Meeting new people and not talking about key aspects of my life

[Sparklybutold]

I have lots of trauma and it seems a lot of bad luck. That's not to say I don't have good things going on in my life but there are significant life issues and aspects about who I am that can make for really difficult conversation. I am becoming more aware that when I meet new people and when they start asking questions about me, answering is really hard. At its worst, I've had a 'friend' ask me to stop because as she was learning more about me, it just made her feel sad. This was an incredibly shaming experience.

I can't give exact details as it could be outing, but think a life impacted by death including early parental death, significant trauma, murder, abuse, addiction, various medical diagnoses for myself and children, estrangement from bio family.

So how does one talk about themselves without talking about themselves? I've tried brushing over it, but then it impacts conversation and I am acutely aware that the absence of information creates a difficult atmosphere. My husband has suggested I lie, but I wouldn't do this from both an ethical pov nor would I be able to accurately remember anyway.

My life's experiences have always made me feel on the outside anyway, because I don't have relational experiences. I have a young family, so the normal discussion of grandparents and extended family etc is not something I have experienced, nor is it something I can lean on - the book stops with me.

I find it incredibly shaming, lonely and just sad. My one thing I try and focus on is the focus on ensuring my own kids never experience this, that they know, no matter what, they have me, they are loved and I will love them regardless.

So I'm curious, what would you do? Or do you perhaps relate?

I say very little about my past apart from to very good friends Just direct conversation onto the questioner or change topic.

It depends at what level of the friendship.

I don’t talk about personal details about my family until I know somebody very well. You wouldn’t start a conversation with hello I’m Jane. I’m 35 and my mother was a heroin addict.

(Or whatever )

I think you’re talking to the wrong people: the person who asked you not to talk about it anymore was in the wrong, not you. Please try and not take on shame from that interaction.
You can prepare phrases such as ‘a lot has happened which has been hard but there we go’ / or chuckle and say ‘that’s too much to go into now’ and then move the conversation back to the person you were talking with such as something they’d previously mentioned (an event, child, home Reno etc) or whether they were going to order more cake etc. Or, find solid decent friends. I do suggest therapy with a skilled practitioner to talk these things through and the impact of the events etc.
Sorry you’re going through this

Give us an example of how the conversation goes that you feel you need to impart this level of detail

I concentrate on the here and now. I've had similar in the past and have a life limiting illness. Most people would have no clue, nor are they really asking when they ask how you are. I could answer...I'm dying. I do answer, I'm doing really well at the moment then move onto something positive. I have a permanent NJ so it's obvious I'm not well but I've never been forced to talk about it.

I haven't had that degree of trauma, but I have had things happen that make this kind of conversation difficult, what you said about making things awkward or sad really resonated with me. I will usually state the honest truth but then move the conversation on by saying something like:

"That was a really traumatic time in my life, I'm glad I've been able to move past that and now I'm happy with [husband]."
"It's really sad that [deceased person] is gone, but I'm glad I had them for the time I did".
"I've had some terrible luck in the past but I'm in a good place at the moment, I really enjoy doing xyz, how about you?"

I don't always feel as positive as these sentences suggest but it's a compromise between honesty and not wanting to drag everyone down.

I agree with PP that the person who asked you to stop talking wasn't particularly kind or sensitive about your circumstances.

But I also don't think you need to go into lots of detail initially. It can be as simple as 'I don't have any family' or 'both my parents passed away when I was young'. Leave it as that and don't elaborate. Then as you get to know people better, you can tell them more if you want to. You can also say 'I prefer not to talk about that'.

I lost a family member in difficult circumstances and I just describe it as they were there but they have now passed away. I don't elaborate on it beyond that and TBH very few people even ask.

”It’s a long story, I won’t go into it” phrased as if you’re doing them a favour.

I can relate to this. The balance between being honest whilst treading carefully is a difficult one. This within itself is tiring and shame inducing because you remain mindful of not saying something that will be hard to hear. There is rarely an everyday conversation where personal experience discussions about rape, murder, abuse etc would ever be reasonable. So it remains unspoken about - you carry it. Sometimes it's manageable and other times I just want to say no I don't want this, so then I start spiralling and my thoughts can get dark because within this rumination, it offers some solution as a way to not think about it anymore.

I have had therapy a lot of it, which has helped, but the memories don't go, don't lessen as such, you just learn to carry it better? Part of this does involve a burden to be mindful of what I say, so as not to overburden the recipient.

It is a real shame that other people's reactions to our experiences makes it difficult for us to talk about them.

I have realised after going through a bad patch of mental health just before and during Covid, that I don't talk openly about my mother's death when I was a child at all. I remember when I used to tell people they would feel bad or awkward, or be very apologetic about upsetting me and change the subject. I think that probably put me off from talking about it since then, but I've realised that it's an important part of my life. Although it doesn't define me, I've realised that I ought to tell people once I've got to know them a little. I still haven't found the best way to mention it though, as you say, without getting into a long conversation and bringing down the mood.

I think there is probably a knack to getting the basic details out, enough so they get a picture of how it could have affected you but without having to go over it all again. I hope you find a way x

Think everyday getting to know someone...

