Missed Dads Birthday

[Dairymilkspyglass]

Older kids (late 20s) have all moved out and have busy lives. All have retained their own key to the family home, all drive and are welcome any time. They keep in touch, text, call every now and again. Dad sends messages every day as they are usually too busy to take calls.
It's been a while since we had any visits. We have traversed over the country visiting in the past, however, DH has been unwell for a while now and is unable to drive (I don't drive).
DH birthday on fathers day. He had a brief text from all of them with well wishes for both. The day passed fairly uneventfully, DH opened the gifts our younger children gave him and we spent the day with friends.
This morning he spoke about how unhappy he was that our older children are happy to receive gifts, cash, visits from us, but very rarely reciprocate. I could see he was upset, so I found myself making excuses for them, and suggested maybe we were at fault for having an open invitation as opposed to specifically inviting them around.
Am I being unreasonable to think it wouldn't have taken them much effort to put a card in the post or contribute a couple of quid each to gift him a present? Or should I have to prompt and specifically invite in order to ensure DH is acknowledged?

I think it's hard to say if they are unreasonable. They definitely didn't forget, they texted wishing him a happy birtday and fathers day. I have kids in their 20s and they wouldn't think to send a card, but they would probably call or come over, but they are local so it's easier. The main thing is that perhaps the kids aren't as close to their parents and therefore feels a text is sufficient. You also can't hold it against them that you give them presents and go and see them. That's nice of you but it doesn't mean that they have to reciprocate and that they are bad people if they don't.

They need to be told their father is upset.
Please OP don’t make excuses for them.

Could the younger kids maybe pass on a message that he was annoyed. Not sure of ages, I sometimes have to remind my brother about things and keep him in line 🤣🤣

It is not hard to send a card in the post, they could have gone on Moonpig. With all the online options there is no excuse. If money is an issue then they could still afford a card and a stamp and explain they have no money for a gift.
My older parents do not like big gifts as they have all they need but I always get something and always arrange to spend time with them on special days. Think it is so sad to see parents forgotten about by kids and not treated right by their children 🥲

Hi OP,

They should absolutely be bothered. A text doesn’t cut it at all. If time off isn’t possible in the day, surely they can come before or after.

if I were you, I would voice MY disappointment (not DH’s) to them and let them know that they won’t be receiving more than they are willing to give if they don’t act better next time. Life crisis happens so of course it all depends but surely, not all of them in the same time. If they all are in difficulty, then it is your DH that should reevaluate his expectations.

that must have been hurtful for DH.

hope you guys keep ok 👌🏼

It’s shitty behaviour
I dont send cards as a rule anymore but my mother loved a card so my sister and I ensured to send cards to her for all the special occasions
is it really too much to expect a card and a phone call from adult children? I think not!

YANBU , you need to speak to them and explain that their dad feels a bit upset about it and that you would as well . Incidentally do they buy for your birthday / Mother’s Day / siblings birthday ? Gift giving is not a one way street once children are grown and have their own income .

Gift giving is entirely down to each person

I give gifts, I don't expect the person to give me one in response

I don't give to recieve. I give because spoiling people is part of my "love language"

I think calmly have a chat (maybe with the most organised/responsive one) and explain your husband is upset and that when they were younger/lived at home they would've got him something but now haven't, and haven't visited whilst his health is not good. I imagine if they'd been very dutiful and visited often, then actually this wouldn't be as big a deal, but perhaps it is the straw that broke the camels back. At least they remembered and sent a text, they probably feel its enough. I disagree with everyone saying "treat them the same and stop giving gifts" yes they are adults but I'm guessing young adults, brains don't fully form until they're 25 and I always think parents are "the grown ups". Calmly explain the impact of their behaviour the way you would to any one of your children but don't "punish" them or you'll come across as petty and the relationship will become even worse which I'm assuming you don't want.
My brother was like this to my parents in his early 20s, he grew out of it, young adults are pretty selfish generally, and busy with other things. It's not great but I'm sure it won't reflect how they treat him forever!

You've just reminded me I haven't sent my mom a card for her birthday on Tuesday. She doesn't do email or text and it is impossible to get anything to her in time unless I Fedex some flowers or something. Oh puff!

You are definitely not being unreasonable here and the older kids seem self centred. My DH is my daughters x2 step dad. Even before we married they used to get him birthday cards and Father's day cards, even while their own Father was still alive. They never needed prompting and the Grandchildren, now both late teens, remember him too. Perhaps a little prompt would be good.

Father's Day has never been a thing in our house, this year DH just had a card from our youngest daughter but it doesn't bother him. They all usually remember his birthday though only two of them will get him a present.

