If you’re over 60 and a mother

[MaryMaryVeryContrary]

What advice would you give to mums now? Be as honest as you like (and hopefully nobody will take offence as I’ve asked!).

My mum hasn’t been in my life for many years and my colleagues etc are mainly polite so wouldn’t share a very honest opinion probably. I’m just curious!

This is a lovely, and really useful thread. Don't have much of a relationship with my "D"M so thank you for your words of wisdom DMumsnetters

Children respond to realistic boundaries that are adhered to - they'll feel safe and loved.

With your help, your little people will grow up to be respected and respectful adults so you can't always be their bezzy mate.

They'll remember the fun times you had together and not what you bought them or whether their room was tidy.

I wish I'd spent more time enjoying mine!

If I could have one day back in the past with my now grown up kids, I would spend the whole day cuddling them, playing with them and treasuring every moment. And I'd tell them how much I loved them. Just wish I could.

When they’re old enough, give them chores, set the table etc. I did too much for them. (They are lovely, though). Don’t travel abroad until they are properly able to participate and enjoy it. Enjoy it, childhood goes fast.

I'm 66 and DC are 26 and 28.
Remember that the part of your life rearing children is only about 20 years so make the most of it. I had nearly 40 years before DC and they had left home 18/20 years later. That's not to say parenting ends at 18 but just to illustrate that the child rearing stage is a small but wonderful fraction of your life.

Be there for them, not just when they are babies but well into teens. They still need you to teach them things as teenagers it might be how to keep safe on a night out rather than how to tie shoelaces.
Looking back at the ages 2 to 10, more fun was had building dens with tables than with expensive toys.
Before you say no to something think about it. Could you say yes? Perhaps a little compromise?
Talk to them all the time from being babies. I found this hard because I'm not a talker but I got better at it.
I had my children in the 90s so they were not exposed to mobile phones when little, never saw me looking at a screen. By the early 2000s that started to change and we had computers and games consoles but they didn't really have smartphones until maybe 14+. I suspect this is one of the greatest differences to having children now.

You are not their friend . You're their parent . Make sure that they know that no means no and say it . Make them earn their pocket money by doing jobs about the house . Instil a love of books and impress the importance of education.

Lots of good advice here.

Also, a family is not a democracy and never forget that you're the adult. But pick your battles wisely. Don't get into conflict about small things. Make sure your household rules are limited to the important ones, are clearly understood, and are enforceable.

100% get off your phone and engage with your child. Talk to them and more importantly listen to them. Don’t compare them to other children their age. Eat dinner altogether at the table.

I'd echo most of what other posters have already said. My 10 year old granddaughter recently said to me that she liked being with me the most because, among other things, I wasn't looking at my phone all the time and I played with her. Children want and need attention, they need to feel important and as if they matter.
Remember that at occasionally, at various stages, despite loving your child you may not like them much, or rather their behaviour. This is likely to be in the teen years and I think it's ok to say that they are disappointing you at those times.
Praise and encourage at all stages, even when they are adults.
Have high expectations of behaviour and achievement and teach them how to aim high and to want high standards for themselves. Give them a good work ethic from a young age, from a young age teach them that hard work and doing well at school and beyond will open up doors to success.
Teach them resilience, not everything works out how you want, but you have to keep trying and thinking of alternative ways to achieve.
Teach them about delayed gratification. Not everything good can happen instantly, things like doing well at school and university or at sport or music can take long periods of hard work before good results are obtained.
If they work hard at school and the "cool kids" are calling them a swot, tell them to take it as a compliment, they'll be successful and the name callers likely won't.
Teach them to be their own person and be true to themselves, they don't have to follow the crowd.

I would say to remember that everyone else is winging it too, however capable they might seem.

Trust your instincts, they have served Mums for many generations long before google existed and are generally right.

Spend time with your kids . Introduce them to nature, books, music, sport, hobbies, art, film, theatre. Don't let them hide in their rooms with screens and Internet until they are 15/16 or later. Teach them how to converse.

Always make time for you.
Listen to, read to and play with your children.
Get a pension organised for yourself... start small but regular.
Dont make your kids everything in your life, they will leave at some point and your world will not end.
Let them learn to cope with being bored when they are young without tablets, phones etc... reading, crafts, art, music.
24/7 entertainment does them no favours.
Teach resilience early.
And its okay to be different... different is good.
And let No... mean NO!

I’m not that age, but mine would be:
Everything is just a phase (aka “This too shall pass”)

I am not 60, heading in my late forties with 2 kids at uni and my advice would be:

Enjoy your kids whilst they are little

and

To the women, make sure you keep your financial independence, don’t rely on someone else to pay your bills as you never know what is around that corner

My 2 are in their 30s now, and I look back on their pre-teen years with a lot of nostalgia for the wonderful times we spent as a family. Just normal stuff like watching films together, mealtimes, sleepovers, long chats, days out etc. I was so happy then.
My advice is to always listen, don’t sweat the small stuff, respect their views and their rights to privacy, be fair, and have fun together.
Look after yourself. Find ways to get a break, no matter how small; - as others above have said - be as financially independent as possible; and keep learning.
Invest in your marriage/partnership if you have one.
It doesn’t feel like it now, but these years will fly by. Lay the foundations now for your long term family relationships and you’ll all benefit in the future.