Do I want to blow up my life?

[Lupina12]

I’m 40. Two young kids. Married to a nice man. He is self employed and the main earner. I am part-time Self employed in a small biz I don’t like anymore, and earning is limited.

I’m very, very sad and have been for a long time. Nobody knows.

I have sacrificed my time and body to have kids, who I love very much. But now I’m 40 I’m desperate to find my own identity and career again. I am skilled in a creative art and want to pursue that for my career… but there is NEVER ANY TIME.

we are refurbishing a house and allllllll my husband’s time (outside of work) is taken up by it. While I am grateful for his hard work, he can’t seem to see how much I am sacrificing taking on 80-90% of the childcare in order to make space for him to work and do the refurb. Deadlines are continually pushed back and back and back….

I have begun to hate him and my business, and desperately want out. I’m actually jealous of my friends who are separated, hard as I know it has been for them in so many ways.

I haven’t told anyone but have become increasingly angry and irritable at H. When we try to talk about anything he is kind & talks a good game seeming to understand… but nothing ever changes.

am I peri menopausal? Has anyone else been through this identity crisis after kids, or at this age? I am just full of sadness and rage.

if I could leave I would, but I know it would destroy the kids lives and our families who believe in us so much. We are the ‘successful ones’ in their eyes.

I feel like my life is disappearing without me getting to make a difference and a mark in the world. I crave some kind of recognition and success on my own terms, and decent money too.

I know this is first world problems, please be gentle with me, I feel so fragile at the moment. I’m usually everyone’s rock, looking after elderly parents and siblings as well as my kids and H, but I can’t stand it any more

YANBU to feel the way you feel but you are very much in the trenches right now with young kids and a renovation and inevitably feeling the strain.

it really sounds like you need a break and some
downtime so you can address your own needs. Is anyone able to look after the kids while you have a weekend away? Even a short break can work wonders.

How old are your kids? Can anyone else help with childcare on weekends/weeknights to make space for your work?

when is the renovation due to end? If it is another year, can you hang on until then to reassess?

Just to add, I have struggled mentally both during a full scale renovation (pre kids) and with my small kids. The stress of the two combined would push me over the edge so I'm not surprised you are feeling the way you feel. It doesn't mean that things won't get better so you need some space to think about what it is you need/want and what changes you need to make it happen.

I can really relate to your situation. I worked in a very busy hospital and was shattered all the time having no time for my family. I don't think it is blowing up your life to need to change something. I started fostering and asked for children of school age and did a reupholstering course. The kids are amazing and I'm now at home all the time able to follow my dream and on twice the money. Life is too short and sometimes you need to move on and do something different.

Thank you so much for this.

the various renovations in this property and the last one have been going on in total for 8 years… I’m so sick of it.

Everyone thinks my husband is amazing, the quality of his work is very high, he doesn’t compromise. Hence everything takes forever….

I had a go at him today for taking so long and I can see he is hurt by it. I’m sure he thinks I’m ungrateful and that it’s hard for him too… he is a good father and a kind man. I am just drowning in disappointment of my own failed potential. I have a lot of self loathing.

I guess I just do all the maintenance and childcare and feel very unseen, while people are so impressed by his visible renovation work… this isn’t what I wanted to give my life to…

suddenly at 40, my youth is gone but I still have energy and creativity, it’s just so hard to prioritise these when there’s laundry and cleaning and play dates etc etc etc

Can the renovation work take a pause so he can do some parenting and you don't have to carry so much load?

Can you do some more lucrative work in the meantime?

I understand exactly how you feel Op. I'm 45 now but I went through a similar thing a few years ago
Thought I'd prefer to be on my own & was jealous of my single friends.
I would say it lasted about 3 years before I fully resettled.
I think a lot of it was to do with the kids ages & my hormones. I also had a job that meant I never really left the house & spent a lot of time with other people's children so I never really got a break from that environment.
I don't know the answer but for me, it was never bad enough to leave and I'm happier, more settled & grateful now.
Don't make any rash decisions but don't stay if you are continuing to be unhappy.
Can you find something just for yourself a few weeks to get some space.

*a few times a week

Peri can make you feel like this. I hated everyone until I got hrt.

