Would ths have confudsed you , Ds angry at me

[HowMuchShouldBePaid]

A few weeks ago, as a very special treat , I took DS(21) out for a meal for his 21st at a very smart restaurant.

There were lots of waiting staff and our water gasses were refilled ( with quite the flourish !) as soon as we had taken more than few sips.

We didn't order any drinks form the menu, TBH I could only cover the meal and not any "extras" .

A few days ago DS says

"If I had bought my own juice would they have kept refilling it ?"

I was confused by this, initially thinking " what ? bring squash so you could add it to the water" , but just generally a bit perplexed as to what he meant.

This was not a restaurant that sold " juice" ( whatever it was he actually meant by that)

I must have looked confused as DS was quite angry saying "WHAT don't you understand !"

He does have difficulty with making putting what he wants across and I try very hard to understand him, but he can be incredibly obtuse at times.

Would you have been confused by what he said ?

What he actually meant was , If he had ordered a drink from the menu would that drink have been refilled over and over , as was the case with the water.

@HowMuchShouldBePaid he should have said ‘are all the other soft drinks bottomless’ or something similar.

The obvious answer is no it wouldn't have had unlimited refills he'd have had to have kept ordering more drinks.

My follow up question to him would have been "So what? What is your point?"

I think he's learnt his confusing phrasing directly from you.
You say "if I ask to clarify" which means if you ask if you yourself can clarify something (to him). But in that sentence you clearly mean to say "if I ask him to clarify".

You're making basic grammatically errors that make what you're saying confusing and mean something other than what you mean to say, but you are saying he doesn't phrase things clearly. He apparat's to have learnt it from you.

Sorry, there are a couple of typos in what I wrote as well! But that's a typing issue. I don't speak like that.

You should try to be careful about how you phrase things. Try to construct shorter sentences that are clear and simple. Then hopefully he will follow suit. As he's 21 though it probably won't make difference at this point to how he speaks, but at least it may make it easier for him to understand you, which should make communication flow a bit more smoothly.

if he’s not used to eating out and watches lots of American tv/social media he might have been asking if soft drinks were bottomless like they often are in American chain restaurants. Sounds like a misunderstanding all round.

He was rude to you, which is wrong. Even if what he said was perfectly clear

It is a confusing question (if serious). Because firstly obviously not. And secondly Juice is a bit of an odd drink to pick, coupled with 'bought his own' its just all an odd way of phrasing what he was trying to say. If someone said that to me I would have to think for a minute what they meant

It's easy to say it's clear written down, especially when OP says what he means at the end but I think I would need to think about what it meant if asked

Does he always get the blame? If he hadn’t done this, if he hadn’t done that…

I wonder if you have all decided he’s the confusing one and now just don’t even attempt to understand and just give him a confused look? I can see why he gets annoyed if that’s the role he’s been given in the family.

I would also have picked a slightly less expensive restaurant in order to be able to buy him a drink.

He’s just asking a question.

Brought and bought can sound similar in some accents. They do in mine and it makes it confusing as fuck to remember which is which.

His question seems clear enough to me. "If I'd picked a soft drink off the menu would they hve kept topping it up?" Juice can be used to mean all soft drinks and since you don't drink alcohol anyway, of course he meant soft drinks.

Its also not a stupid question if you've been to chain restaurants like Harvester and Beefeater which do offer free drinks refills (and something the wait staff do come and ask if you want a top up) and you've never been to a posh restaurant before. If cheap places can do refills and this post place refills your water the moment you drink from it then of course one might wonder if they'd come over and bring a fresh glass of Pepsi if it was half empty or bring a jug of orange juice over or something.

If you have a habit of pulling a kind of "Huh?" face when he's asking questions then it's probably grating on him. My mum does it all the time and I snap sometimes because I've been clear, at least in my head, and she's just staring at me like I've spoken Martian. I was going to ask if you misunderstood him a lot when I started reading because I could sympathise with him and then I saw you say about it.

