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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to switch to every other weekend?

38 replies

TooManyAnimals94 · 17/06/2024 13:04

My current arrangement with ex is he has daughter every Tuesday night and drops her at childminder in the morning.

He then picks her up on a Friday night and brings her back Saturday evening. We fell into this arrangement after we split because I've always worked shifts that often included late Friday evening and Saturday day so it was convenient in that respect but I don't like never having my daughter all weekend and never being able to do anything social on a Saturday evening.

I'm changing jobs to be more 9-5 and no weekends so I floated the idea of every Tuesday and then every other weekend.

He's come back and basically said no because 'it won't be good for him or her' because they'll miss each other. I see it slightly differently in that there is less changing care givers for her and we each get longer, quality time.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
DailyMailHater · 17/06/2024 13:08

I am not sure either of you is being unreasonable, as you are both asking for the same thing - time with your daughter (you want more and he doesn’t want to reduce his)

he would be getting less than he currently is - is there any other time he could have her to make up for losing every other weekend?

it may take a while to come to a compromise - how old is your daughter is is something she could have a say in (without feeling pressure of upsetting either parent)

SleepingStandingUp · 17/06/2024 13:12

You're not unreasonable to want weekends with her, and he's not unreasonable to not want to go so long between contact. You're suggesting instead of seeing her every few days (Tue-Fri, Fri-Tue) to go Tue-Tue. Do you want to go a week without seeing your child?

However there's scope for something that makes the time together easier to navigate.
Would be refuse to have her for the Saturday night and bring her back on the Sunday as an occasional thing?
Could you do Fri-Sat morning every other weekend?

SwingTheMonkey · 17/06/2024 13:29

Not sure I’ve read this right…

You want him to agree to seeing his daughter less than he currently does?

If so, yes, you’re being unbelievably unreasonable.

LemonCitron · 17/06/2024 13:31

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Keep talking and try to find a compromise you're both happy with.

cardibach · 17/06/2024 13:35

DailyMailHater · 17/06/2024 13:08

I am not sure either of you is being unreasonable, as you are both asking for the same thing - time with your daughter (you want more and he doesn’t want to reduce his)

he would be getting less than he currently is - is there any other time he could have her to make up for losing every other weekend?

it may take a while to come to a compromise - how old is your daughter is is something she could have a say in (without feeling pressure of upsetting either parent)

He wouldn’t be reducing it would he?
Still every Tuesday, the instead of Friday night every week, it would be Friday and Saturday night every two weeks. So 4 nights and 2 full days every two weeks - the same as now, but spread out differently. Unless it’s me that’s read it wrong.

Beamur · 17/06/2024 13:37

He would see her less frequently though.
It might suit you better but have you asked your DD what she thinks?

Wontletmeusemynormalname · 17/06/2024 13:38

SwingTheMonkey · 17/06/2024 13:29

Not sure I’ve read this right…

You want him to agree to seeing his daughter less than he currently does?

If so, yes, you’re being unbelievably unreasonable.

But he wouldn't? He'd be having her the same amount of time if he has her Fri pm till Sun pm.

SwingTheMonkey · 17/06/2024 13:39

cardibach · 17/06/2024 13:35

He wouldn’t be reducing it would he?
Still every Tuesday, the instead of Friday night every week, it would be Friday and Saturday night every two weeks. So 4 nights and 2 full days every two weeks - the same as now, but spread out differently. Unless it’s me that’s read it wrong.

Show quote history

Ah, I see what you mean.

I’d be devastated to not see my child for a whole week at a time (Tues-Tues on the week he doesn’t have her at the weekend). I’m not surprised he’s not happy with this suggestion.

abc12378 · 17/06/2024 13:39

We had a similar schedule a few years ago as my H worked on Saturdays, so his ex would have the kids Thurs night - Saturday night, and then they would be back to ours every Saturday night - Thurs morning. It was a complete pain to be honest like you said as it means no-one gets a social Saturday night as our change over time was 8pm, and also no-one gets a full weekend. We changed to week on/week off and it's so much better. The kids preferred it too as less ferrying around between houses.

The kids were a bit older though when we changed (14 and 16)

Dragonsandcats · 17/06/2024 13:39

@Wontletmeusemynormalname that’s how I read it too. Same amount of time just spaced out more.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 17/06/2024 13:43

You're not unreasonable to ask him, and he's not being unreasonable to say no.

You were happy with this arrangement whilst it benefited you, it doesn't any longer and you want your change the arrangement so it benefits you again. What happens a few months / years down the line when you go back to working shifts or weekends and you need to change it again - it's not really fair on anyone except you.