From the drudgery and child rearing perspective it gets easier. I am nearing 50 and whilst I am still the main taxi driver, cook etc my children need my time at home less.

Can you talk to your husband about instead of him doing a renovation job you save to get in professionals. (That you need his time and attention too).
If he won't think about this route....what about selling the property and buying something smaller/cheaper which is finished.
Or lay out the last option......you separate, you have to sell the house anyway and everyone loses out.
Don't male rash decisions. But I hear how lonely you are. I'm sure if your husband loves you he would be upset to hear this and want to make changes.

Good luck.

I was furious once because someone had dared put the loo roll on the wrong way. I hated everything anyone did. I mean how dare they actually change the loo roll.

I turned my life upside down at a similar age, although my kids were a bit older I suspect. Don't regret it at all. On paper, objectively my life is worse (financially and work-wise). In reality, I'm so much happier.

Having said that, I have a friend that was going through a tough time in her relationship at a similar time, and thought about leaving. She stayed, and for a few reasons it was absolutely the right decision for her.

On balance, I think your situation is closer to my friends than mine. In your shoes I think I would try to carve out some time - even just a couple of hours per week - to pursue something creative, maybe with a view to monetising it to see if you can create a new business to replace your current one.

But this hard bit, it is just temporary. The renovation will come to an end. But making small steps forward to try to create the life that you want within the family that you have will hopefully help you to stay sane and positive.

I think you also need to lay out how unfair you feel the jobs in the house have been distributed.

Why did you choose to refurb two houses when you have young kids?

Have a serious conversation with OH about avoiding perfectionism in the refurb and sharing the childcare and chores more fairly. And look into career options yourself. But splitting up doesn't seem like the answer.

The easiest thing to change is the renovation. It is incredibly hard living in a renovation project as it saps time energy and money. I say that as I’m sat in renovation project number four. But Im
not aiming for perfection and it will be mainly finished by Christmas.
Tou either need professionals in to finish or to do it quickly so it’s finished or to sell and buy something done.
If your DH is working on the house he will be able to take more childcare and housework on. This won’t be what he wants because he’s probably enjoying the renovations and is getting lots of praise from people for putting all that time and effort in plus he’s avoiding the harder parts of family life because your doing it.

The renovation project I’m sat in now is also someone’s rush finish self build as they got divorced.

You sound depressed.

I'd definitely see a GP before you make any life changing decisions.

Sounds like my life at around 35! 3 kids, 2 just a year apart and a disabled older child and living in a building site. We’d moved from a house that was beautiful but had also been a building site. My husband was amazing getting the important areas done in time for baby number 2 and I didn’t have the added stress of an outside job but it was hard. At that time our eldest was also going through a difficult stage and we were doing an appeal for school place, added stress of legal fees and uncertainty . Probably the most difficult time in my life. However I tried to look at it long term and here we are 10 years later. Younger two are young adults and the eldest is settled in a lovely placement. Mortgage has been paid off for years due to living in building sites! My time is my own and I feel like me again. I know this doesn’t help you now but all the stress back then has provided us with a stable future. Different situation I know because I have to always think ahead having a child that will always need 24/7 care so the sacrifices then were 100% worth it.

Peri menopause is definitely a possibility. I was post menopause by 46 so it’s definitely a possibility.

You've been renovating your home for 8 years?! My god, that's enough to sap the life out of anyone! And if your husband spends all of his spare time on the renovation I'm guessing you pretty much live as a single parent?
If it were me, I'd push to sell up and move into a house that's ready to live in. You need your husband to be an active partner and active parent. What's the point in having a wonderful house if your life in it is miserable?
Sell up, move, parent equally, split the free time equally so that you can enjoy some time to yourself.

As others have set out very well there is an end in sight here - your children will grow older and less dependent and the renovation will eventually finish. Also it’s always possible it’s peri m.

If you blew your life up would it be better or worse. You’d have less money for starters if you left your husband so would that make it less likely you could pursue your passion?

My advice would be to make a plan. Write out the goal and what it takes to get there and sit down with your husband and tell him you need this. It might be a few years away but if you had it pinned to the wall it might help.

If it helps I feel almost the same. I’m miserable I feel if I stay in my job until retirement I’ll feel that I wasted my life in the worst way, one of my kids almost never stops crying, and my husband gets on my every last nerve to the event that I think my marriage was a massive mistake and I don’t know what I was thinking. But I’ll muddle on because blowing up my life would be worse.

