H Refuses to accept separation and divorce

[Toomanylosthours]

The straw broke the camels back yesterday. I woke at 2am Saturday to find H so inebriated that he couldn't lock the front door. I then woke at 5.00am to find he'd crawled into bed covered in his own urine. The house was trashed with rubbish and alcohol bottles everywhere, there was a brown mark I can only guess to be excremement on the toilet seat, his urine soaked jeans at the bottom of the stairs. To top it off I discovered he'd pissed over my office chair and left a puddle of urine in my office. He denied this was urine suggesting it was a prank and various other excuses.

I've now packed a bag and left. I don't care about the mess. I care that he'd got himself in such a state that he pissed himself and then went onto deny it. Its the urine that had tipped this over the edge!

We are not a couple of teenagers. He is early 50s and I'm mid 40s. No kids between us and none at home.

AIBU with my reaction to leave?

How do you come back from this behaviour? I'm disgusted. The urine is a whole new thing. How do you come back from someone trying so hard to convince you they're right that you begin to doubt yourself despite the evidence

Oh and obviously secretly line yourself up a rental for moving day. Chuck the dogs in your car while he's still dumbstruck and move into your new house.

It would be bloody impressive but there's a chance you can pull this off.

I moved out of my house before my ex knew we were separating. As did my DP actually. Both were abusive. She was still complaining about how much junk he had in the house when he'd already secretly moved all his possessions out of the house.

No you don’t.

You can divorce this pisser without his permission, and if it makes him sad, well maybe he won’t fuck it up with his next wife.

To top it off I discovered he'd pissed over my office chair and left a puddle of urine in my office.

I doubt this is a coincidence. He’s shown you what he thinks of you by deliberately pissing on your workspace while he was drunk. And now he’s lying about it, which shows that he probably remembers why he did it and knows he needs to hide that from you.

Pull out of the purchase and file for divorce. You don’t need his agreement to get the ball rolling.

You need to let him reach his rock bottom. That won't happen whilst you are around to give the veneer of a life that he's in control of.

Would his job like to know that his wife is divorcing him because he is a raving alcoholic who pisses everywhere and trashes his home?
If he wants to play dirty, tell him you are well able to match it. Is he driving the morning after he is in that condition?
If so, report him.

He is involved in the house sale.

I don't think he is a raving alcoholic. He has an addictive personality. He has the inability to have one biscuit but must eat the entire pack. If he diets its full starvation. It's very much an all or nothing personality.

In relation to his work, there is no way I'd ever cross that boundary. What he has done has left me feeling disgusted. The denial has infuriated me. I wouldn't go out to ruin his career. I think me leaving would be sufficient hurt for him. He is genuinely remorseful now. But for me, it's too little too late. No point apologising for his act and drinking heavily. That doesn't touch the surface of the apology he owes me. The stress abd upheaval. He has ruined my weekend. I've lost trust in whe he says as he was so intent on trying to persuade me he hasn't pissed himself.

No he didn't drive. He wouldn't dare. He knows I'd have reported him to the police without a 2nd thought. We are both against drink driving

That is absolute nonsense. If you have reached the point of no return and want a divorce go ahead. There is nothing he can do to stop it under the new legislation.

Has he done this kind of thing before OP?

If you are (financially) able to, please leave.
I cannot describe to you the relief, freedom and joy of retaining (and returning to) a clean home, however modest, but just yours.
Full stop. 😊

And this 👆

Never before. He claims to have been trying to understand what happened as he'd never done it before hence the denial. Either way an apology isn't working this time..

What a dirty bastard.

Sounds awful @Toomanylosthours , no one needs a man who comes home this drunk and trashes the house. Telling you you need his agreement for divorce is daft, he wants to carry on regardless but the law is on your side. When he's sober he'll be sorry but don't let him sway you, enough is enough

Don’t be ridiculous Fred. I am disgusted by your behaviour and your refusal to recognise what you did.
You have the choice of divorcing amicably and maximising our assets, or divorcing acrimoniously and having to pay off two sets of lawyers.

Have you been to see a solicitor? He has more to lose than you, and he knows it, because you will be happy without him.

Await the suspicion he was spiked....

You said : I don't think he is a raving alcoholic

I say again: he is a functioning alcoholic, this isn't going to get any better, only worse. Who, with any ounce of self-respect, or respect for you, gets in that kind of state in their 50's?

He is finally taking accountability for what happened . He is now experiencing the embarrassment and is obviously now feeling sorry for himself as he is alone! Has apologised profusely.

I've told him I don't know how we'd come back from this. It's the denial, the avoidance of accepting his wrong doing etc that has caused the biggest problem.

The annoying thing is. We have our standard marital ups and downs but apart from that generally about share of house work. He generally does take half the mental load, will drop work to take me to hospital appointments or care for his parents. This is why the events of Friday night are so shocking & disgusting. This isn't the man I married!

This is astute and worth remembering as you get a litany of excuses. Plan well, ignore the soft soap, crying and general manipulation which will go on and on because people who can’t regulate themselves sufficiently not to piss on their spouse’s work place or admit to it will not help at all. To do so would be to admit responsibility. So look after yourself because he will try a lot of emotional manipulation to avoid a divorce.

@Toomanylosthours - it has already started I see. He has apologized because it has cost him something. He did not respect you enough to admit what is obvious.

What he has done now is the bare minimum after a lot of strum und drang. Only you actually know if this is what he is usually like, but I suspect it’s not the only time.

Jeez OP, I can’t believe he did this to you and well done you on leaving!

Others have offered great advice here but I want to add (and I obviously don’t know you so discard if I am wrong) once your anger has subsided you may be prone to soften. Separations and divorces are hard emotionally and it’s always the easy option to give it another go to make the pain go away. Have you got a good support network in real life?

I believe he has apologised as he is potentially now sober. Yesterday I've no doubt he spent the entire day still pissed from the amount he'd drunk Friday night. I'm not in anyway ex using his behaviour. I'm beyond furious! I will however confirm this is the first I've know him do anything like this. He proclaims his denial is due to never having done this before.

What an awful experience @Toomanylosthours and I send you strength to get through it.

I can't see if this has been mentioned but did you clean up before you left or did you leave the mess? If the former, why? If the latter, has he cleaned it up yet? Properly? Though I suggest you insist he buys you a new office chair...

I didn't clean it, if it was just the empty bottles, cans, pizza boxes etc I'd have happily cleaned it whilst I was pottering in the kitchen. I didn't lift a finger to help him. It was beyond what I would clean. If he was ill I'd have cleaned but the aftermath of his drunken antics is a no go for me! I know he has aqua vac, disinfected my office and chair as well as cleaned the test of the house. Is it sufficient? I don't know as I haven't seen it. If I return home later this week and it isn't sufficient I will be purchasing myself a new chair and if necessary I will relocate him to my office!