Very long story short - my in-laws are nuts. Eventually, after a very traumatic first year of our son's life, I took the MN advice and went VLC. They didn't cope with this well, and it ended up with MIL shouting at us in a restaurant and storming out, leaving FIL to start a big argument with DH, and eventually leave after her. It was mortifying. We didn't see them for four months and then they turned up on our street and shouted a lot, which was the icing on the cake, really.
Me and DS haven't seen them since. DH has visited them twice and texts them occasionally. They have loosely apologised for a few things to DH, but never to me, and they have form for saying what they think someone wants to hear and then ignoring it.
DH feels a strange sense of loyalty to them. They've continued to give him presents for his birthday/Christmas, all of which he's put in a shed and not opened. He sent a neutral card for Mother's Day, nothing for Father's Day. We got through the barrage of messages about how he's disappointed them, how they're incredibly hurt by him, how they'd disinherit him... FIL has two other older sons that he basically abandoned when he met MIL. He copes now by sort of pretending that he's too busy to visit much when they complain, so he's gone twice in 2 years, which feels mean to me but is working for him.
MIL has messaged to say she's undergoing tests and is worried that it's cancer. DH has not replied, but has messaged his Dad to ask how serious it is. MIL has form for this... she summoned us several times during lockdown with "serious illness" that she pretended she'd never said when we arrived. She claimed they were moving to a flat because she couldn't do stairs anymore for a while, etc. She is very thin, but generally fit and healthy. She refuses to eat any meat, diary or gluten, but she's been that way for years.
Should I encourage DH to go and visit her? I don't think it changes anything for me and I don't want to expose 3yo DS to them, he doesn't remember them and it's for the best, as much as it hurts that he doesn't have grandparents.
They've caused a lot of pain over the years, and no part of me wants to play their games again. I've finally found some peace over it all. DH feels the same, and this level of VLC is working for him right now, but if MIL is ill, I don't know how that'll change things...