Meeting new people and not talking about key aspects of my life

[Sparklybutold]

I have lots of trauma and it seems a lot of bad luck. That's not to say I don't have good things going on in my life but there are significant life issues and aspects about who I am that can make for really difficult conversation. I am becoming more aware that when I meet new people and when they start asking questions about me, answering is really hard. At its worst, I've had a 'friend' ask me to stop because as she was learning more about me, it just made her feel sad. This was an incredibly shaming experience.

I can't give exact details as it could be outing, but think a life impacted by death including early parental death, significant trauma, murder, abuse, addiction, various medical diagnoses for myself and children, estrangement from bio family.

So how does one talk about themselves without talking about themselves? I've tried brushing over it, but then it impacts conversation and I am acutely aware that the absence of information creates a difficult atmosphere. My husband has suggested I lie, but I wouldn't do this from both an ethical pov nor would I be able to accurately remember anyway.

My life's experiences have always made me feel on the outside anyway, because I don't have relational experiences. I have a young family, so the normal discussion of grandparents and extended family etc is not something I have experienced, nor is it something I can lean on - the book stops with me.

I find it incredibly shaming, lonely and just sad. My one thing I try and focus on is the focus on ensuring my own kids never experience this, that they know, no matter what, they have me, they are loved and I will love them regardless.

So I'm curious, what would you do? Or do you perhaps relate?

I think you are overthinking a bit the level of details people expect from you. They don’t want so many. You need to prepare in advance not too deep answers and produce them . E.g “I’m from Yorkshire but moved to London long time ago. What about you? / Do you live here for long? / I’ve heard you are from Devon aren’t you?” etc etc
If people are talking about their experiences and relationships with Dads of course I never tell them about my difficult childhood and that my dad was alcoholic. If asked directly I would say: I wasn’t very close to my Dad.
The secret is to tell it in a certain tone which hints “ the end”.
We moved from where I was born to a different end of the country as my mum was unwell, dad was drinking and lost his job so there were a lot of problems. However if asked I would say : oh yes, parents moved for work when I was very young.
My point is that if any questions are triggering for you it’s one problem but how to answer them is another. And you can easily tackle the latter with some preparation.

I was told that people like to talk about themselves, and that you have 2 ears 2 eyes & 1 mouth so try and use them in that proportion. Also that if you ask open ended questions (ones that cannot be answered with just a yes or no eg beginning with who, what where when why how etc this makes them HAVE to talk, and once they do you are in control of the conversation and can steer it anyway you want. So I would bat back any questions about 'me' eg 'did you grow up round here? with just a 'Yes I did' but then throw in 'how about you, where are you from? Once you've got the other person talking, you simply carry on taking control of the conversation with the open ended questions and let them talk....till you are bored and then you ask ''Now where do you think we can get a refill/more food' and wander off to the kitchen.

I have tried and used a lot of what's been spoken about here. I guess what I'm realising and talking about here is how tiring this can be. It is very difficult to live a retracted version of yourself and spend the majority of your time to just deflecting.

My parents died when I was young and we have no contact with my in-laws, so no grandparents. I just say we have no family support when people ask about family. It’s usually related to toddler DS, so that makes sense. If we get closer, I’ll mention that my parents are dead at a relevant time so it’s not a big secret, but I don’t introduce myself with that fact. It’s not a defining feature of me and it makes people feel quite sad/awkward so it’s not a first chat type conversation.

It can be tiring to feel you’re locking away aspects of you that you do consider defining, though, and I’m sorry that’s often the case for you. It must be really hard.

I think you've hit on something here. We have had 2 major genetic diagnoses the past few years (one just starting in the confirmation stage) and this understandably provokes questions about my heritage and it is a stark reminder that I have no one I can go to and ask further (very relevant) questions. Embarking on my own medical
Journey is nothing as made comparable to now starting with the kids. It's lonely and very scary.

I have two friends (no crossover). Both of them lost a parent in the most unimaginable circumstances. Both took their time to get to know me and develop a real friendship with me, before they told me their stories. It’s important you feel In Control of your personal story and only share details when you feel really comfortable doing so.

