MIL saying she's unwell, again... AIBU to leave it all up to DH?

[GirlWithABrokenSmile]

Very long story short - my in-laws are nuts. Eventually, after a very traumatic first year of our son's life, I took the MN advice and went VLC. They didn't cope with this well, and it ended up with MIL shouting at us in a restaurant and storming out, leaving FIL to start a big argument with DH, and eventually leave after her. It was mortifying. We didn't see them for four months and then they turned up on our street and shouted a lot, which was the icing on the cake, really.

Me and DS haven't seen them since. DH has visited them twice and texts them occasionally. They have loosely apologised for a few things to DH, but never to me, and they have form for saying what they think someone wants to hear and then ignoring it.

DH feels a strange sense of loyalty to them. They've continued to give him presents for his birthday/Christmas, all of which he's put in a shed and not opened. He sent a neutral card for Mother's Day, nothing for Father's Day. We got through the barrage of messages about how he's disappointed them, how they're incredibly hurt by him, how they'd disinherit him... FIL has two other older sons that he basically abandoned when he met MIL. He copes now by sort of pretending that he's too busy to visit much when they complain, so he's gone twice in 2 years, which feels mean to me but is working for him.

MIL has messaged to say she's undergoing tests and is worried that it's cancer. DH has not replied, but has messaged his Dad to ask how serious it is. MIL has form for this... she summoned us several times during lockdown with "serious illness" that she pretended she'd never said when we arrived. She claimed they were moving to a flat because she couldn't do stairs anymore for a while, etc. She is very thin, but generally fit and healthy. She refuses to eat any meat, diary or gluten, but she's been that way for years.

Should I encourage DH to go and visit her? I don't think it changes anything for me and I don't want to expose 3yo DS to them, he doesn't remember them and it's for the best, as much as it hurts that he doesn't have grandparents.

They've caused a lot of pain over the years, and no part of me wants to play their games again. I've finally found some peace over it all. DH feels the same, and this level of VLC is working for him right now, but if MIL is ill, I don't know how that'll change things...

He's an adult let him decide.

Leave it to your DH.

She is manipulative.. Nc means nc. Have been with my dps. No illness will change that..
Keep out of it op.
Even the worst diagnosis won't change her will it?

Your DH knows what they're like as well as you do, let him decide.

Leave it to DH, he doesnt need someone to encourage him.

YANBU, leave it to your DH to decide what he wants to do.

Stay completely out of it would be my advice. Sounds like he has found a way to cope with toxic parents and to encourage him to change that is only going to backfire on you both.
Yes, if she is seriously ill he may question himself later but I would simply be prepared to remind him that given past experience he was / is completely reasonable to not engage.

Jesus, no. Don't encourage him. Don't get involved.

Only dh knows what he wants to do here. Sorry for the relationship you didn't get with your inlaws but sounds like you make right decision re NC for you and dc.

Stay out of it. Continue to stay out of it for the rest of your life. His relationship with his parents is nothing to do with you, or his siblings or anyone. His parents, his choice.

The only thing you could do is ask him if he would feel any regrets if she (or his father) died tomorrow. If yes, then he needs to do something anyway whether or not she is ill.

Announcing they are very unwell is part of a script for people with narc tendencies. I think that not getting their own way preys on their mind and makes them feel bad, they may also feel like they lost control when they lost it and had a go at you. But they are completely unable to take responsibility for their behaviour, so 'I feel bad' manifests as an illness.

If you read up on the Karpman Drama Triangle (Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer) its becomes easier to make sense of their behaviour. You can't change them but you can change the way you react. Going NC can be the only way to keep your sanity.

As others have said leave it for your husband to decide. She may not have cancer.

Cancer won't make her grow a halo
If he wants to go you aren't stopping him but iof he doesn't support that

You don’t know it’s cancer and your MIL has form.

As far as I’m concerned you reap what you sow. You can’t treat people badly then expect them to be around when you need them.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I think we have the same in laws….! We’re a few more years on in the saga than you. Mine are well into the serious illnesses to get everyone to jump to the tune of their beat, lots of diagnostic tests which all come back as not serious and link back to the fact they also have incredibly restrictive diets so have multiple deficiencies. Dread to think how much it costs the NHS. But I digress - I’ve remained in no contact for the last few years, it’s been brilliant for me and my MH. DH is in very low contact and he’s much happier. We’re due a barrage of abuse any day now if they follow their usual pattern. Sending you an un-mumsnetty hug. It’s a crappy situation but sounds like you’re handling it well. At the end of the day they’re his parents, I always tell DH it’s up to him what he does and I’ll do my best to support him but fortunately he can see they are that bat shit he doesn’t want to expose our kids to them.

Let your husband go and enjoy a child free day.

Should I encourage DH to go and visit her?

No. Just stay neutral. It's up to your DH to decide - only he truly knows how he feels about his parents. I would neither encourage nor discourage him to visit her.

Should I encourage DH to go and visit her?

No - don't get involved at all, if you feel you must raise it just tell him you'll support whatever he decides to do wrt his own level of contact.

Why would you encourage him to do that? That would put unfair emotional pressure on him.

So, no - don’t do that. Tell him you support his decision not to engage now or at any time.

Let him decide and keep your fingers crossed 😉

Many years ago, FIL told us MIL had cancer.
Self diagnosed, of course, but we didn't find that out straight away.
Their reasoning - she had lost weight. Therefore it must be cancer.
Actually, she had drunk her pancreas to death so was not absorbing anything from the food she was eating. Simple medication fixed it.

Some people think they are doctors when they aren't, especially if they are master manipulators.
Be cautious.

It's straight out of the play book, being ill, so I'd personally be reminding him of that. Maybe suggest he explores it all before deciding what to do. What if she is ill? What if she isn't? Does anything change regarding her past and future behaviour? That kind of thing.

Other than a bit of encouragement to really think it through from all angles I'd advise you then let him decide, so it's his choice that's been made.

If he does get in touch with them he can do so without involving you and your child.

I have a parent I'm no contact with and personally there is zero reason I'd restart contact! But it's for him to mull over I guess.

Has he ever had any counselling regarding his parents?

Leave it for him to decide, he is an adult.

Leave it to him. That’s what I do. No contact, no more wife work.
It’s up to him what he does.