To find DH behaviour unacceptable.

[MarciaMarcia]

DH went to get groceries and didn't take a key. I was in bed due to a chronic illness. I've had trouble breathing recently and need to take it easy. I had to go and answer the door down one flight of stairs. I simply said 'could you please take a key next time' and instead of just saying yes sorry for getting you up as I know it's particularity difficult at the moment, he started saying that all that comes out of my mouth is negative, that I should be thankful he went shopping etc etc. I think he is depressed ( long story ) as he takes everything in a negative way. I didn't even ask him to go shopping. What on earth do I do? This is not a one off shall we say. It's a daily occurrence

Is he correct, that you are negative (understandable if you are unwell) ? If he is depressed is he getting help. It sounds like you are both having a tough time and are grouchy with each other.

I think it depends how it was said, and how things are in general. I think something like that can come across as quite passive aggressive and could be taken the wrong way if he feels he is constantly being picked at, or if he feels he is doing a lot and still being criticised for the one thing he didn’t do? If this is something that keeps cropping up it might be worth having a proper sit down chat and seeing if you can communicate with each other better/differently?

Both are not unreasonable, he’s human, his wife is ill and he’s doing his best to help where he can.

He's suffering burn out from caring for you.... hes correct tbh you need to show more appreciation. He's clearly not happy in himself and I'm sure you arnt in a great place also but he's doing alot around the house and shopping etc? Presumably?

I would seriously consider getting ss in for home help because he needs a break

He has issues with alcohol and mental health issues. And he has just lost his job. ( A recurring feature) He has low self esteem and lots else going on. I literally have been breathless so walking up the stairs is a big deal.

Like others have said, it depends on how you said it because I’d take this as passive aggressive and unhelpful especially if I’ve just been and done a shop. Think you are both having a rough time and there’s friction between you because of it - go easy.

He isn't suffering burn out at all. Despite being ill, I do the majority of childcare and looking after everything.

All I said is could you please take a key next time - as I can barely climb stairs

He doesn't do a lot round the house.

You’re clearly both in a tough situation OP so you need to give each other some grace here. He hasn’t done anything “unacceptable”, he went and did a shop without his house key, and if everything you’ve said is true about recently losing his job, low self esteem etc, I can totally see why when he came back from doing the shop and was criticised again for the one thing he hadn’t done he was upset about it, I would have been as well

It's not because of the key it's because I've been very ill breathless and need to keep exertion to a minimum

I was in bed with exhaustion related to my illness

What on earth???

What normal person goes out without a house key when they know the person left in is ill??? That is extremely thoughtless behaviour.

He needs to stop drinking and get some counselling, if he's useless around the house, he's probably pissed off that he's having to step up.

I don't think what you said was negative or passive aggressive. Negative is moaning about how you had to get out if bed or that he always forgets keys etc. Passive aggressive is not saying what you mean, dressing something up as being ok but hiding anger behind the statement. Just asking someone to do one little thing next time is OK. As long as youre generally acknowledging that he does more stuff. Like thanks for going shopping but please could you make sure you take your key next time

If you can genuinely say you’ve never made a single simple mistake/oversight in your life then you must be pretty perfect!

I can easily see where my husband or I would be preoccupied getting sorted to go and do the food shop and do this.

How are you doing so much when you can't climb the stairs? And if he has issues with alcohol should he be around the kids?

Also If he was out and you were in bed were the kids in school or something?

I don't know why pp are being so unsympathetic to you OP. You aren't well and you are struggling physically. I never leave the house without a key, even if someone is at home when I leave. I dont think it's unreasonable to ask him to remember the key next time because it's difficult for you to go down and let him in.

I understand it's also a difficult time for your DH with his personal problems and also coping with your ill health. Perhaps having a talk with him about him being more aware of your physical limitations and helping out accordingly and you listening to how he is feeling might help the situation.

Whilst it may seem unkind they clearly need support. He's got alcohol issues and is living with kids, she's got severe illness which means she can't do a flight of stairs and is spending alot of time in bed, whilst they are presumably left with the parent with alcohol issues.

She needs to get some help in for all their sakes.

Is he though?

Well fair enough. But why is it solely down to her to sort things out? Why is it always the woman? Discussing the situation and deciding a joint course of action : yes. But why should all the responsibility be hers? They are supposed to be a partnership.

Of course it's not solely down to her but this isn’t about who should and shouldn't do something. The kids come first... they need help, desperately.

I'm sure she's terrified poor OP that they will be taken away or something which I can totally understand but i dont think they will be, ss arnt monsters they will help her DH with his problems and get some help for her if she needs it, maybe they could help her get a move with no stairs if her condition is chronic.

Either way her situation seems pretty desperate tbh and I hope things get better for all of them very soon.

DH doesn't live with us due to his mental health and alcohol issues. It's very complex. He comes over daily to help put but often doesn't do much at all and then gets angry if I ask him to get off his phone. He came here at 5pm. I asked him to get dinner stuff, but then he says he needs to go get stuff . So I'm left with two children whilst he goes to the supermarket for an hour and possibly a drink, the doesn't take a key and I have to get up. It took me an hour to do the school run thos morning in what is a ten minute each way walk so yes having to answer the door multiple times is difficult.