YANBU but I would put it down to thoughtlessness rather than selfishness. Young people with busy lives and many interests often don’t realise how much older people care about things such as birthday cards or small gifts. It probably hasn’t occurred to them that you would like them to visit you rather than you just visiting them. Setting up a particular date for them to come is a good idea, as others have said.

By all means try to help them understand, but I would try to do it without making them feel guilty, which could just lead to resentment. Something like "It would be lovely if you could visit us sometimes, especially now Dad can’t drive" or "You know, I know we’re old-fashioned but Dad would really appreciate a proper card on his birthday" (though even that sounds rather accusatory). A thought: I might be wrong here, and every family is different, but him texting them all every day sounds a bit OTT to me. There’s no incentive for them to contact you or him to ask how he is if they’re already hearing from him every day.

@Dairymilkspyglass that's bad crack, a text means nothing really. I'm 26, it's my dads birthday today, he has newly diagnose dementia and doesnt really know what's going on around him and isn't interested in much, I've still been round to see him, bought him a present and card and a Colin the Caterpillar cake. It's one day a year so no excuses really

Selfish behaviour id make a point and not buy them anything for their birthdays x

Look - it all depends on family dynamics and expectation, as well as what everyone has going on in their life m. It’s fine to tell them dad was a bit upset you didn’t make more of an effort for his bday/Father’s Day. Are they in general selfish? You can also find a way to point this out if so. You are still parents and we need our parents to be real with us, from a place of love, as so few people are. BUT also, parent/child is an and should be an unequal exchange. You give they take; that’s the deal. They don’t owe you gratitude or reciprocity - and of course now they are grown you don’t owe them cash and support and goodwill. Anyway - my advice is be non confrontational and honest, don’t make it a ‘thing’ and if you feel used stop giving. (But don’t despair, plenty of people are still working things out through their 20s. Nora Ephron said 34 of when enough has shaken down that you’ll be able to tell if you did a good parenting job or not!)

Your husband is exactly right to be upset and disappointed in the entitled behaviour of your children. They accept gifts and a key to your home but can do no more than send a paltry text to your poorly husband which is supposed to cover both birthday and Father’s Day.
You could, of course, go down the route of reciprocity but this is not what you actually want so I personally would not. Unfortunately, your semi grown up children need retraining on what it means to be part of a loving and well functioning family. No need for drama, accusations or a row just let them know what you want for your husband. There is still time for them to visit and with a gift. A gift does not need to cost a great deal but maintaining relationships takes time and effort. The rewards for having a strong family network far outweigh this effort. I’m sure all the love given over the years will ensure your children want this too; they just need a nudge in the right direction.

YANBU but if they were my kids I would tell them.

But they also couldn’t be bothered!

as said, cards just arent on their radar
you probably should have issued an invitation, made plans, for them to come down.

I think your DH is being a bit of a baby tbh. They sent a text, which is what young people do. A phone call might have been nice, and I think you could call them out on that.

Gifts, ridiculous. Would be equally ridiculous if they are expecting gifts from you. Send a warm and cheery text wishing them a lovely day on the next adult child’s birthday and leave it at that.

So you know them do you?

You know that it was because they couldn't be bothered and not because they thought sending a card was wasteful and they've got a gift to give him when they next see him?

Phone calls just aren't done any more.

YANBU OP. I hate all this crap about young single adults living such busy lives that they can't acknowledge their parents on celebratory days. It really doesn't take much effort. I would be tempted to not contact them for a while. If they ask why you haven't been in touch I would just say I thought you would be too busy. I heard an elderly man on the radio recently saying his children only ever text and that he would just love to hear their voices. He was in tears as was I listening to him.

But they did "acknowledge" him, just not in the way he (or I) would have preferred.

In my opinion, following your advice would probably lead to bad feeling and a worsening of the situation. It’s very sad about the man you heard on the radio, but I still think it’s probably just that some younger people always communicate with each other by text and do not realise how some older people feel about this. They should be told, but not in a confrontational way.

You and your husband sound like lovely people and I hope you find a way to communicate your feelings to your adult children.

"Your dad seemed a bit sad that nobody made a fuss of him on his birthday this year. Are we not even doing cards anymore son?"...

Just a straight question, nothing grumpy.

I'm not surprised he feels upset. It's not about the cards really is it, it's about feeling cared about. Or not in this case.

It’s not wasteful at all. It’s putting more thought into something rather than sending a quick message whilst you’re on your phone anyway. They’ll be quick to notice if their card with money in doesn’t turn up!

oh, and do fuck off with the ‘do you know them’ comments.