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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Missed Dads Birthday

57 replies

Dairymilkspyglass · 17/06/2024 13:32

Older kids (late 20s) have all moved out and have busy lives. All have retained their own key to the family home, all drive and are welcome any time. They keep in touch, text, call every now and again. Dad sends messages every day as they are usually too busy to take calls.
It's been a while since we had any visits. We have traversed over the country visiting in the past, however, DH has been unwell for a while now and is unable to drive (I don't drive).
DH birthday on fathers day. He had a brief text from all of them with well wishes for both. The day passed fairly uneventfully, DH opened the gifts our younger children gave him and we spent the day with friends.
This morning he spoke about how unhappy he was that our older children are happy to receive gifts, cash, visits from us, but very rarely reciprocate. I could see he was upset, so I found myself making excuses for them, and suggested maybe we were at fault for having an open invitation as opposed to specifically inviting them around.
Am I being unreasonable to think it wouldn't have taken them much effort to put a card in the post or contribute a couple of quid each to gift him a present? Or should I have to prompt and specifically invite in order to ensure DH is acknowledged?

OP posts:
craigth162 · 17/06/2024 13:34

Yanbu and yiur older children sound selfish. Either have a word with them or maybe stop all bday etc gifts to them. If they ask why say since they got nothing for father you assumed no gifts for adults

PassingStranger · 17/06/2024 13:35

A card from them for his bday would have been nice. A text isn't much effort. Ask them if that's what they want to do now. If so are they happy to get a text on their birthday?

Mee5ha · 17/06/2024 13:35

They sound selfish

Roundroundthegarden · 17/06/2024 13:35

Yanbu, they are happy to take but not give. Definitely call them out on it. No excuses for adults doing this.

NamechangeMay24 · 17/06/2024 13:39

You should definitely not take on the responsibility for ‘prompting’ them. That is just giving yourself another job that they won’t be grateful for!

However, someone (DH or you) should talk to them about how this is upsetting for him.

Visiting/inviting is tricky and I am on the fence. If you want them round, invite them. But also make it clear they are welcome to drop in, and also if they say no to an invitation don’t make a big deal out of it.

ByCupidStunt · 17/06/2024 13:40

Have they ever acknowledged his birthday without being prompted by you? People generally have to be taught and shown how to do this.

girlfriend44 · 17/06/2024 13:43

Roundroundthegarden · 17/06/2024 13:35

Yanbu, they are happy to take but not give. Definitely call them out on it. No excuses for adults doing this.

Yes call them out on it, and have world War 3 break out. Is it worth it.
Once a row has happened, it could potentially be the end of the relationship.
Perhaps just text them on their birthdays and if they say anything op, saying I thought it was texts we were doing now.
In the meantime you could invite them round on a specific day and see if they will come.
I wouldn't keep chasing them though.
Nobody is worth upsetting your mental wellbeing for.

FourOfDiamonds · 17/06/2024 13:44

I can see why your DH is upset and think that's fair enough.

I think some people that age can be a bit overwhelmed/ disorganised with their own lives and perhaps need a bit of prompting (not that you should have to but might make life easier). I would suggest putting some events in the calendar to encourage coming home (e.g a family BBQ) and maybe text 2 weeks before birthdays etc. to remind about cards/ presents.

We always text FIL now as he's forgotten MIL"s birthday twice 🙈

BookArt · 17/06/2024 14:51

I think young adults are a bit wrapped up in their own lives and we have all been guilty of taking our parents for granted (not acceptable). Maybe it is time to set new traditions for birthdays and other occasions and you lead the way. Invite them for Sunday dinner or do something together for your birthday. Make them aware after that you really enjoyed seeing them. Sometimes it isn't being mean but just a lack of thought.

TipsyKoala · 17/06/2024 16:18

Do people in their 20s and below even send cards any more? They do however sound a bit selfish. Maybe suggest to them that they could have made the effort to call. Even if they do know they’re welcome it might be nice to actually invite them sometimes so they feel like you want them there.

SirenDiMare · 17/06/2024 17:11

Your husband is right - it's really bad form to happily accept gifts and congratulations, but never reciprocate. I also think it's bad form to not make an effort with parents (provided there's a good relationship) on things like birthdays. It's such a cop-out to use "life's busy" as an excuse to neglect your loved ones, or to coward out of making an effort with them. It's lazy, selfish and rude. Plus, sorry to say, but work, hobbies, spouses, children, etc. doesn't ALWAYS trump EVERYTHING else in life.

On the other hand, it might be worth it to issue actual invitations to your children to see if that makes a difference in how often they visit you.

I would also stop with the gift giving until the children initiate that they'd like to exchange gifts. It's not really about the gifts, but about a two way street of making an effort and being thoughtful.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 17/06/2024 17:13

Sending cards is rapidly becoming "unfashionable" which is why places like Clinton's are closing. A lot of younger people prefer to send (and indeed receive) a text for various reasons including its cheaper and they don't have spare cash, its more environmentally friendly, they don't want to/have space for putting cards up... them sending a text is them acknowledging it

And they might then bring a gift the next time they actually can visit (cheaper again and maybe don't trust the post ect)

They keep in touch. Try doing the whole "Hey, it's my birthday on Saturday so I thought it would be nice if we had a BBQ/went for a meal at X/went to X location..." if you want them to come around. Just popping in also isn't fashionable anymore

DisruptiveCumin · 18/06/2024 11:44

Don't feel guilty, OP, their lack of thought is not your fault. Are they always like this? Could be just that, a lack of thought, not some bad faith, but either way their behaviour around dad's birthday wasn't nice. Sending a text feels like a cop out, I get not sending a card as people in their 20s don't really do that, but a smartshow 3d video would be nice and very modern!
I think talking to them is important, but if they show no sign of being sorry, then stop with gifts from your side from now on. If they think sending texts is enough for birthdays, then so be it.

