AIBU for not coming to my kid’s school play?

[PinkPavlova]

My kid is 9, and she’s having her first school play this year. However, I am away on a work trip when her plays are taking place. Both the grandparents, aunties and uncles and nephews and nieces are watching, but she’s still mad and says it’s not enough. My husband is also watching, but apparently she needs me there and won’t now talk to me and is in a real sulk. I feel so bad but I HAVE to go on this trip, it’s a really important business deal I’ve agreed to make.

This kind of conflict does happen sometimes. It is unfortunate when a parent has to miss something like this for work travel, but parents don’t always have control over their work schedule. It would be different if you were missing the play for a holiday.

I would validate that it is ok for her to be disappointed. You can share that you are disappointed as well because obviously you don’t want to miss her play. Then explain that sometimes work creates these conflicts and we have to keep our jobs to provide for our families.

I get that it’s disappointing for her but important for her to learn that sometimes parents have to work.

It's a shame but it's not the end of the world and it sounds like she'll have quite a fan club watching her anyway!

If you have to work, then you have to work. I get that she is disappointed but life is like that sometime. The only reason she would have cause to be upset is if you had the date of the play first and then booked the work trip afterwards?

Her dad, grandparents, aunties and uncles and nephews and nieces are going.

Tell her how lucky she is, because most schools simply could not accommodate such a huge crowd for each child.

My local primary has had to limit to one parent/carer per performance, and just have 2 or 3 performances.

I know! Our school has a limit of two tickets per performer.

Same.

There's no way a child could have the sort of huge entourage the OP's is having, at my school.

Is this real? Ive never known any schools accommodate this many people watching and i work with multiple schools across boroughs and age groups

It's a shame but it can't be helped. Do the school video it? If not, can your DH film on his phone (in a way that doesn't spoil things for others- have been to so many shows where some dad has ruined the view for people behind by holding his phone up in the air).

It's not unreasonable that she's disappointed and I'm sure you are too. I'd try to approach it as supporting each other in an unavoidable disappointment if you can. I think when we feel guilty about things like this it's hard to bear our children's disappointment and so it's tempting to stop them expressing it, but actually you might both feel better if you talk together about it. For her, deep down she's likely to be comforted by knowing that you wish you could be there and feel sad about it too, so if she's not talking to you I'd start by telling her that. I would resist the temptation to be cross with her, however much her behaviour triggers your own feelings.

Well, she’ll just have to sulk and learn to not try to boss you around. Someone can record it and you can watch it together when you return.

I wonder if she's so upset because pretty much every single other family member is going, if that makes sense. It makes it into some huge deal that you're missing rather than just "one of those things".

I’m a nurse and sometimes I just couldn’t go but as long as dad etc are there then she’ll have to learn sometimes you can’t be there but she can tell you all about it afterwards and you’re proud etc etc it is a bit rubbish I always had that bit of mum guilt, my sons last sports day at primary my eldest son went, then his last day at primary his dad went it’s tough missing out but I had to choose between the day off for his leavers assembly and bbq or last day,

Unfortunately this happens, parents miss things for various reasons including work.

At 9yrs old I’d expect her to understand and whilst I’d be initially sympathetic I’d expect any sulking or grumpiness to be short lived.

Where are they performing the play?

The 02 Arena? 😁

Will the play be filmed? It may help for you to buy a recording and watch it with her.

How many tickets have you managed to get. Surely better for just DH and possibly a grandparent to go to not make such a thing about it. Is she at stage school?

Depending on time difference and assuming the play is after school hours can you not get your husband to FaceTime you in so you can watch in real time?

If it’s doable with the time then I’m sure that while you’re on a business trip you won’t be missed for one hour? Presuming you’re not with the client 24/7.

Unfortunately though it’s one of those things and you do need to work - although I agree with posters than having such extended family there has hyped it up somewhat and made it seem more notable that her mother isn’t there.

@cheddercherry that probably would not be allowed by the school

Oh really? Our school has allowed it in exceptional circumstances (one parent was in hospital, the other lived abroad).

It’s ok for her to be disappointed but she needs to understand that you are disappointed too but that it is just unavoidable on this occasion. Can they record it and when you get home have a special evening where you all get glammed up, have special snacks and a special screening together?

She has to come first, you just have to reschedule your meeting. It's not difficult.

Why? Would you say the same if it was a Dad who was posting?

Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

How do you know it's not difficult? You have no idea what job the OP does and what flexibility it has.

There's loads of people going to watch her (i'm another that's amazed so many people are going from one family). She'll be fine. In our family it's just me and my husband so if we can't go there's no other family to watch (they all live too far or wouldn't want to go)