I find it increasingly easy to not go into areas of my life that I don’t want to as I get older. Asking them questions about themselves works well and it keeps certain people at bay. There are some people I work with who I know vast streams of detail about their family and lives yet I don’t think they could even name my children! I’m quite happy with that. I’m quite private really outside of my close friends and quite happy to be told I’m a good listener ;)

Another tack is, ‘oh, I won’t go there-it’s very long and convoluted!’. Obviously I would ‘go there’ with friends, but in my own time.

Maybe look at the Onion Theory of communication...even people I have known for decades don't know about various aspects of my life, never will.

You don't need to tell anyone anything, just keep it superficial.

I think I struggle with the superficial. I'd rather not say anything at all. This then only adds to the loneliness.

Everyone presents a redacted version of themselves, it’s just a matter of degree. Do you really believe that everyone telling you about their happy families isn’t hiding something? A cheating husband, an alcoholic parent, their own eating disorder, a troubled teen.

We all have dirty washing that we don’t show in public.

I say this kindly - you are thinking of this is very black and white terms

“ I am the only one dealing with a difficulty family background and not telling everyone everything because I’m too ashamed and it’s tiring and difficulty and I spent most of the time deflecting. Whereas everyone else has a perfect family and they live a perfect life with no problems so they tell everyone everything all the time. So I am alone in my struggles “.

If you think like this you WILL feel lonely and scared and that all social contact is difficult, because you are the weird person and everyone else is normal .

But it’s really not like that. Everyone has their dark family secrets - some more that others but it’s all on a continuum. You might be hiding more than the average person but you will also be hiding less than some others .

Im not saying this to minimise what you have been through, it’s good that you’ve not given us details here so we are all talking in a general way. I’m trying to get you to see that you are not alone - we all do this , we all have thinhs we are ashamed of and traumatised by. You only have to spent a few hours on MN to see that behind the facade there are women dealing with severe abuse from their partners, poverty, homelessness, mental health problems , addiction, life threatening illness.

You can’t change your past but I wonder if you would be helped by some more or a different type or therapy such as EMDR or CBT or counselling . Have you ever read about or had treatment for complex PTSD? Joining a self help group can make people feel less alone, as they talk with others who understand.

Do you think it’s possible that you are clinically depressed and would benefit from seeing your Gp and getting some medication ?

What comes over most from your post is that you are very lonely and scared. My heart goes out to you , I’m so sorry you feel like this and I hope you can find a way forward into happiness and contentment.

When I say superficial I don't mean meaningless.

If asked why I moved to France I'll say it was due to wanting a new challenge, having the means and opportunity and finding a house that we loved that we bought online during COVID.

I won't say any negative things about why I decided to go, just positives.

If asked about family, I'll say that my nieces are doing x, my step daughter is doing y and various other people are doing z. I'll not say anything bad about them, or go into aspects of my history or other issues, I spin it back to the positive.

The thing is that nobody really wants to know the bad stuff, they are being pleasant to facilitate getting to know you. It will put people off if you launch into bad stuff too soon. Save that for much later, if ever.

If there is so much bad stuff that you can't hold a surface level conversation about the weather or when the bus is due or the cost of baked beans these days, or what your crazy cat did this morning, then I you might seriously need professional help. Surface level interactions are how we start to make friends.

Thankyou for everyone who took the time to reply. All comments were food for thought. Thankyou for your support and insights.

Today I went out again with a new interaction and was alot more mindful of what I shared keeping the conversation light.

Yesterday was a particularly hard and lonely day, I guess all I can do is take each day at a time. I've recently relocated to another country so having to start again. I will say however I think I've found somewhere with people I could build something with.

Deflecting is a good tactic with new people. Turn the conversation to them. Most (presumably less traumatised) people LOVE to talk about themselves.
Share what you want to share, with people you trust. And never feel embarrassed by your experiences (although I do, constantly, think I should have overcome my childhood difficulties by now).
Well done for forging a positive path with your family. It's not easy.

It can be exhausting to be sharing ‘big’ things all the time- save it for people you know well.
I have found myself comforting people over things that have happened to me because they feel bad in my behalf! That takes energy…