Friends Husband

[Concernedchilli]

Hi All, its a long one strap yourselves in!!

So I have a Mum friend of about 6 years we are in a group of 7 couples all know eachother very well think mums nights ouy, dads nights out all celebrate birthdays, kids stuff all togethet blah blah blah.

Friend A has a husband of 19 years teenage sweethearts, he is odd!! The men and women all think it. She is very closed off about their relationship doesnt divulge much when everyone else is chatting about husbands relationships on girls nights BUT he is apparently very open about it on lads nights.

My husband and I tell eachother most things about his group as we all know eachother well. The last 3 or 4 lad nights (they are monthly) my husband had told me Friend A's husband has been a real dick about Friend A behind her back, calling her a fat cow, ugly bitch, shes really let herself go, he wouldnt fuck her even if she wanted too but she hasnt touched him in 2 years, his hand does a better job than that fat bitch ever did, hes glad the kids sleep in with them gives him an excuse not to touch the mammoth etc.

Friend A is an absolute sweetheart, never complains about arsehole husband (has alluded to lack of sex when girls chatting). My husband and apparently other husbands were appauld by this but didnt know what to say (so didnt say anything let arsehole rant). I feel like she deserves to know what hes saying behind her back but could never tell her face to face as would ruin the group. Wwyd?? Aibu keeping my mouth shut?? Shes my friend??

Personally I couldn’t bear to tell someone something like that. It could make her suicidal. If it was me I would just sit on the information but be extra, extra supportive to her.

I wouldn’t say anything in a group setting. Maybe go for a coffee with her and bring up some husband chat. See if she volunteers anything.

She probably knows how he talks about her and isn’t ready to do anything about it with young children.

You can’t say you know anything without causing problems for your DH and the wider group.

I wouldn’t tell her. Her husband’s comments are horribly cruel. I would support her to find a way out of the marriage because he’s an utter twat and she deserves better.

I used to have a group of mum friends and the dads all got along as well, but we socialised together as couples.

I would imagine she is well aware of his feelings towards her. He sounds vile, and if he's happy to speak about her like this to his friends/out in public I'm sure he's awful behind closed doors too.

I would be definitely be extra supportive and let her know that you are there as a friend to listen to her if she ever wants to chat about anything. Try and open up the conversation and make sure that she is ok.

Don’t tell her. I’m sure she already knows. Just be a super supportive friend (it sounds like you are anyway! You seem lovely 🙂). Be there for her when/if it comes to a head.

the problem is how on earth could you tell her this? It’s SO hurtful and she would not thank you for it!

Can you try make an effort to see her 1 on 1 more often, built the relationship up so she knows she will have your support of she ever next to talk about this terrible man she's married to? If he's talking about her like that to friends he is probably saying much worse to her at home.

Me and Friend A are not the closest in the group of 7 im much closer to 2 other ladies (I wonder whether i should ask them if theyv'e heard anything from their hubands but wonder where that will lead) she in turn is closer to 2 others in the group but much more intorverts.not going to stir the pot and im not sure if these ladies husbands would have said anything to them anyway.

Its a tough one, i know how men talk but this is over the line to a group of friends and id be horrified if my DH spoke about me this way. Would i want to know??

I would encourage your husband (and for him to encourage the other husbands) to call him out on these vile comments on the next night out. It must be really uncomfortable to listen to

This - i understand they were shocked initially but really they need to let him know it’s unacceptable and they don’t want to hear it. Men like that need to hear from other men that they are out of line. Are they planning to invite him to the next get together? Because that condones his behaviour.

Keep out of their business.

I think my husband and the others were hoping by their silence he would understand they all felt uncomfortable and he wouldnt keep bringing it up (this wasnt the case) arsehole husband seems to have a few beers and feels the need to rant (he doesnt have a wider group of friends unsuprisingly just 1 or 2) i think then men all feel like if they say something to him it could effect the wider group of their wives (women all much closer then the men we are going on holiday abroad talk everyday). Again its a tough one which is why im asking.

You wouldnt want to know if your partner spoke about you this way??

I think if any if those men are decent and actually good friends, they would call arsehole out. If the group rocks a bit then so be it. By not saying anything they are effectively showing each other no one has anyone's back. So the group isn't as close as you think it is really...

How sad some seem more bothered about keeping the "group " going than let this woman know what her hands is saying about her.

What do you think you’ll achieve by telling her?

I would suspect she’s pretty “closed off” for a reason. Humiliating her be repeating (second hand) what you’ve heard her husband say really isn’t going to change things.

Poor woman. I hope she manages to get away.

Why haven't the men including your husband, shut him down when he starts slagging off his wife?

All you'd be doing is letting her know that she is being gossiped about by you and your husband.

I think discussing it with your other friends makes you look like a gossip who loves a bit of drama.

You don't know her personal circumstances. She might be just putting up with it for the kids. A simple "X's husband isn't really our cup of tea" covers it off but don't go into why.

You need to keep your mouth shut about it - you will not be thanked.

Your DH needs to tell him to keep his mouth shut too

Dont do this.

Enlightenment! I worry shes staying because she feels she has too and has an unrealistic view of her husband. I hope her knowing the truth will bring her what she needs to leave!!

Agree with others. This is on the men to tell him his nasty misogynistic crap is unacceptable. She can’t be unaware of it, an arsehole of that magnitude won’t be covering it up well at home. You don’t need to worry about telling her how he talks about her, the men should be focussing on telling him how out of order he is for sharing such poisonous bile.

Don't say a word to her. But the other men ought to tell him to shut it.

It's not about not wanting to know. If she doesn't already know she could end up feeling humiliated that everyone knows what he is saying anyway and distance herself through embarrassment, then she'll be isolated. Just be the friend she is going to need when it inevitably falls apart and needs you to be there for her.

She is unlikely to leave and more likely to feel she can't hold her head up in public because she's now the fodder of the gossips.