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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DH behaviour unacceptable.

49 replies

MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 19:29

DH went to get groceries and didn't take a key. I was in bed due to a chronic illness. I've had trouble breathing recently and need to take it easy. I had to go and answer the door down one flight of stairs. I simply said 'could you please take a key next time' and instead of just saying yes sorry for getting you up as I know it's particularity difficult at the moment, he started saying that all that comes out of my mouth is negative, that I should be thankful he went shopping etc etc. I think he is depressed ( long story ) as he takes everything in a negative way. I didn't even ask him to go shopping. What on earth do I do? This is not a one off shall we say. It's a daily occurrence

OP posts:
Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 20:06

He goes and shops and always heads out for something and I'm left here cause it's easy looking after children isn't it ? They LL be fine he says until they kick off 5 minutes after he leaves.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 20:08

Coldsore why that was mean. I didn't choose to have a chronic illness and I am desperate to get back to work.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 17/06/2024 20:09

MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 20:05

DH doesn't live with us due to his mental health and alcohol issues. It's very complex. He comes over daily to help put but often doesn't do much at all and then gets angry if I ask him to get off his phone. He came here at 5pm. I asked him to get dinner stuff, but then he says he needs to go get stuff . So I'm left with two children whilst he goes to the supermarket for an hour and possibly a drink, the doesn't take a key and I have to get up. It took me an hour to do the school run thos morning in what is a ten minute each way walk so yes having to answer the door multiple times is difficult.

Change the locks when he's out. It doesn't sound like he's being that much of a help to you.

My mother had chronic asthma but my dad was much more considerate and helpful.

Mummy2024 · 17/06/2024 20:10

MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 20:05

DH doesn't live with us due to his mental health and alcohol issues. It's very complex. He comes over daily to help put but often doesn't do much at all and then gets angry if I ask him to get off his phone. He came here at 5pm. I asked him to get dinner stuff, but then he says he needs to go get stuff . So I'm left with two children whilst he goes to the supermarket for an hour and possibly a drink, the doesn't take a key and I have to get up. It took me an hour to do the school run thos morning in what is a ten minute each way walk so yes having to answer the door multiple times is difficult.

Ok OP, I'm glad he doesn't live with you, there's things you can do for help getting the kids to school like transport and you should ask for a move to somewhere with no stairs people with health problems are prioritised the only people above them are the homeless.

I think he's just in a bad place you both are, your doing your best, just take it easy on yourselves and I really hope he beats the alcohol issues.

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 20:14

Thanks for the advice. Not sure of the assumption of being in a council house ( asking for a move) . Hmmm that is not the case? Or kids being taken away?? Lots of assumptions being made that are very far from the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 20:15

Thanks though we are just both in bad places.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 20:17

Agnes. What did your dad do?
I have no emotional al support as he's too wound up in his own pain. He just thinks the world is all against him so the slightest comment from the children or me asking for a key triggers him to think that everyone is so negative , when it is just the way he sees the world. As he is depressed .

OP posts:
TruthorDie · 17/06/2024 20:20

I don’t think this its complex at all. He’s a lazy piss taker who dips in and out of family life. Indulging himself and moaning at every turn. So no you’re not being unreasonable. Sounds like you need to give him a world of understanding but he won’t give you much

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 20:23

A large part of your last message he just sent.... It's all about him.....

................

And I have no interest in being there if you are going to continue treating me as no more than the hired help.

I understand you are not well and I have been there every time you haven't been which has been a lot of the time. I wouldnt come over just to be criticised if I didn't care.

I have to take on everyone's pressure. Who is there to take a little pressure off me. No one. Just suck it up and do more.

Don't you think I'm might be going through things myself? I don't have a job. I am extremely panicked by it but all I get is ' Think about me. Do everything for me. You don't care about me' even though I'm there every day.

Who is here for me!!

No one.

Just buck up little camper and don't say a word.