Also, don't pick such a fancy restaurant to eat at if you can't even afford a drink! A drink isn't an extra and I'm guessing he did want a drink (maybe a soft drink, maybe as it wad a birthday meal he wanted an alcoholic drink as a treat) but you'd made it clear he couldn't so he already felt a bit off.

@Meraas I thought he was complaining that she hadn't covered the drinks he wanted and that he wished he'd been able to just pay for the drinks he wanted.

I am like this too - awaiting diagnosis

It is so frustrating and coincidentally my mum also seems to be my trigger
She gets me flustered by not understanding and asks questions WHEN I'm speaking which gets me muddled and close to tears, shuts me down and I clam up

Did he know he was just going to get a glass of tap water before going to fancy restaurant? I think I’d have been pretty pissed off if I’d been taken out and wasn’t even allowed a coke let alone a glass of wine/beer.

Question is odd but you both sound a little odd to be honest!

Surely the answer is 'drinks that are purchased are not re filled free of charge'

I don't see why you found his question confusing. It wasn't confusing

I was confused by "my own" part. I thought the same as you did, that he meant bring his own squash! I see, so he was asking is everything refillable? In that case I'd explain that an ordered bottle of wine would be topped up similarly, but not any other drinks. Other drinks are drank before they ask if you'd like another one, and it's added to the bill.

Thank you for all your responses. I think it is , in part , a difficulty in communication between us both.
I will try to be clearer in my responses to him and give him more space to explain himself.

What did he actually mean though? It doesn't seem clear

(In USA they do refill soft drinks up multiple times)

This thread is peak Mumsnet.

Of course “smart” restaurants do juice. And bars. And hotels. My alcoholic drink of choice is a vodka and cranberry juice. Why is everyone so perplexed at this?

It was silly of him to expect any drink of his choice would be topper up, but that just implies he’s never been to a restaurant with that level of service before.

juice to me also means squash type drinks?

When I read the OP I was mislead by the 'my own' part of DS's question. To me that would have implied him bringing his own juice from home for them to top up (admittedly I skipped over the bought/brought distinction but even if I had noticed he'd said BOUGHT I still would have thought he meant juice that he'd bought earlier in the day eg from a supermarket or something and given to the waiter to top up his glass throughout the evening)

Having now read through the replies I can see that it makes perfect sense that he could have meant 'bought a juice [or other soft drink depending on local dialect] with my own money from the menu' and would they continue to top up his glass with that as in the style of bottomless refills from eg Harvester (not the done thing in 'posh' restaurants but sure, if he's never been to one before how would he know and hence the question?)

Fwiw I am ND (diagnosed with ADHD last year) strongly suspect I was brought up by ND parents (ADHD and ASD but not confirmed/diagnosed) and often find myself coming undone with 'quirks' like this where one meaning is 'obvious' to everyone else and I seem to have taken the more circuitous route! It did however prove very helpful for the Lit modules of my English degree

OP it can be exhausting always being 'wrong' in conversation and I admit to not always being the most patient with my own mother when she decides that I'm incomprehensible once again rather than coming from a different angle to her. I don't live with you so I don't know how you react and I don't know how your son does either. But perhaps the split of opinion on here is worth taking on board and being kind to both your son and yourself in future interactions (that sounds horribly patronising, sorry, I think I'm trying to say give each other more grace because you can both be right?!)

I would have been confused too and wondered why he’d be bringing juice from home.

I have seem bottomless soda drinks in some places but never fruit juice (unless-cordials)

Why though? He never said he was bring juice from home. Nothing in the OP indicates that he wanted to do anything other than buy some juice.

He said" brought my own"

I assumed brought meant bring to the restaurant and my own meant similar -something I already have.

No, he said bought, not brought. That's the point.

I don't see anything confusing in his question at all. I would have just answered "no, they only do that with tap water or a bottle of wine if you've ordered the whole bottle so you're paying for it."

Even with the bought/brought confusion - I'd have replied it was unlikely they'd allow outside drinks to be consumed in their restaurant and unless it states unlimited on menu - and bar harvester soft drinks they tend not to - no they wouldn't constantly refill like they do the tap water.

My kids have asked similar questions at younger ages - and the above makes them aware of most situations with establishments and drinks.