If you’re over 60 and a mother

[MaryMaryVeryContrary]

What advice would you give to mums now? Be as honest as you like (and hopefully nobody will take offence as I’ve asked!).

My mum hasn’t been in my life for many years and my colleagues etc are mainly polite so wouldn’t share a very honest opinion probably. I’m just curious!

I'm 54 and I'd say look after yourself and your own needs too. Listen to your kids, support them, let them be who they are, of course of course of course. But my children are 18 and 21 and I wish I had more to show for life than a very ordinary job and two kids who are always out.

Don't google everything! I had my children in the late eighties and I'm so grateful that it wasn't around then. I'm a real worrier and having a great health visitor, a lovely group of fellow mums around me and my mum was what I needed to ask advice and share concerns.
Also recognise that children haven't got to be busy all the time. Downtime is just as important.
Finally be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up every time something doesn't go to plan. It's life!

Depends on ages, but generally:

Put the phones/tablets away. Talk to and play with the DC instead. Or make them use their imagination and learn to entertain themselves and find things to do/games to play.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Parenting is hard sometimes so just do your best. And don't compare your DC's progress with what other parents say their DC could do at the same age. They're all different.

If I had to offer one piece of advice it would be: listen and really hear what they've got to say.

Keep your foot in the workplace and get your career back on track when you can. Even if your husband/partner says all the right things, becoming long-term financially reliant on them chips away at your self-esteem and your status in the eyes of your family.

not everything needs to look and be perfect all the time- house, kids, what you’re wearing, eating, activities - it’s real life not instagram
if it’s a choice between playing or tidying make it playing every time
save looking at your phone for when the kids are asleep

2 things -
'Compare and despair '
and
'Pick your battles '.

Remember that whatever you are finding challenging about your child, it is just a phase and they will grow out of it, so try to chill!
When you are concerned you might not be producing enough milk and are thinking about topping your baby up with formula, top yourself up instead with a plate of sandwiches!
Don't feel you have to entertain your child all the time, boredom is good!
They can sit in a buggy without a device to entertain them. They need to watch the world go by, it helps them understand how our society works!

I’m 64 and my DC are late 20s

Put the phone away and talk to your baby

When they’re 2 and a bit you can toilet train them

Colouring in is great fun

Don't think you need everything top of the range- second hand can be great -

Don't panic if your kids tend to go through foody fads

Comparison is the thief of joy- don't feel your children have to be doing this or that at identical stages to others.

Most of all dont make your partner (if you have one) and children your whole life- although appreciate it feels that way for a very long while. Your wants, needs, friends and careers matter too-

Make things fun. Laugh and play. Talk to them with respect. Pick your battles.

I would say play with your children, talk to them and spend as much quality time with them as you can. In years to come they will remember the good fun times you had but I guarantee they will not remember wether the house was a bit dusty or untidy.
Talking to my now adult children it’s not the expensive days out they remember but making dens under the table and picnics in the woods.

Talk to your children. It's how they learn to talk.

If you take them out for a meal- interact with them. Talk to them - play games, entertain them with colouring books and little toys.

If they are in the buggy- talk to them- point out stuff in the environment. Ducks, dogs , birds, trees etc.

Read to them from very young -point out pictures in the books- ask them to find things in the pictures. Take them to the library.

In conclusion- DO NOT USE A SCREEN AS A BABY SITTER , TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN AND GET OFF YOUR BLOODY PHONE!!!!

Put some priority to your relationship with your partner, one day your children will leave and you don’t want to feel that the only thing you have in common with them is your children.
Don't fret over little things, your children won’t remember if the house was tidy but they will remember you read to and played with them.
Be generous with your love, tell your children how much you love them and how proud you are of them.
Never, never use your children to hurt others but always move from what is in their best interests.
You are not their friend, remember that.
Treasure every moment, they grow up so fast.

I'm going to repeat pp:
Read to them every night. Actively talk and listen to them every day. A bit of mess doesn't matter.
You'll make mistakes, don't be too hard on yourself.
Pick your battles.

Tell them you love them.

It must be so hard now with social media and the internet.

Talk, read, listen, play.

I'm 60, my three boys are late 20s to early 30s.

Talk to them, keep the buggy facing towards you for as long as you can so they can see you, and chat to them when you're out and about.

Read to them, bedtime stories are important.

Listen to them, get to know them.

What they need most from you is your time. Have fun together.

Toilet train between two and two and a half, it's the age toddlers most like to please you. Book a week off work and concentrate on just that for a week. 'Waiting until they are ready' is nonsense.

Teens still need you even when they are pushing every one of your buttons. Tell them you love them, hug them regularly and pick your battles.

Keep your relationship with your partner, if you have one, alive. They are there long after the children leave.

Don’t worry about the housework.

Find things in common with your children and share those interests. It will keep them talking when the teen years hit.

Be there and listen. They need that above everything.

As PP above - I would also add - your children only want your love and attention. Marry before you have them - unless you are independently wealthy. Always earn your own money and pay into a pension.

Spend as much time as you can with them, blink and they’re adults. Try and see the world through their eyes, talk to them, bring out their sense of humour, love them and make them feel safe. Read with them, letting your finger follow the words, sing and dance with them. The list is endless really.

Someone said this to me many years ago when I was pregnant with my first - Imagine how you think your life will be with a child. Then accept that is going to be absobloodylutely nothing like that for the foreseeable future!

Also when you are pacing the floor in the wee small hours with your baby, be grateful you know where they are/who they are with and what they are putting into their bodies!

Keep talking to them, listen, don't micromanage. Lead by example, don't tell them off for smoking/drinking/ eating crap, if they see you doing it.

I feel quite reassured reading the responses (thanks very much!). We read to them a lot, eat every meal at the dining table so we can chat, screen use is v limited - no tablets and about 30 mins of CBeebies a day. Where I fall down is the patience, all it takes is a few bad nights sleep and I’m a snappy impatient horror. I worry they will remember this but my patience is worn so thin as I haven’t slept properly and consistently for years.

@MaryMaryVeryContrary yep , impatient and exhausted sounds about right
I remember saying to my mum ( born in 1940 and had 3 DDs before she was 24 ) that all I’d done was say NO to DS one day , and she shrugged and said well think of something nice to say to him then
So I did , that made things a lot better

the main thing is spend time with them , love them and make them feel special
I’m financially screwed ( though retired and living off savings ) as I didn’t go back to work , because we didn’t have all the free hours childcare you get now , but hey , I have a great relationship with both my DC and that makes it worthwhile ….. though that round the world cruise I always fancied ……

I just qualify - I'm 60 and have two teenagers, though one just about to leave home.

I think my advice for first-time new mums would be: this is bloody knackering and you have to take care of yourself. It's OK not to enjoy it all - children bring great joy but it's like the odd nugget of gold amid seas of drudgery. Enjoy the gold and accept that it's through the drudgery that we truly become mothers.

For mums of primary school kids I'd say: they are not you and they are not your shopfront to the world. Don't live through your kids, don't expect them to think or feel like you, accept they are on their own path.

For parents of teens I'd say: understand that you are losing control; the aim is to cede that control gradually and without doing harm. Keep expressing your love. Have empathy, even when they are being ghastly: teen life is the pits.

For wannabe parents I'd say: there is no greater asset than a mature, responsible and supportive partner. Choose wisely (I wish I had).