So where are you from? Why did you move? Do you live close to family? All of these questions are synonymous with a lot of pain. most of the time I redirect (I am very good at this and it has meant I am good at my job), but sometimes when my resilience is less, or I have had lots of 'hits' treading that careful balance between honesty and shifting the conversation gets harder.

I have been through a lot of trauma I just don't talk about myself, I let other people lead the conversation otherwise people get bored to death.

How about “Ah my family - it’s complicated! A conversation for another time.” That’s truthful and can be as light or serious in tone as you feel ok with.

Sorry you had such a hard time ❤️ Well done for healing your family line, that’s huge.

But how do you make someone a close friend without them knowing your past before you tell them?

genuine question as I have similar challenges to OP

Those are quite probing questions people are asking you! Anyone asking for that much detail should maybe expect to get detail they didn't expect! In other words, it's them not you. For example, I have colleagues I am close to. I have no clue why they moved away from home, or even where home is, because why would I ask that stuff? We talk about work and kids, and the usual stuff like football or the weather, but I don't ask probing questions of people. If they want to tell me, that should be their choice.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much

To be fair this is a tact I do use. I think today, I'm feeling a little more fragile, especially as I met someone new today and the 'getting to know each other' was hard. Her family - live close by, very close by, lots of support...

Something I would suggest is to be exceedingly open about mundane personal things. I find I share so much stuff (that I consider trivial) no one seems to think I might have deeper darker stuff I'm not sharing.

hi
Not had quite the same extent as you but some very tricky things which do come up early in the ‘getting to know you’ phase.

To be honest I tend to decide pretty quickly how much I like someone and whether they are likely to be a friend or acquaintance. If I really like them I tell them. If not, I gloss over and move on. Would that work for you?

Just flip it back, people love talking about themselves

Getting triggered by questions themselves I can’t help with except that if you know you have practiced answers it might be easier. You could even write them down.

questions about family - oh we aren’t close. One for another day. (Then deflect with a question about the other person).

question about where you’re from - oh all over. Or (the place), (then move on)

do you still have family there? - no, no links any more (deflect deflect deflect).

i have a mate who had a very terrible upbringing and uses similar tactics. We were pretty close before she told me anything and i realised she’d always deflected like mad without directly lying.

I hear you @Sparklybutold Sorry you’re feeling fragile today. It must be hard when someone is outlining their positive experience with family. It’s not fair. I’m glad you have happiness with your own lovely DC and DH 💐

I think I am a bit too open at times and overshare, esp if drinking!
I would say however my boyfriend of a year a few years back was spectacularly uninterested in me and literally asked nothing about my life. It was odd after we split that he knew nothing about my broken home and huge life events experienced when growing up, that usually come out within a few weeks of knowing someone.

I think it showed me that I can be gatekeeper to these if they don't ask, and if I am busy asking about them, for example. I could tell you his childhood dog's name and his favourite toy so perhaps see it as a cue to switch focus and ask them some bits and just chip in with "me too" now and then if you can or try to brush off with "my family was complicated and very tricky, maybe let's go there another time" and just talk about bits that are relevant if they come up? It's unlikely most people will have had the same experiences, but if you are the one asking at least you can add in "me too!" if you have rather than realise they're now looking at you like you've got 2 heads!

FWIW I always get told I have turned out very normal, all things considered, which I always struggle to know how to take. I think I am happy with it but sometimes it can feel like people think I am putting a mask on things and don't trust me? I've had to just get over that. Some people don't like trauma and distance themselves quickly, which I have also recognised as more of a "them" thing (sometimes they don't want to relive something or be reminded of stuff but can be for many reasons).

I think that most people have areas of their past that are hurtful / difficult to talk about - some of us have more than others.

I think you need to match the level of detail with the level of intimacy in the relationship. And you need to be mindful that anything sensitive that you say may be triggering for the other person.

I deal with this like most PP here - I have polite non answers that in our culture indicate to the questioner that we don’t want to talk about it. That’s the social rule and if anyone ignores it, they are the one who is being intrusive / blunt and it’s fine to be more direct “ Thank you for asking but I’d rather not talk about it . So tell me, what are your hobbies ? Or other safe question.

I realise that some people from other cultures ( or who are ND ) may not pick this up, so a polite, direct comment is ok for them too.

I think those of us who have been through a lot of loss need to be mindful of our own well being and carefully guard who we tell and when. It’s not fair on anyone to “ trauma dump”, we need to be wise and kind.

Some things are just too sensitive and need to be discussed with therapists / counsellor and perhaps only in more general terms with our very closest loved ones.

Sadly, things like rape / sexual assault are very common and you don’t know what has happened to others. So it’s unfair to start telling you new work colleague about how you hate John in accounts because he reminds you of an ex you had when you were 18 who did X in bed.

When for all your know, she was sexually abused by her Uncle John from the aged of 8-12 and when she told her mother about it, she put her into care.

That’s not to minimise your trauma from your creepy ex who assaulted you. But just to say that you need to disclose things to the right person at the right time.

I've done this successfully and not so successfully.