I know what you mean about taking on all the childcare while your DH does something you’re supposed to be grateful for but now just resent. It eroded my marriage and all the talks led to nothing so I got ready to leave and I was completely serious about it and something suddenly clicked with my DH that things really needed to change. Im not saying that it’s been an overnight change or that everything is now good but a year later im still here and glad i stayed. Part of that change was making sure I had something in my life that was for me so something I wanted to pursue at work was agreed and DH has picked up the slack for that and I have time to pursue my own interests each week now too

Thank you all for these thoughts, they are helping.

@Autumn1990 what you said here really nails what I feel : If your DH isnt working on the house he will be able to take more childcare and housework on. This won’t be what he wants because he’s probably enjoying the renovations and is getting lots of praise from people for putting all that time and effort in plus he’s avoiding the harder parts of family life because your doing it.

I do think he loves doing the work really. He moans he is tired which is fair, he works incredibly hard, but he finds it very satisfying ultimately. I want him to see it through, but at the same time I am relentlessly thinking about living far far away from him so that can’t be right

He does a good amount of parenting - he does their breakfast and takes them to school four days a week, and does one or two club trips. He puts them to bed maybe 2 or 3 times a week. Actually when I write that it’s not masses is it…It’s a long way off 50/50 that I aspire to

I wish I could talk to him about this but it feels pointless. Nothing changes. Hence me feeling like I need to pursue the nuclear option on my own

Thank you @Tbskejue our situation does sound similar - what was your husband pursuing, was it work or a hobby?

Years ago I was completely in step with H on the renovation plan and all of this, but years of childbearing and breastfeeding and childcare care really pushed us apart. I hate that I earn so much less than him, and it would take a monumental change to make space for me to get my earnings up again.

I feel so disempowered.

Your dh is working - that's fair enough, has to be done. He's also getting lots of praise and acknowledgement for his work on the renovation and the time an effort he's putting into getting it perfect. But to my mind, that is actually more like a hobby. Assuming the house is livable and you can function in it (e.g. working bathrooms, kitchen etc), the rest is how he is choosing to do it, how he wants to spend his time in a way that he finds fulfilling.

What if all your time was taken up with growing organic vegetable and cooking gourmet dinners? Or if you raised a small herd of sheep, spun your own wool and made all the children's clothes? Yes it would still be 'providing for / caring for your family' but if it took priority over you being able to share the load in other ways it would be a hobby, not a necessity.

Somehow you need 2 things: an agreement from your dh to give you a set number of hours when he is NOT working on the renovation so that you can re-establish yourself in your art-skill; and also that you need to carve out some of your own time to match that. Can you get up 2 hours early one morning a week? Can you find ways to make savings and reduce your work by 2 or 3 hours? Can you make a reciprocal arrnagement with another parent so you are a few hours a week child-free (and look after their children in return)?

I imagine that if you start doing something towards your creativity you might immediately feel more energetic and better about yourself. In my own situation, I found that similar small changes made me feel more determined to follow my chosen career path, and the sense of inner reward drove me on to make more changes. I hear what others are saying about how things will be different in 10 years time, but I know I could not have contemplated waiting that long to make changes, I felt like my soul would have been destroyed.

Also, I suspect that even in 10 years time your dh's renovation hobby will still be continuing in some shape or form.

But yes, also look into HRT.

@Lupina12 It was a bit of both in that it was supposed to make us money and I was expected to be grateful as it was “for our family” but it was too high a cost in terms of losing family time and our relationship for me to ever feel it’d be worth it.
How long have you been thinking that the “nuclear” option is your only choice?

Is there an option of changing your job? It sounds like this is a big source of your frustration and you're not getting any creative outlet, which is important when you've got that, you need to find a way to get those creative juices flowing as I'm sure that would make you feel a lot happier.

Do you and your husband get any time for yourselves? Date nights etc?

Doing a house reno for that long would test anyone though. It sounds like you're more frustrated with your situation rather than fallen out of love with your DH so I'd suggest looking at the things that are within your power to change rather than leaving husband (from what I've read.. obviously only you know how you feel)