I dread weekends

[dratdratdrat]

Two Dc. One is 6 and mostly a joy, I enjoy his company and we have a lot of fun together. The other is 2.5 and he is a fucking maniac and I do not enjoy his company and actively dread spending time with him.

I know i am being unreasonable btw.

He’s just SUCH hard work. He’s violent towards us all (inc pets) has an extreme need for control over everything, he's always shouting and/or crying. His sleep is shit, his eating is worse. He is extremely irritable and defiant. He won’t hold hands or listen to instructions and he will actively do the opposite of what you tell him in almost all situations.

Its at the point where I don’t want to leave the house with him. This is having a negative impact on my 6yo who should be out and about at the weekend, meeting friends for picnics and going to the zoo etc.

His development is normal and his 2year check was all fine, although I told the HV about his behaviour and I got “terrible twos” I personally believe there is more to it, do the terrible twos lead to you hating your life?

I’ve taken him to the GP to rule out anything physical/pain causing his behaviour and he’s perfectly healthy. He is an expert masker (i believe thats what it is) and he will always be super charming and sociable to strangers so the GP immediately dismissed me when I mentioned possible neurodivergence.

Honestly I am at my wits end with him. I even said to my husband I wish we’d never had him which I know is awful.

Any advice, anything at all, very much welcome.

Thank you, your replies have been so useful to me and you are so kind to take the time to reply in such detail.

At the moment he is in childcare two days a week, then with grandparents one day and he and my husband each have a day off work a week to stay home with him. So really I am only with him one day during the week and weekends but I do all the driving and drop offs and pickups so even that can feel hard as its transitions he really struggles with. I feel guilty about how little he is at home with me but if I’m being honest I dread those days. It is non stop from 6-8 usually with probably on average 3/4 big meltdowns. He just seems so unhappy all the time.

Two things we find that calm (and possibly regulate) him are bath time and time with my ipad where he can speed click through videos on youtube kids. But again, we feel guilty letting him use it.

It does get easier as they get older. I do remember two being really hard and ds going to holiday club for three full days every holiday. It was the only way I could cope.
With the food I found it easier to give all the food they would get for the that meal at the same time. If the pudding was eaten first fine , the rest would have to be eaten afterwards. I also didn’t worry if the same meal was eaten all the time. Food issues have massively changed for the better since starting school.
To pass the time at weekends and holidays we would go with a good picnic to a fairly empty area of countryside for a few hours and it was then child led so we might paddle, collect leaves or sticks etc. This seemed to take the stress out of the day and even now he’s happy doing similar

I haven't read the full thread but I have a PDA child. Sounds like yours. And I hated my life with him age 2-7. You always love them but it's fucking hell raising them. When he was 3 I would wake up and cry because I had to get through another day. I think I could have coped but the gaslighting off professionals did just as much damage. Nobody would listen. He did half a term of reception and they kicked him out- he is 7 now and still no school place. I've lost my ability to work. My partner couldn't cope and now I'm single. It's decimated my life. But again I say it's the dismissal from professionals then the no school place fighting the LA over that that's done the most damage. I paid privately for assessment when he was 5 and used that to go for the EHCP. He has an EHCP now but still no school.

I would say about 6 months ago he got some self control and now while highly challenging is easier to live again. It took a lot of fucking work on my part getting him to this point.

Read Ross Greene. Plan b.

Read up on how to direct a child without giving demands.

Pick your battles.

Start saving for private assessments and a legal challenge against the LA because there are so many kids who need Sen support if you don't pay for it yourself and fight then no one will help.

Join Facebook groups for ODA parents and EHCPs and not fine in school. Other parents are by far the best support and can actually give you helpful advice. If you truely are dealing with PDA the advice off HV etc will likely make things worse.

Oh and read up on SPD. Age 3 I paid for a private sensory trained OT to assess and advise. Changed my life. If what youbrads resonates there is a sensory processing Facebook group too

I really appreciate your honestly here - blimey sounds like a wild ride for you. I’m sorry its been so tough. I hope things can lighten for you soon.

I am part of a SPD page on fb and a PDA one, both have been very insightful so far.

I can’t believe I forgot to mention… my son is also extremely clumsy with no spatial awareness. He bumps his head about 5 times a day and he is always covered in bruises. He also seems to feel little to no pain… once when he was almost 2 he tripped in the playground and fully chomped his tongue almost clean in two, there was so much blood but he didnt even cry? he was just pissed off I wouldn’t let him climb a tree directly afterwards.

