Is this just banter or was I reasonable feel a bit belittled?

[LakeDee]

I'm out of this relationship a little while, but my self-esteem was low at the end so I'm not sure if this is normal banter in a relationship? He ended it coldly, said some hurtful things.

During the relationship, I often felt inferior to him, eg he'd quiz me on things he knew more about - poetry, music, for example, "who sang this song, who's this poet? Surely you know this one?" This was sometimes in front of others, once almost made me cry, but I'm not sure if I was being a bit sensitive. He never complimented my cooking, but praised his own no end; said my bed and bathroom was too small (we didn't live together) . These are just a few examples, but he had a good side too.

He fell out with a work colleague once and the colleague called my ex arrogant - this makes me think maybe I'm not being unreasonable, but looking back on the relationship, I now wonder why I stayed in it and why I didn't end it, not him.

AIBU - I'm too sensitive?
AINBU - Anyone would find this a bit belittling?

The question is why did you stay in a relationship with this bore?

So he was trying to put you down in front of others (don't you know this poet?) by making himself look more knowledgeable? How old was he, 14?
No, adults don't do that to their friends or partners. The only thing wrong here is that you didn't roll yours eyes and tell him to grow up. You're out of it now - be grateful he's not around to bring you down! Deep breath, big smile, and get on with your life xx

He sounds dreadful. Congratulations on being free of him!

No it’s not banter. He was going out of his way to belittle and humiliate you. Asking you questions when he knew you wouldn’t know the answer. He sound like an arrogant, insufferable prick. You’re well rid.

He was doing it deliberately! It's great that you are rid of him and know to avoid people like that in the future.

Thanks, all... good to know I'm not just being too sensitive.

i wonder if you were seeing my ex! I had one just like that thought he was superior in every way, your not too sensitive I thought that about myself too but after
we split up I soon came to realise that everyone in my family /friendship group thought he was an arrogant cockwomble and were relieved when we split up .

Yes, mine also thought he was superior, great at everything really and could never admit or apologise if he was in the wrong

I'd think of it as a lucky escape. It sounds like he was in competition with you to be 'better'. He sounds like a teenager... childish and immature.

Of course it's belittling. He sounds like a right twat and you are well rid of him.

I am so glad you are away from this man. What low self-esteem he must have to ask you questions that he knows you can't answer in order to feel important himself.

You are so lucky to be away from him now. He'll be shining a light in some other woman's eyes right now, interrogating her about her intellect. What a complete prick he is.

He's a twat. Well done for getting rid of him

He was far from a teenager... he's 50!

I thought maybe he was in his 20s. Lucky escape for you. This is how he is and won't change now.

My ex was the same with belittling questions. That, along with many other red flags, revealed he's a narcissist. The coldness you mention is an indicator, too.
They do leave you questioning yourself, even when you know you've done nothing wrong or that things didn't happen the way they make out they did (to excuse their awful behaviour). I found that questioning myself actually got worse after I left, weirdly.
Look up the definition of narcissist/emotional abuse, and I suspect you'll recognise many other behaviours.
They're dangerous people who destroy others. Glad you're out of it.

Ok so banter between my husband and I would go something like...
"You know that poet?"
"Course I do, the one that wrote the thing!"
"Yeah that one... what's his name?"
"Argy-bargy McSnorkleface"
"Oh not him, I think he wrote that other one... this was his cousin, William Shakespeare. McSnorkleface was probably better though."
"Dunno why that Shakespeare bloke was so famous"
"Yeah popular culture, no taste for the finer things, eh?"

We have a weird sense of humour, admittedly, but nobody is being belittled. Everyone is keeping it light and fun. And when we're with friends we know which friends will get it and join in, and which ones we tone it down with - but we're always a team.

Your man-thing was a dud.

OP, you were not being sensitive at all. Your ex sounds like an insufferable arse. You've had a lucky escape. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, hold your head up high.

I spoke to a therapist - as I couldn't get around the way he'd discarded me and what he said when breaking up - who also suggested narcissism due to what I told her, how belittling, and how cold he was at the end. She helped me realise I've had a lucky escape.

Glad you spoke to somebody about it. Be glad he's somebody else's problem in tbe future.

It's me again, and probably need a bit of sense talked into me, but I've recently heard he's got a new girlfriend, even though I haven't heard anything about what he's up to really, until now. I don't know why, but I feel a bit down about this even though I can see now I'd a lucky escape. He's had a lot of girlfriends over the years... I thought I was different, but it turned out not. He told me he didn't love me in tbe end.

I'm thinking maybe he's finally found the one, in his early 50s.

Is it normal to feel like this when you hear an ex has moved on?

It’s not unusual to feel a little jealous and rejected when an ex has moved into someone new.

However, remember how he made you feel - undermined, belittled. His critical nature won’t have changed. Maybe grieve the life you thought you were having, give yourself a bit of tlc, then crack open the Prosecco and toast your lucky escape.

Good advice - thank you.

Ugh he sounds awful and no this isn’t “banter” he was just trying to put you down.
i loathe people who belittle others then make them doubt themselves by passing it off as “a joke” you’re well rid of him Op.

With the mentality of a teenager though, by the sounds of it.