Think you're just going to have to suck it up and make plans around the current set up. Maybe get a good babysitter for Saturday nights when needed, and offer to swap days when you want to take your dc away on a weekend?

Singleandproud · 17/06/2024 13:44

What does DD want?
My DD prefers not to sleepover and likes one day at each parent so I have Saturdays and he has Sundays.

If we are going on holiday and she misses his time then I try to make it up to him which is only fair.

If he works a normal 9-5 suggest alternating the Saturday and Sundays or if there is a specific event you want to take her to ask to switch

As a parent it's actually nice to have that break once you get used to it, it allows you to pursue hobby's and meet up with friends etc that you don't get chance to normally

cardibach · 17/06/2024 13:44

SwingTheMonkey · 17/06/2024 13:39

Ah, I see what you mean.

I’d be devastated to not see my child for a whole week at a time (Tues-Tues on the week he doesn’t have her at the weekend). I’m not surprised he’s not happy with this suggestion.

Show quote history

It’s fairly common though - one night a week and every other weekend. It’s a pretty usual arrangement. It also means both parents can have a full weekend to go away with (or without) the child.

SwingTheMonkey · 17/06/2024 13:47

cardibach · 17/06/2024 13:44

It’s fairly common though - one night a week and every other weekend. It’s a pretty usual arrangement. It also means both parents can have a full weekend to go away with (or without) the child.

Show quote history

It might be fairly common but that doesn’t make it fair. Op is already reaping the benefits of having her daughter live with her most of the time. As a pp said, she needs to stop thinking about the dad’s access in terms of what benefits her best, and think of it in terms of what’s best for the child.

Tbskejue · 17/06/2024 13:50

I think you need to suggest an extra night to make the time up as he’s going from 4 over a fortnight to three.

user09876543 · 17/06/2024 13:51

Just alternate.

So week one he has her Friday night returning her Saturday evening, week 2 he has her saturday night returning her sunday evening.

That way he still gets to see her twice a week every week and you get every other saturday to do child free stuff.

PurpleBugz · 17/06/2024 13:52

Children have a right to quality time with both parents. This is why the every other weekend pattern is so common as family court mostly understands that having your child 5 days in the week with school and work etc isn't much quality time really.

Before you changed your work pattern did you have more time together in the week but now with working 9-5 you will be having less? If less you have a fair argument. If you are offering more weekdays to compensate for the loss of every other weekend it's fair as then the child gets quality time with both parents

SwingTheMonkey · 17/06/2024 13:52

user09876543 · 17/06/2024 13:51

Just alternate.

So week one he has her Friday night returning her Saturday evening, week 2 he has her saturday night returning her sunday evening.

That way he still gets to see her twice a week every week and you get every other saturday to do child free stuff.

I think this is the best solution.

CandiedPrincess · 17/06/2024 13:53

Majority of people do EOW.

OP if it helps, why not offer him to have her every Tuesday, and then every Friday, but every other week she comes back to you Saturday AM, and then on the other weeks he has her all weekend.

ShowerOfShites · 17/06/2024 13:55

Age is pretty important here but you seem to have omitted it?

Is your DC old enough to have a say?

Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 17/06/2024 14:32

cardibach · 17/06/2024 13:35

He wouldn’t be reducing it would he?
Still every Tuesday, the instead of Friday night every week, it would be Friday and Saturday night every two weeks. So 4 nights and 2 full days every two weeks - the same as now, but spread out differently. Unless it’s me that’s read it wrong.

Show quote history

This is right. Same number of nights over two weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooManyAnimals94 · 17/06/2024 14:32

ShowerOfShites · 17/06/2024 13:55

Age is pretty important here but you seem to have omitted it?

Is your DC old enough to have a say?

She's nearly 3

OP posts:
FuzzyStripes · 17/06/2024 14:34

He helped you out to work around what suited you and the current arrangement now suits him, but you expect him to change again purely because you’d prefer it? I think you are BU but I also think there should be a compromise you can reach eg perhaps one weekend a month you take it in turns to have her the whole weekend.

cardibach · 17/06/2024 14:47

Tbskejue · 17/06/2024 13:50

I think you need to suggest an extra night to make the time up as he’s going from 4 over a fortnight to three.

No he isn’t. He’d be going from every Tuesday and Friday to every Tuesday and every other Friday and Saturday. 4 mights over a fortnight.

cardibach · 17/06/2024 14:48

CandiedPrincess · 17/06/2024 13:53

Majority of people do EOW.

OP if it helps, why not offer him to have her every Tuesday, and then every Friday, but every other week she comes back to you Saturday AM, and then on the other weeks he has her all weekend.

With this arrangement OP would never be able to take her child away for the weekend.