I dread weekends

[dratdratdrat]

Two Dc. One is 6 and mostly a joy, I enjoy his company and we have a lot of fun together. The other is 2.5 and he is a fucking maniac and I do not enjoy his company and actively dread spending time with him.

I know i am being unreasonable btw.

He’s just SUCH hard work. He’s violent towards us all (inc pets) has an extreme need for control over everything, he's always shouting and/or crying. His sleep is shit, his eating is worse. He is extremely irritable and defiant. He won’t hold hands or listen to instructions and he will actively do the opposite of what you tell him in almost all situations.

Its at the point where I don’t want to leave the house with him. This is having a negative impact on my 6yo who should be out and about at the weekend, meeting friends for picnics and going to the zoo etc.

His development is normal and his 2year check was all fine, although I told the HV about his behaviour and I got “terrible twos” I personally believe there is more to it, do the terrible twos lead to you hating your life?

I’ve taken him to the GP to rule out anything physical/pain causing his behaviour and he’s perfectly healthy. He is an expert masker (i believe thats what it is) and he will always be super charming and sociable to strangers so the GP immediately dismissed me when I mentioned possible neurodivergence.

Honestly I am at my wits end with him. I even said to my husband I wish we’d never had him which I know is awful.

Any advice, anything at all, very much welcome.

Everything you describe sounds like Autism with a PDA profile. This is the most difficult age from my own experience. It got significantly easier with age when you can communicate more. The meltdowns should lessen. But you will have to parent differently to avoid problems for all of you.

I can see that trying to get a diagnosis at this point may be difficult and of no value. I wouldn't however listen to a GP, a health visitor or nursery worker on that subject tbh. You will know best if you research into it. Lots of helpful groups on FBook regards how to manage the different needs at this age. This stage is a huge blur for me.

Two year olds are awful in my opinion, still a baby but wanting to be a big boy. Give him time OP.

Honestly thats what we have been thinking too. we've thought he was wired differently since he was a baby but it is very very subtle so I don’t think anyone else gets the challenges we face.
Its interesting you say pursuing a diagnosis at this point would be difficult - can I ask why?

Sorry OP, I shouldn't let my experience cloud you. You may struggle to access assessment through the NHS system at this age.

From my experience, I think some may have attributed the behaviour to other things such as the terrible 2s, or just being young and having siblings.
It wasn't until age 8 that it was clear as day that something was going on but I was then refused an NHS assessment. Because again no one would back me up, even the school, GP was just not interested and tried to blame other factors.

We paid £2000 for a very detailed assessment including in school observation. The social differences are more apparent with age so this can help with meeting diagnostic criteria. But each child is different and it will no doubt be clear to an assessor even at this age. Unless it is very obvious ( which it often isn't to outsiders who love to blame parenting) you may be very frustrated trying to get anyone to listen in the public system.

A diagnosis has been incredibly worthwhile and validating in my experience for all people but especially my son.

My now 4 year old ds is exactly the same, he's on waiting list for ASD assessment. He is non stop doesn't need much sleep every attempt at a day out is exhausting. Our hv did a referral which was backed up by his pediatrician, however at nursery he is one of the most quiet children in there, won't play with other children, barely talks to staff ( lovely nursery he's been there over 3 years) outside nursery he is horrendous, still on reins as he's a runner, I often spend hours sat in the same small park with him and dd almost 6 as its the only place he manages to scoot round and round in. Keep going bk and I kept a diary of his behaviours, bed times ect.

following with interest as I'm having a similar ordeal with my 2.5 year old and feel at the end of my tether. I wish I could impart some helpful advice

I'm really sorry this is happening. If he's violent towards pets then you need to rehome them ASAP.

It won't help right now but this does get better. This age brought me to tears daily.

Can you video a play session/melt down/bedtime screams etc to show your Dr/HV?

My son is beautifully behaved for his grandparents and for his childminder. On holiday grandparents saw snippets of what we usually deal with though.

I can honestly handle the shit sleep and even the tantrums but it's this intense need for control I am really struggling with.

Yes I have been building a folder on my phone of his tantrums. I've stopped now though because it's basically 4/5 every day and it's pretty distressing to look back over.

Sorry to hear you're having a shit time. Do you suspect ND?

Thank you for this! It's very helpful. We are not really in a position to go private but we would find the money if we had to. What age was your child when you had the private assessment?

Before you go down the diagnosed problem route, how do you deal with the behaviour and tantrums?

Most diagnostic services would wait until at least three to diagnose asd. I think given that your dc does not seem to have any learning difficulties and can appear to be NT you may need to bide your time. However you can parent him with asd type techniques it won't harm and may help.

He was 9 years old. His social struggles are what made it more obvious to me and fed into the assessment. Before this age most boys were a bit hyper and running around being silly so I always thought definitely ADHD but really didn't realise autism. He didn't have any learning struggles so it was never flagged. He's always looked in my eyes. I didn't realise he was struggling to with some strangers. I think I was in a bit of denial.

During childhood he was absolutely full on non stop and was jumping about from morning to night. It was incredibly difficult. Emotional regulation was a huge struggle. Meltdowns were off the scale. Very bossy and demanding of attention. Would never come to me, I had to leave playgroups often. I remember crying in a shop and had to get a shop assistant to help me get him back in his buggy. It was so awful at times.

He is completely different now. He struggles alot with being bossed about so things are negotiated and choices given. But generally, it's worlds away and he is happy and loves telling everyone he's Autistic. And I thought based on what I was dealing with at age 2 to 3 I'd be getting battered by this age 🤷‍♀️😆.

Diagnosis was essential for me because I realised he was ADHD and autistic and alot of people would be happy to blame my parenting. There were social struggles,some problems in school and sadly dad wasn't having it. He gets some minor accomodations in school now, all his friends know and accept him. The parents know so I do believe are sometimes more forgiving and don't just think he is a horrible badly parented brat. He is generally really polite.

