Friends Husband

[Concernedchilli]

Hi All, its a long one strap yourselves in!!

So I have a Mum friend of about 6 years we are in a group of 7 couples all know eachother very well think mums nights ouy, dads nights out all celebrate birthdays, kids stuff all togethet blah blah blah.

Friend A has a husband of 19 years teenage sweethearts, he is odd!! The men and women all think it. She is very closed off about their relationship doesnt divulge much when everyone else is chatting about husbands relationships on girls nights BUT he is apparently very open about it on lads nights.

My husband and I tell eachother most things about his group as we all know eachother well. The last 3 or 4 lad nights (they are monthly) my husband had told me Friend A's husband has been a real dick about Friend A behind her back, calling her a fat cow, ugly bitch, shes really let herself go, he wouldnt fuck her even if she wanted too but she hasnt touched him in 2 years, his hand does a better job than that fat bitch ever did, hes glad the kids sleep in with them gives him an excuse not to touch the mammoth etc.

Friend A is an absolute sweetheart, never complains about arsehole husband (has alluded to lack of sex when girls chatting). My husband and apparently other husbands were appauld by this but didnt know what to say (so didnt say anything let arsehole rant). I feel like she deserves to know what hes saying behind her back but could never tell her face to face as would ruin the group. Wwyd?? Aibu keeping my mouth shut?? Shes my friend??

No don't gossip about her with the group. Tell your husband to shut him down next time he speaks like that.

I think you are very naive if that is what you think will happen @Concernedchilli.

Imagine how you’d feel if you were told by someone the most vile opinion someone had of you; and the multiply that by it being your husband doing it.

You have no idea why she’s staying. Nobody ever really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Ok so the majority seem to think i need to talk to my husband about this and for him to shut arsehole husband down.

I will talk with him this week when he is back from football holiday. My DH doesnt love arsehole husband and i think he feels like hes protecting me and my friendships so i dont think he will have a problem speaking his mind.

Maybe my DH told me because he wanted my encouragement for him to do so (he will not miss arsehole husbands friendship thats for sure as i said we all think he is very odd).

It’s highly unlikely in anyway that she thinks her marriage is a good one. I don’t think she is stupid. So no, I don’t think horrible information like this will serve any purpose than to make her feel terrible about herself. She will likely deal with her bad marriage when she’s ready to.

I think if he talks so disrespectful of her to your husband and Co., that he speaks and acts just as dreadfully to her face.
Do not say anything. Just be there for her. Be kind, help her see her self-worth.

If I was out with a group of blokes and one talked like that about his wife, I'd tell him to shut the fuck up.

I've pulled a twat like this up before. I didn't want to hear his crap. That idiot thought he was the big man. He wasn't. Just a mouthy low-life.

No, do not start gossiping about her to the others

Bro code 😂 I think husband and wife trumps this!

You dh and his mates should have a word with this sorry excuse for a dh.

While I agree she should know who she is married to, telling her would mean you would need to tell her the full details of everything he is saying which would be horrendous for her to hear. To just say "he is saying vile things about you" wouldn't work as she'd only demand details.

If he is going to be that vile about her behind her back, and she is guarded, I am going to assume he is probably like that to her face, so she probably is aware. Unless you know though, best not to say anything.

The one and only thing you can do really is ask your husband to call him out on it when he starts. If he is shut down by the lads he might stop it, however sadly that won't help your friend. Be extra supportive as sounds like she needs it, and might in the future. Poor woman.

I would imagine if he says it about her, then he says it to her. She obviously knows they aren't intimate anymore and she knows her husband is a twat. For whatever reason ( probably the kids ), she is choosing to stay with him. If you say anything to her, I think it would be really embarrassing for her and make her think it's the group gossip. As for your husband and his buddies, they should be telling him he's out of order and they don't want to listen to him slagging off his wife.

It should have been the men to call him out on it. It's understandable that he wanted to gossip about it to you, but then that's put you in an impossible situation. You don't know what options she has, and what she is able to do with the information. Not everyone is able to ltb.

I agree other husbands in the group need to call him out on it. By staying silent they are giving him free reign to continue talking like this.

I wouldn't say anything to her though. I'd imagine if he speaks about her like that, he's probably not very nice to her in their everyday life. Just carry on being a friend to her and be there if she should choose to confide or ask for help. Don't gossip about it to others in the group. I feel terribly sorry for her but can't imagine a scenario where you could bring this up and tell her what he said 😔

Husband not hands of course.

And what did your husband and the others do when it started coming out with this stuff. Just laugh along? Nod and agree? Or did someone actually challenge it?

Ah. The sacred bro code. What people mean when they say male violence against women and children is a scourge on society and men must speak up, is FUCK YOUR FUCKING BRO CODE. It’s killing women.

The husbands need to let the arsehole know that they are disgusted by the way he talks about his wife. It might not be his fault that they have grown apart but the way he thinks and talks about her is vile. I don't think you should talk to any of the other wives about this, they may all be uncomfortable that you and your DH share what has been said on these nights out (I don't think that there is anything wrong with this, by the way). You just need to make sure that your friend feels supported, not gossiped about.

If he has said it once, he will say it again. So now how will the husband's react?

I’m just shocked all the husbands don’t shut him down when he speaks like this about his wife. She he runs his gob like this and all the husbands just listen, wow!

I don't think the onus is on you, although it's horrible knowledge for you to have to sit on.

What I'd be more gobsmacked about is why none of the men on that night out told him to wind his neck in, and not speak ill of his wife in front of them, when presumably they are all friends with her too?