I will absolutely take your advice about saving for private assessment.

OP

On top of what everyone else is saying...

One issue is that the tactics most suited to deal with your younger son eventually means that he has most of your time and attention.
And that can be to the detriment of your older son, at worst he could become a 'glass child' (roughly sibling of a disabled child who gets most of the parents attention).

Can you try to prevent that somehow. Could you have your younger son in nursery some additional days. On those can you spend time with the older one in the afternoon just the two of you.
Or can the grandparent(s) have your younger son on a weekend day (instead of a day in the week, where he'd be in nursery). So your older son can get time with both you and his dad (where attention isn't all on his brother).

My son is the same. He refuses to cry. And that has been difficult as it took some teachers time to warm to him in primary school. You always get sympathy when you cry as a child. His high energy and sense of fun has helped alot with age.

Try lose the guilt. You have to acknowledged that parenting children in our situation is absolutely exhausting in every way. You need the break so keep doing it. It really will improve in time.

The gaslighting is real unfortunately and I really had to stand firm against everyone saying this was a parenting issue or due to other factors. I feel you really will have a long battle and a ridiculously long wait for an assessment via the NHS.

It's no problem at all. I know how lonely and confusing it can be. ❤️

My son doesn't have an echp. I knew I'd never get one as the SENCO is awful and provided no evidence at all to support my application for an NHS assessment. Luckily the observation in school which I paid for showed a few struggles. I then said t the school, please accommodate this. He has a great teacher who allows him to get up and exercise or move about a bit more. Academically he's one of the brightest in class and does really well. We have secondary in September so this obviously is going to be tougher.

It will get better and the meltdowns will lessen. If you can get an assessment and diagnosis in time for your little one starting school you're armed then and can ask for any extra support they may need.

.

This is my son! My daughter was intense but it calmed down at 2.5. I expected my sons behaviour to but it has got worse
He turned 3 last month and HV has referred him to the child behaviour development unit and I surprisingly have a an appointment very soon.

My sister is autistic but presented very differently but I know in my heart this is autism.

I know exactly how you feel! We have the ice cream melt down daily. Meltdowns and tantrums screaming lasting for hours. My 6 year old is thoroughly fed up.

Half a hour ago (it's a late day/night because of Eid)
I had enough of the screaming I just started crying in the car and he shut up and held my hand and told me it's ok. Looked at me in my eye and said sorry mummy I try tomorrow

Like I'm so confused and heartbroken by this situations and I hate the feeling that overwhelms me when he wakes up bouncing demanding everything and yet nothing at the same time because he's confused.

I feel you. You are not alone x

This is my dd. She's a brilliant masker and when she meets new people they think she's amazing. We went through childminders like no one's business, even ones who specialise in challenging children. First 6 months were a breeze then when she feels comfortable, bam! Out comes the behaviours and we lose yet another cm.

She's now under social services has an ADHD diagnosis, has EHCP and is in a specialist school as she was the same in mainstream school.

What I would say is get her under chams asap, speak to child services and your gp, ask for referrals and be a monumental pain in the arse with any service that will listen.

Also structure is very important to my ddc we have a chart as to what she is doing when, even down to what is for tea at what time, any change to the set routine for the day worsens her behaviour. She likes to know what her week looks like almost to the hour.

Consequences also make no difference what so ever, she doesn't understand they x behaviour will result in y, thinks the word sorry absolves her of any wrong doing and thinks once it's said it all goes back to normal. What I have found is that if she wants something, we can use that as a carrot. If she has a good week she'll get x on Friday. But she is now almost a teen so she understands a bit better. However we've also found that her suppressing her behaviour to get x, will result in severe challenging behaviour the week after. So it's really a rock and a hard place.

@BuggeryBumFlaps Thank you for sharing. When you say get him under cahms asap, how is this done?

I have the HV coming round again next week, going to try and pester her for a referral but I am obviously not hopeful.

This morning he has ran directly into a door handle (appeared to just start running randomly) and he has a huge bump on his temple and a straight line bruise from the latch. I despair I really do.

Its a lot isn’t it. How does he get on with your daughter?
My two love eachother very much and get on but my poor older DS does spend a lot of time hiding or protecting his possessions and treading on eggshells.