I understand you can have an assessment at much less than £2k. Your experience may be different but gaslighting is a massive problem with many professionals, also a lack of understanding. For example, my son is very sociable and has friends. It doesn't mean he isn't struggling, but the stereotypes are still outdated.

The sooner the diagnosis the better for everyone, especially you. Be prepared for alot of people to put doubt in your mind if they don't see obvious signs. You know best, better than anyone else.

You can go down the diagnosis route if you want, but the answer is going to be how you parent him whatever the outcome. I would start by looking at what parenting courses your LA offers and if you have any support groups locally. It is techniques and approaches you need.

In the meantime I would do some heavy love bombing as this can make you feel differently as well. Make sure you're spending lots of time with him in your own, being actively loving and affectionate. Fake it til you make it.

OP for now I'd think about how you can make the weekends more bearable for you all. I'd recommend a divide and conquer approach. Split the time up so each of you have 1:1 with each child in and out of the house, and so you each have a few hours without kids out of the house too. Even an hour or two's peace with a Costa for example.

My youngest is relentless like this. I get it.

Thank you so much for sharing with me, this is hugely helpful - especially learning that your son changed so much with age. I have visions of mine being in prison by the time he’s 18 or beating us up or something dreadful.

The way your son presents sounds very similar to mine. I don’t see much “typical” ASD in him, he is very sociable and loud and the life and soul of the party so definitely more ADHD type signs but then the controlling behaviour and the very selective eating is more ASD I believe. I suspect we will see more as he gets older, already we are noticing small things like repeating sayings or phases but not actually understanding their meaning and recently he has started lining up toys (the classic!)

I think one of the things that really stresses me out is that his behaviour does look like bad parenting (i.e him refusing to eat his dinner but asking for ice cream and us giving in to this, knowing full well that if anything is eaten on that occasion it is a win) we have slowly learnt that strict discipline is useless on him, he will simply have a huge meltdown that lasts hours. He has such a strong need for autonomy we try to let A LOT go and let him choose where practical and safe. We are already trying our absolute best.

I hope you don't think my comment about parenting was a criticism? I can see now it could be read that way. I didn't mean that though. I just meant that a diagnosis can take a while and you will need to find out techniques to 'manage'/ be with him that suit his personality anyway. Parenting courses are useful for all sorts of people - I had some when my DD was small (now diagnosed with ASD) and learned a lot of useful and compassionate techniques.

DC1 was difficult from the off but he changed from ‘high maintenance but still within the realms of normal’ to ‘absolutely impossible to manage’ at 2.5. He’s still extremely difficult now at age 4. He’s not so violent, but he is defiant, hyperactive, impulsive, controlling and emotionally volatile. He craves 1:1 attention at all times.

He was also a good masker, appearing sociable at school although he was prone to naughtiness and didn’t seem to care about being told off. Pre school are slowly yet surely seeing everything we see at home.

We are awaiting ASD and ADHD assessment. He most definitely fits the PDA profile

Look up ‘The Explosive Child’ (book) and ‘At Peace Parenting’ (on instagram) and The PDA society website. Best resources I have found for behaviour management. Standard parenting techniques won’t work.

Before throwing money at a private diagnosis I would use the money to get an OT assessment. Has been v useful for us.

It's really stressful as it is but the judgement you can feel makes this so much harder for you. I really empathise. I used to get upset thinking my son would be beating me up based on the strength of the meltdowns. He's so loving and kind and compassionate and the teachers love him due to his insight. I didn't envisage that at all. Your feelings are normal!

Your child definitely fits the PDA profile of Autism. I second the explosive child. This approach is important because traditional parenting doesn't work.
Age 2.5 is a blur in many ways so I forget how well you can communicate with your child at this age. Opportunities to exercise really helped I remember. I had a wonderful home start volunteer come once a week and helped with play. She was great. Use nursery or whatever childcare you can to give yourself a break. It's absolutely exhausting.

My son is still high energy but it's manageable. He loves football and exercise which solves that. I always did see a correlation between sugar and severe hyperactivity with my son. I know it isn't always easy to manage that.

Letting the smaller things go is probably the best thing I can advise at this age. I got hung up on traditional parenting expectations which were a huge waste of time and energy. E.g eating at the table and no TV. Many of us allow our kids to eat with a screen which sounds horrifying to some but it meant at one point my son would eat! Now I always let him eat and watch TV. It's very regulating for many Autistic people.

No not at all, you make a good point! I think I am just wary because so far in this journey I have received a lot of well meaning but completely crap parenting advice from people like HV and the Gp. When I tried to explain to the hv that I was finding it hard to keep my son safe near roads and in car parks (hand holding refusal, desire to run at all times ) she suggested I read him a book about road safety, how its very dangerous not to hold hands when crossinf roads etc but she didn’t seem to understand that doing this would add petrol to the fire - it would literally make him want to do it more out of sheer defiance.

I absolutely will look up parenting courses though.

I think this is what we are finding. Up until now he has been hard work but manageable and just recently the balance has tipped and we are not coping very well. I think the tipping point was a holiday we took him on a few weeks ago, it was a family caravan holiday which meant lots of socialising and activities and staying up late. I still feel like he is recovering from that in a way (as am i!)

With the 1:1 attention I find my son can be perfectly well behaved and wonderful when getting a lot of attention and being allowed to call the shots and do anything he wants to do. The trouble comes when he has to do what others want him to, or when I have to do some housework and he is left to play, or the big one is when my older son needs me - that usually sets off some big behaviour.

I will certainly look up those books straight away, thank you.
What insight did you gain from the OT appointment can I ask?