Breastfeeding and no sex drive - DH annoyed

[Snowdrop80]

Since having DS2 my sex drive has pretty much disappeared and I don’t really know why. From what I’ve read online I think it could be hormone/breastfeeding related. DS is 21 months and he still breastfeeds frequently especially during the night. I don’t really want to continue anymore but DH hasn’t been very helpful with the weaning process, he has never got up with him during the night and tried to resettle him. He always says he will but then when it comes to it, he doesn’t.

I can tell DH’s feelings have been hurt in the past when he’s tried to initiate sex and I don’t reciprocate, so then we don’t do it. He always tells me it’s fine but I know I need to put in more effort.
Last night he tried again at 22:30, and I said no and that I just wanted to watch some tv and go to sleep. He then started having a go at me, saying I have no interest in him at all, he feels bad for ever initiating sex because I always act annoyed about it, that this isn’t a relationship anymore because I give him no sexual satisfaction at all and that I am abnormal. I was taken aback and felt awful but also annoyed because DH has a habit of never communicating how he is feeling about things then blows up when it gets too much.

It isn’t that it’s only DH I’m not sexually attracted to, I don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone right now. I feel touched out by the end of the day from the kids and I’m exhausted. I want to have a sex drive again but it just isn’t there right now. I think to move forward from this I’m just going to have to pretend that it is and initiate sex. We never had sex much before DS2 - probably about once a week but now it’s only about once a month. The only time I ever feel up to it is during ovulation.

Am I abnormal? Is this normal after having kids and breastfeeding? I’m worried our relationship is on the line because of this.

Once you stop breastfeeding it will come back.

No you aren't abnormal.

I think you need to have a serious sit down with him and tell him that you want to get back to having a physical relationship, but he needs to start acting like a father and pulling his weight with his children. Tell him that being touched out and breastfeeding hormones means that your libido is on the floor and he needs to start playing an active role in the weaning process.

Even if he says nothing, calmly lay it all out and hope it starts to percolate through. And, even if it makes it harder for a few nights, make him get up at night. Actively wake him, say it's his turn, refuse to get out of bed and don't let him fall back asleep.

Yep BF can kill off your libido but so can just having little kids to be honest. It’s natures way of preventing you having more dc when you’ve already got your hands full! You dh shouldn’t be sulking about it. You need to talk to each other more and he should try to be more understanding- and help with the dc more by the sounds of it.

I think it's absolutely exhausting breastfeeding through the night like that when baby is so much older. I'm putting my hard hat on now but if I were you I would stop feeding.

I fed my daughter until she was 18 months old and she woke continuously throughout the night. Once I stop feeding she started to sleep through and everything became much more manageable.

Having said that, your husband needs to play a bigger role.

It's not on that he makes promises and doesn't keep them.

Stopping breastfeeding will get your hormones back to normal. Lactation hormones do
nothing for sex drive. Your dh’s feelings are pretty normal IMO.

I think it can be quite normal to feel touched out and tired when breastfeeding and looking after young children. However, it’s also possible that if you make the effort to have sex more often you will enjoy it and get back into wanting to have it.

Your DH not helping out is another matter and that will contribute to your tiredness so a calm explanation that he needs to pull his weight (without involving sex) needs to be had. Ultimately though, if one person wants sex and the other doesn’t, the relationship is unlikely to last.

Calling you abnormal is completely unacceptable, I can't believe no one seems to have even mentioned that yet!

Tell the lazy, inconsiderate, insulting shit that when he starts getting up in the night so that you can get some sleep you might be more interested in having sex with him.

How dare he tell you that you're abnormal. Asshole.

This is what terrifies me, that he will leave because of this. We have been together 15 years and married for 4.

My sex drive did return when I stopped breastfeeding, but only during the few days of ovulation. The rest of the month it was as before i.e. tired and busy most of the time so relatively low.
I think you have bigger problems than breastfeeding. Your husband not being involved enough and poor coomunication are more harmful than a temporary low sex drive. I think you need to sit down and have a proper talk and insist he pulls his weight more.

If I am reading your OP correctly, then I am going to assume that for at least half of your marriage he has been dissatisfied with the frequency of sex? If so, that’s a long time.

