yourself.

Why can't you be understanding about the fact she obviously has something else going on, without her having to disclose her medical status to you?

Wow, some posters here are really harsh. This happens occasionally with two friends of mine. I know that when they drop of the radar that they are struggling emotionally, even more so than they normally are. Both of them had childhoods from hell. I am always happy to hear from them when they do re-surface. I am also happy they trust me enough that they eventually told me what was going on.

Stuff like this is nothing personal. The person going through this can't help it. But if you can't be supportive and you take their radio silence as some kind of personal affront, then at least do the kind thing and remove yourselves from their lives. They have it hard enough as it is.

Agree with @CraftyGoblin

She sounds exactly like me. I didn’t have any words that could explain why I would “disappear”. It’s not a conscious choice.

Tbh your friend sounds a lot like me (I do have ADHD). I often disappear off the face of the planet for sometimes months as a time. It's nothing to do how I feel about my friends, I love them dearly. But sometimes my "social battery" runs out, and I can't tolerate any sort of communication, it becomes too much.

Luckily for me, my friends understand this. I've always been this way, but never really known why. I always resurface, and we pick up from where we left off. We've been friends for 20+ years.

Those who couldn't accept this, left my life. It's sad, but I can understand why. It probably is annoying for many people.

Honestly - I know 100% she does not have ADHD. It would potentially be outing if I explained why I know she doesn’t but she definitely doesn’t 😂
I genuinely think she just isn’t a great friend or my friendship isnt valued by her, and am kind of at peace with that now, I guess I just wanted to know if it’s
common to have friends that are flakey in this way?

Maybe she works for MI6

You’re her GP?