Breastfeeding and no sex drive - DH annoyed

[Snowdrop80]

Since having DS2 my sex drive has pretty much disappeared and I don’t really know why. From what I’ve read online I think it could be hormone/breastfeeding related. DS is 21 months and he still breastfeeds frequently especially during the night. I don’t really want to continue anymore but DH hasn’t been very helpful with the weaning process, he has never got up with him during the night and tried to resettle him. He always says he will but then when it comes to it, he doesn’t.

I can tell DH’s feelings have been hurt in the past when he’s tried to initiate sex and I don’t reciprocate, so then we don’t do it. He always tells me it’s fine but I know I need to put in more effort.
Last night he tried again at 22:30, and I said no and that I just wanted to watch some tv and go to sleep. He then started having a go at me, saying I have no interest in him at all, he feels bad for ever initiating sex because I always act annoyed about it, that this isn’t a relationship anymore because I give him no sexual satisfaction at all and that I am abnormal. I was taken aback and felt awful but also annoyed because DH has a habit of never communicating how he is feeling about things then blows up when it gets too much.

It isn’t that it’s only DH I’m not sexually attracted to, I don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone right now. I feel touched out by the end of the day from the kids and I’m exhausted. I want to have a sex drive again but it just isn’t there right now. I think to move forward from this I’m just going to have to pretend that it is and initiate sex. We never had sex much before DS2 - probably about once a week but now it’s only about once a month. The only time I ever feel up to it is during ovulation.

Am I abnormal? Is this normal after having kids and breastfeeding? I’m worried our relationship is on the line because of this.

So he’s not actually doing anything to help or support you in any way, he’s just adding a demand to the list of your duties? Do you think more sex is what will magically heal your relationship? What do you need from him and does he have any interest in listening to it?

If you’re terrified and don’t want this you need to do something about it. Knock the BF on the head. Your child is nearly 2! He in turn needs to step up and be a parent. Neither of you is 100% to blame but you need to work as a team to save this.

So you are getting up several times a night to tend your child, who has a heart condition. You are also looking after your older child who is autistic. Your husband gets a full night sleep every night, and gets annoyed when you don't want sex late evening, when you have the night shift to do (which he refuses to do)?

And he got annoyed at not having sex during pregnancy as it caused bleeds? Is his penis more important than the health of your child or you?

You don't have a sex problem. Your husband has an attitude problem.

Yes, 21 month of broken sleep will torpedo your libido. What is he really expecting from you?

Totally agree that communication is key here, although unfortunatly it sounds as though that is all on you as well :(

Calling you abnormal isn't OK, neither is not stepping up with parenting during the nighttime hours.

I can understand his frustration at his marriage descending into sexless (I would NOT be OK with that at all), but he needs to accept his responsibility in creating a marriage where you feel supported enough to get your sex life back on track.

THIS! All of this. I'm agog at reading that this man is pissed off at no sex when his wife is holding the fort with two very young children who each have additional needs.

Your 'D'H needs to realise that there are two parents in the house and step up. If he doesn't then your marriage won't survive the resentment he causes, let alone a lack of sex.

It's totally normal but if you want to keep your marriage you do need to address it. Maybe you should stop the feeding now and get back to some kind of normality. It's important for your relationship to have time out together

So we know what your DH thinks will improve the relationship but what do you - because I think at the moment it is a relationship because he doesn’t help and you are getting more and more tired - you need his help as well so tell him that

You say you want to stop bf? So find a day and that’s the day you will stop. Make sure he is on board with this and will be supportive. If you need his help for this in the night, wake him up and remind him. Work on this together with the end goal being you will have a sex life again (although I either wouldn’t tell him that or else make it clear he isn’t to pressure you at the end of it, just in case you decide you don’t want sex afterwards).

do not do this
you will get mastitis

if you want to give up bf do it slowly and tell your DP that you can't do that alone- he will need to be comforting your baby for at least some of the night feeds, and offering a bottle. At 21 months baby can get all their nutritional needs from ordinary food, bf is for comfort and immune factors- if you slowly phase out night feeds you can if you wish keep 1 or 2 feeds a day (say bedtime or first thing)

Absolutely normal. My second is nearly 17 months old and still breastfeeding constantly. DH and I have had sex ONCE since ds2 was born and that was because I actually wanted to! My DH puts no pressure on me at all, he knows it breastfeeding related and one day my sex drive will come back properly. Your DH is being a prick putting pressure on you

Exactly all of this.
May I just add, I have never been that much into sex. No kids. At 42, I stopped altogether,
the word "sex" just turns my stomach.
After a frank talk with my husband,
where I offered to leave, we both decided that sex isn't worth destroying 20 years of happy marriage.
And of course, with him being three decades older, albeit very healthy, I doubted he would want me to go.
This is just not on, given the OP's circumstances.

He sounds like a whiney little twat.