You say you want to stop bf? So find a day and that’s the day you will stop. Make sure he is on board with this and will be supportive. If you need his help for this in the night, wake him up and remind him. Work on this together with the end goal being you will have a sex life again (although I either wouldn’t tell him that or else make it clear he isn’t to pressure you at the end of it, just in case you decide you don’t want sex afterwards).

Simple really tell him the only way your sex drive will come back is if you stop breastfeeding but since he won't help you with this he is in fact the problem. He needs to get up at night and actually help so you can stop breastfeeding. Then leave the ball in his court. Don't have anymore kids with him.

Yep. We also didn’t really have sex while I was pregnant with DS2 because I had an issue with my cervix and kept bleeding. So he’s been really rejected and down about this for a long time

I think you need to have an open conversation with him. You don't have to be hostile or defensive, you can explain your position and say you really want to want it more, but the BF and broken sleep isn't helping.

You could suggest that you try to aim for something more like once a fortnight / once every ten days, and if he is up for helping out a bit more, you can try to prioritise it as well. I think some meeting in the middle is a good idea and acknowledgment that this isn't anyone's fault.

Good advice, thank you. He went to work early this morning and I’ve messaged him to make sure we’re ok but he isn’t replying.

I agree with this.

If he'd spoken with you in a respectful manner and wasn't a lazy father and husband, I'd agree with some of the other approaches.

He needs to apologise, take accountability and step the hell up.

This is absolutely not abnormal. It is natures contraceptive.

all in with pregnancy it’s been close to 3 years. It is a long time to be practically celibate.

he needs to help out more, you need to stop breastfeeding. See if your sex drive comes back.

it’s absolutely fine to not want sex. But also it is important to recognise that constant rejection is soul destroying, and intimacy is a key part of a happy relationship for many people. He also shouldn’t be expected to live a basically celibate life, full of rejection.

im not sure you can reconcile, but faking it to please him isn’t going to work, he will know. No decent man wants sex like that.

if you can’t reconcile it, then it is either split, have an open marriage where he has discreet affairs, or he agrees no sex.

Sounds like he needs a blow up doll rather than an actual living breathing human woman.

It’s perfectly normal, it’s natures contraceptive, look at other apes, they don’t have sex for up to 7 years between young, it’s evolution, to give the baby the best chance of survival, it needs all its mothers attention. As for him seeing your cervix issue as a rejection to him, honestly, it makes me feel sick. Like I said, he wants a blow up doll.

Yep. Breastfeeding kills your sex drive, I think it’s the case for the vast majority of people.

Talk to him, explain and make a plan to stop BFing if that’s what you want.

You seem to have accidentally missed the fact that the lazy prick could help with bottle feeds in order to help his wife’s sex drive, or do you not feel he has to put any effort in whatsoever to resolve this before he gets to demand an open marriage?

@Naunet how can he bottle feed if she's breastfeeding a 21 month old continuously though the night?

Did you read OPs opening post?

DS is 21 months and he still breastfeeds frequently especially during the night. I don’t really want to continue anymore but DH hasn’t been very helpful with the weaning process, he has never got up with him during the night and tried to resettle him

Aristocratic and Royal women in previous eras employed wet nurses because breast feeding was known to diminish libido and reduce the chance of conception . They needed to produce heirs, not milk.

Thanks for all your advice. We have still had sex on occasion but it’s very rare and is obviously making him unhappy. Without drip feeding too much, our relationship hasn’t been great in general for the last couple of years. Lots of arguments and fall outs. I’m constantly irritable and snappy. In my defence it’s because I’m shattered. DS1 is autistic and DS2 has a heart condition and got very unwell for the first year of his life. I feel like everything has taken a huge toll on me and I think DH believes that a more regular sex life will improve our relationship as a whole but he doesn’t see that the lack of libido is something that’s out of my control at the moment. I genuinely WANT to want to have sex. And I feel that stopping breastfeeding will help so I need to seriously sort this out. I have told DH that breastfeeding causes lack of libido but he didn’t believe me and wouldn’t google it either.

You are very normal. Based on my own experience I don't think you have to give up breastfeeding altogether but he needs to start helping at night. This is likely to help your sex drive return because the hormones created by bf so much will dip, that's what happened for me anyway. I would recommend the book Come as You Are but give it to him to read and tell him that one of your decelerators is being exhausted so you need to work on you getting more sleep and support from him. I would always get a lie in whenever possible when I was breastfeeding at night.