OP posts:
Smittenkitchen · 17/06/2024 20:42

That message is just horrendous and makes me think about the huge percentage of men who jump ship when their partners become seriously chronically ill. Absolutely pathetic.

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 21:00

He has been this way long before my illness

OP posts:
ButtonsB · 17/06/2024 21:23

He sounds like a self absorbed loser.
Mind yourself OP.
Try and do without his coming over.
He sounds like hard work.

Opinionwontchangeluv · 17/06/2024 21:48

Get a key safe and leave it outside so this doesn't happen again. You both are in bad positions mentally so you would be annoying each other but try stay positive

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 21:59

He is a nice guy but totally lost to addiction and mental health issues. He thinks I'm.the problem .

OP posts:
pandasorous · 17/06/2024 23:14

MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 21:59

He is a nice guy but totally lost to addiction and mental health issues. He thinks I'm.the problem .

why are you with an addict? why are you letting an near your kids?

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 23:37

Psmdo he does not drink a lot of the time. He works full time. It's not quite as you say.

OP posts:
Mummy2024 · 18/06/2024 00:33

MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 20:14

Thanks for the advice. Not sure of the assumption of being in a council house ( asking for a move) . Hmmm that is not the case? Or kids being taken away?? Lots of assumptions being made that are very far from the situation.

I didn't suggest they would be taken away. I said do not be feared of it and request help if you need it. You said you were left with 2 kids whilst he went shopping and you then said you were in bed.

Regardless of whether you are in a council house or not, you could be entitled to be housed in a suitable property (by the council). I presume if you can't walk down stairs or up them that your not able to work, so house ownership won't be an option. I don't think it's far fetched to think that? All I've done is try to help. You've described a very difficult living situation for all of you your partner included.

Mummy2024 · 18/06/2024 00:35

MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 23:37

Psmdo he does not drink a lot of the time. He works full time. It's not quite as you say.

In the post above you said he's totally lost to addiction. Then you say he doesn't drink alot of the time, which is it? It's not what we say it's what you say... your the one calling him a person lost to addiction a drinker etc

Mummy2024 · 18/06/2024 00:43

MarciaMarcia · 17/06/2024 21:00

He has been this way long before my illness

And by the way what he's written in his message says exactly what I said. He's got carers burnout. He's taking all the pressure trying to work (when he had the job) and look after you and the kids while your ill and he feels there's no one there for him. The message isn't disgusting at all he's just describing how he feels.

WhappleBee · 18/06/2024 00:52

I don’t think that anyone can really say who is being unreasonable based on this one situation. I’m disabled and my partner is my carer technically. In reality, we’re a team that plays to our strengths. I do a lot more housework but he works more hours and cooks/shops (as I struggle most with those). Occasionally I’ll say something after he’s done a thoughtless thing like left his key at home and I know it’s passive aggressive and we end up a bit miffed at each other. But after we talk it out and it’s fine.

Physically he has to support me more but then emotionally, I feel we are equally supportive!

idk, sounds like the issue is maybe deeper than this situation and perhaps some counselling for you both is needed to explore it further?

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 18/06/2024 07:28

He doesn't have carers burnout. This is a new illness ie diagnosed in November and despite this I still do the lions share of childcare, school drop offs as he doesn't live in the house and just isn't here, so there is no choice.
Yes he has his own deep issues linked to a disability which he's never mentally death with. And right now , although not drinking much, has alcohol issues. He needs to deal with the trauma behind the alcohol. It's been going on for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 18/06/2024 08:51

The issue is far deeper than this for him. But I'm.the brunt of these reactions. He has things he needs to work through and to be fully sober always. Only then can things get better.

OP posts:
LetItGoHome · 18/06/2024 14:06

It doesn't sound like either of you are happy in this relationship? Doesn't seem to have much love from how you speak about one another.
What are the good things you like about each other?

Original poster
MarciaMarcia · 18/06/2024 17:22

There is a lot of lovr just unfortunately addiction ruins relationships. When he is calm it's all good. When he is angry it's a nightmare.

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