H Refuses to accept separation and divorce

[Toomanylosthours]

The straw broke the camels back yesterday. I woke at 2am Saturday to find H so inebriated that he couldn't lock the front door. I then woke at 5.00am to find he'd crawled into bed covered in his own urine. The house was trashed with rubbish and alcohol bottles everywhere, there was a brown mark I can only guess to be excremement on the toilet seat, his urine soaked jeans at the bottom of the stairs. To top it off I discovered he'd pissed over my office chair and left a puddle of urine in my office. He denied this was urine suggesting it was a prank and various other excuses.

I've now packed a bag and left. I don't care about the mess. I care that he'd got himself in such a state that he pissed himself and then went onto deny it. Its the urine that had tipped this over the edge!

We are not a couple of teenagers. He is early 50s and I'm mid 40s. No kids between us and none at home.

AIBU with my reaction to leave?

How do you come back from this behaviour? I'm disgusted. The urine is a whole new thing. How do you come back from someone trying so hard to convince you they're right that you begin to doubt yourself despite the evidence

I should have added. I told him this morning I want a divorce. His response was very much we both need to be in agreement for divorce and financial separation

How do you come back from this behaviour? I'm disgusted. The urine is a whole new thing. How do you come back from someone trying so hard to convince you they're right that you begin to doubt yourself despite the evidence

This type of behaviour is called gaslighting and is a form of abuse.

I don't think there is any coming back from it to be honest.

Has he always been unable to handle a drink?

I am going to suggest this is the final straw so absolutely you are not unreasonable .

Well bloody done op. Don't look back. My exh used to wee in the wardrobe every Sunday night. Barely ever worked a Monday... In time lost his licence drink driving.. That's when I filed for divorce.. And it was me that reported him. No regrets.

That agreement can come at a later date. It's better to be the one filing for divorce as you get to control the process. He is probably still a bit drunk, so don't bother to argue with him. Once the legal papers drop onto the doormat it will concentrate his mind. If you genuinely can't get agreement then the Judge will decide.

Yeah, no you don't. Only one person needs to want a divorce in order for it to go ahead.

You don't have to come back from it. Just plan and organise next steps.

He talks bollocks

He doesn't have to agree anything.
Get your paperwork together.
Seek legal advice.
Get rid of this disgusting loser.

No fault divorce has changed this now. Just file.

It's much cheaper and easier if you both agree. The law has changed since I got divorced, but definitely the less back and forth between solicitors etc, the cheaper it will be. Having a period of time between separation and divorce may allow emotions to settle a bit.

This may not be the case, but for me it was.

This is gross behaviour from your DH. He is struggling with alcoholism and is currently at a functional alcoholic level, but it will get worse.

Leave, don't go back, don't help. You have a whole life ahead of you

You do not need to be in agreement to divorce. It would be easier and less paperwork but no, you are fully entitled to divorce him.

How financially independent are you?

This is the thing. If he digs his heels in we both stand to lose a lot financially. It's the arrogance and stubbornness that's driven us apart and he will continue to behave that way

I work, mid to high earner. We were just about to be mortgage free. That all goes out the window but hey. Much better to be happy

Your posts seem to suggest that waiting won't make any difference because he isn't going to accept you divorcing him whether or not he's sober. So just go ahead and do it. The financial hit will be worth it to be free of him.

His response was very much we both need to be in agreement for divorce and financial separation

Nope. In England and Wales it's even no fault now so you don't have to give reasons such as adultery or unreasonable behaviour.

The actual divorce is easy and online so you can start it today. It costs just under £600. Go to the government.uk website and the steps/links are there. The finance side is a little bit trickier. Obviously it's cheaper if you both agree, its also cheaper if you go for mediation instead of straight to solicitors but a judge can force a sale of a house so he can't continue to refuse that either. It just costs time and money.

Good luck OP. Find out his and joint assets, value the house and pay for a one off consultation with a solicitor so you understand your financial position more. Then decide.

I told him this morning he was gas lighting me
Which...
Surprise surprise he denied

What a pity you didn't film his mess.

Thank you, fortunately I'm aware of the financials. Theres nothing hidden there. The house has a buyer as we are due to move but now he is threatening to stop the sale because I've said I want to cancel the purchase of the new house and proceed go financial separation. He apparently isn't ready and wants time to think! Should have thought about that before his Friday antics in my option. He is also telling me to split the dogs they're so close, one wad purchased for me as a gift, the 2nd was purchased because I wanted a 2nd. He doesn't have anyone to look after them. Works away half the week and clearly cannot even look after himself. He is doing this out of spite.

I think he'll do it again! OP next time record it !

He doesn't have to agree. It is easier and will be quicker if he does, but there's plenty of time. I'd just crack on, if I were you. Book an hour with a solicitor to go through everything. Get all your paperwork in order. File for divorce asap.

He's a disgusting, gas lighting pig and he won't change.

Are the dogs chips in your name?

I think one is his

You need to time it right then. How involved is he in the house sales? Like the paperwork. Can you pull out of the purchase without him knowing? My ex couldn't even tell you what solicitor we were using.

Go back. Say you want to work on it. Let your house sell. Make sure you pack your stuff separately. Instruct the solicitor of both your bank accoints for the proceeds to be split into. Inform him that you pulled out of the purchase and leave with your stuff.

You could pull off the easiest greatest escape ever if you're clever with your timing.

Then the divorce and financial settlement will be so much easier becuase you're not fighting for your money.

You've got to at least try. How long till completion?