SpanielsSunflowersSand · 21/06/2024 23:59

I have to admit, now I’m in my late 20s I would prefer we didn’t give gifts amongst adults. I just find it quite pointless! I am always grateful for receiving gifts and I do reciprocate to close family. We are all adults now though so it’s a right faff. I give vouchers for high end restaurants or hotels so it’s an experience rather than simply a gift but they could pay for it themselves and vice versa so I don’t see the point.

My mum is sentimental so I always send her a card for any and all occasions. I only send a Father’s Day card and birthday card for my dad. Me and my husband don’t send cards/ buy gifts for each other because we both see no value in buying each other things for the sake of it and giving each other a card that will end up in landfill 😂

All that said, a simple phone call wouldn’t have gone a miss. That is just rude. My opinion on celebrations is just that, and I still respect how sentimental my mum is so always celebrate with her. My dad less so but I would never not speak to him at all. I would have a discussion with your children about this because like me, they might just be more laid back about celebrations, and hopefully, they’ve just missed the memo on how important they are to your husband! In which case, speaking to them could resolve that as I’m sure they’d feel awful for upsetting him!

Notamum12345577 · 22/06/2024 00:01

girlfriend44 · 17/06/2024 13:43

Yes call them out on it, and have world War 3 break out. Is it worth it.
Once a row has happened, it could potentially be the end of the relationship.
Perhaps just text them on their birthdays and if they say anything op, saying I thought it was texts we were doing now.
In the meantime you could invite them round on a specific day and see if they will come.
I wouldn't keep chasing them though.
Nobody is worth upsetting your mental wellbeing for.

Show quote history

I think calmly telling them that it was upsetting is less likely to cause an issue than your idea

Allwelcone · 22/06/2024 06:40

Just invite them all round for a lovely meal whats wrong with that? Keep the family connections going.

TooLateForRoses · 22/06/2024 06:43

Ask them if that's all they want for their birthdays. Some people genuinely don't like fuss

Fairyliz · 22/06/2024 06:52

I actually think that’s shocking. I have two DC’s in their 20’s and since the age of about 10 they have always remembered birthdays, Father’s Day etc and sorted out a card and present.
I would actually tell them how upset your DH is; they are old enough now to stop taking you for granted.

Seelybee · 22/06/2024 14:57

Three things here - birthday, father's day and unwell. If your adult children are too selfish and uncaring to send a card or at the very least spare a few minutes to call their father they wouldn't get anything more from me. No-one's too busy to Moonpig a card. Maybe it annoys them that their dad messages every day? Maybe they assume as he does that they don't need to? Perhaps he should just leave them to it as they clearly aren't bothered about him. Sympathies to you both for what amounts to a slap in the face for generous and supportive parents.

cbbo · 22/06/2024 18:07

Either tell them that’s not acceptable and they need to do better. Or tell them that’s all their getting when it comes round to their birthdays!!!

Alexandra84 · 22/06/2024 18:33

I’m inclined to say this is incredibly unkind of them. I am grown up, with two young children of my own, and a very stressful and demanding job.
But you only get one dad.He’s not great at communication, but we do watsapp every few days, and I would be ashamed to not ensure he had a birthday/Xmas/Father’s Day card and gift. He lives about 30 mins away, so if these days fall on a weekend, I would ensure I saw him.
I would be very blunt and explain you know they are busy, but it’s not on.

Lawyer1991 · 22/06/2024 18:38

As a 32 year old with siblings about my
age (but with kids, which I don’t think your children have) I think it’s awful they forgot. He won’t want to reach out to them himself and I think you muting his feelings and making excuses for them isn’t great. You need to tell him you understand why he’s upset and reach out to the kids to say that you’d (not he) would appreciate if they made more effort on his birthday because he didn’t receive a card, gift or even phone call from them and how would they feel if he did the same? They are adults that clearly need to be told these things - I am usually the one reminding my siblings at times but if none of the older ones do then you have to for his sake. He can do the same if they forget yours and if they don’t imagine how YOU would feel. We always come together for my dad’s birthday and Father’s Day etc and if they don’t have kids of their own or partners they’re fitting in (eg other parents) then on FD there is no excuse.

whynotwhatknot · 22/06/2024 19:09

so they cant even be botered to visit knowing he cant drive an coulnt even be botered with a card

itsmylife7 · 22/06/2024 21:16

Don't make excuses for them, it won't make your husband feel better.

There is no excuse for them not remembering his birthday.

He's been a good Dad and this is how they repay him.

I used to travel on buses with 2 young children to visit my parents on their birthday, or send a birthday card and phone call.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 22/06/2024 21:19

They didn't FORGET

They sent, like a lot of people their age, a text. OP's DH is upset it wasn't a call or card

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